I threw my phone down on the couch and leaned back against the wall.
My head throbbed, my mind racing and my stomach growling. I needed to relax, but without my milk and my safe space to be Little for a while... it wasn't happening. Technically, I could be Little here, and the day would come when I felt comfortable enough to do so. But for now, every creak, door closing in the hallway, and flush of the upstairs toilet startled me. Without my milk, it was impossible to sink into Little space, at least until I got comfortable here.
I tried to calm down by going through the motions of my regular routine. I grabbed a frozen meal and nuked it, eating it at the counter. I needed to get cooking again, but cooking for one sucked. I considered my oatmeal prep a good start in the right direction and called it good enough for now.
After a crappy meatloaf dinner, one I planned never to buy again, I brushed my teeth and then set out tomorrow's outfit for work. I even tucked a sheep plushie into my pillowcase. But nothing helped me settle in.
Nothing was right with me.
The only thing that felt good at all was the memory of lying across Arlo's lap and drinking my fill. It had been ecstasy. Maybe I made a mistake moving here. But my dependence on Arlo wasn’t fair to either of us. It would be one thing if we were in a relationship, but we weren’t, nor were we wanting to be.
I almost texted him, but stopped.
Whenever I'd get too clingy or needy, he'd let me drink from him because he knew that would calm me. But there were boundaries. Always boundaries. He wasn't my Daddy, and I had to remember that. Arlo was just my friend who understood enough about my needs to help out.
But he was gone, and what I really needed was someone who wanted to be my Daddy and could give me milk. I wasn’t sure a unicorn like that existed, but I squeezed my eyes shut and wished for one every time I saw a shooting star. Maybe I needed to put it on my list for Santa.
Did a man even exist who really wanted to take care of me? Someone who would hold me when I drank from him and smile down at me while stroking my hair and calling me his good boy? Someone who would love me for who I was and what I liked. I didn’t even need someone who lactated. Bottled milk would be fine, assuming I finally got off the waitlist.
I crawled into bed but knew sleep wasn't coming anytime soon. I tossed and turned, my body aching for something so specific that no amount of masturbation or melatonin could fix it. And counting? My thoughts would wander before I reached double digits.
Finally, I drifted off for maybe an hour, and then found myself wide awake again. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. Whendawn finally broke, I gave up and climbed out of bed. I opened the blinds to let some light in and saw someone shoveling the walkway below my window.
I stood up and pressed my face to the glass, watching the guy labor with the same hopeless resignation I felt inside. Or was I projecting? It didn’t matter which, he had me mesmerized.
He was tall, broad-shouldered, and working methodically despite the bitter cold. His face was obscured, so I couldn't see it clearly, but the steam of his breath in the cool air was obvious. Something about the steady, purposeful way he moved made me watch longer than I should have. There was something comforting about seeing another human being out there, doing something so ordinary and necessary.
On the ground near where he worked, a stray sprig of mistletoe poked through the snow. It must have fallen from someone's holiday decoration. A tiny spot of green against all that white.
It made my chest hurt in a way I couldn't quite understand. I closed my eyes and made a wish.Please, Santa, bring me a hot Daddy and a lifetime supply of milk. Not necessarily in that order. If you can't manage both, I'll take the milk first. But if he's got strong arms and a nice chest and he calls me "baby boy," that would be pretty cool, too.
The wind pressed against the glass as I sat in my empty apartment, alone and not alone. I told myself I'd get through the next few weeks, even if I had to tape that mistletoe above a random doorway just for fun. What was it about that green sprig that had me so captivated?
Not the mistletoe… the man. He had 100% of my attention, and he hadn’t even known I was there.
I stood up, more determined than ever to get through this slump in my life. I'd wait for my delivery. I'd be a good boy. Santa always comes through, eventually.
I glanced out the window one more time and saw the guy with the shovel was gone, but he'd cleared a perfect path. The mistletoe was still there, half-buried but visible. I pressed my palm against the cold glass. "Just get through the holidays. Things always look better after New Year's."
But even as I said it, I knew that wasn't true. Nothing would look better until I found what I needed. Not just milk, but connection. Safety. The freedom to be Little in a world that demanded I always be big.
I curled back into my bed and pulled my sheep plushie close. "Soon," I promised myself. "Soon."
2
NIKO
The first week of December brought with it the familiar scent of pine and peppermint that always managed to lift my spirits. I adjusted my Santa beard in the mirror and smiled. The costume still fit perfectly over my muscular frame. I'd splurged on the custom suit three years ago when I first started doing these holiday gigs, but the first time I put it on for the year was always stressful.
Being Santa wasn't just a winter side hustle for me. It was a chance to be the nurturing figure I naturally was, even if only for strangers' children instead of someone who could truly be mine.
According to my watch, I still had thirty minutes before I needed to be at the library. That was plenty of time to prepare mentally and physically for the afternoon ahead.
Just as I was getting a glass of water, my phone buzzed with a text from the library coordinator.Everything still good for 2pm? The kids are so excited!
I smiled and typed back a quick response.Ho ho ho! Santa is on his way!
Unconsciously, I ran a hand over my chest to test out whether I would be fine for a few more hours or if I should quickly pump. I'd already expressed earlier in the day, but I felt full. It was a common problem I had.
