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“What the hell did you do?”
Well, shit, this isn’t decompressing.
My eyes flicked to the screen out of habit. Everything looked fine. I rested my hands on my knees and leaned forward. “Jessica stopped by. She was pressing me to help Selena.”
Brandt looked at me in confusion. “Did you agree to help? Is that why Ainsley ran out of here less than five minutes ago? I was surprised you didn’t go after her. What happened?”
I stood up. “What the fuck are you talking about? Ainsley isn’t due here for a while.”
My chest was starting to tighten as I tried to fit the pieces together.
Brandt stood. “Shit. Ainsley was in your bedroom off of your office to surprise you. She texted me to let her in the back way. Trigger was supposed to tell you. She got here about thirty or so minutes ago while you were at lunch.”
“Fuck.”
Brandt didn’t know what to say as I turned and started running toward my office. That means she had heard everything I said to Jessica—every single fucking word.
What have I done?
A few minutes prior…
Tears stung my eyes as I sank to the floor in the room off of Adam’s office. His words devastated me as I heard him tell his sister what he really thought of me. It felt as if a hot poker burned my eyes. My confession of love to him now felt foolish. I had given him my heart, and he had tossed it aside. It was no wonder he’d looked startled last night when I had let the word love slip. My mind had been exhausted from the meeting with my mom, and it had escaped without me realizing it. I had been holding it down so much that it was bound to escape at some point, like a captive waiting to break free.
As he continued to talk to his sister about his ex, Selena, I put my fist in my mouth and bit down to silence the cries trying to break free. I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything else he said. My world was shattered.
Finally, I heard his office door close. Even though the best thing was always to stay and talk it out, self-preservation won out. I knew his true feelings now. They hadn’t changed since the time on the Tantra Chair in his house when he had said that we were just fuck buddies. I should have known that he wouldn’t have changed. All those special moments I’d thought we shared were lies.
Grabbing my purse, I ran out the front where Snake was now guarding the door.
“Ainsley—”
I didn’t answer as I went to my car. Tears were beginning to fall from my face, regardless of how hard I tried to push them to the side until I was somewhere safe. Cranking my car, I pulled out as quickly as possible, and my tires squealed in protest. I didn’t know where I was going.
As soon as the club was out of sight, uncontrollable sobs racked my body while I was driving. I attempted to blink the tears away enough to see the road, but the hurt continued to spread through my body like a poison. I clutched the steering wheel in a death grip, forcing my attention on the road. My mind kept going back to what I had done today that led me to hearing that awful confession.
I came to the club to surprise Adam since my class had gotten out early, and Angela had given me the night off. After confessing I loved him last night, I wanted to lighten things up. I had bought his favorite dessert of cheesecake and had made a picnic on the floor, so we could relax without the pressure I had put on our relationship. I meant what I’d said, and I would never push him for more.
The door to our bedroom had been left open, so I could hear him approaching. The conversation began to play out as questions raced through my mind.
How long has Selena been talking to him?
My mind began processing everything I heard. Selena and Jessica were pressuring him to pretend to still be interested in his ex in order for his brother to still want her. It was totally screwed up. He refused, and then I was mentioned.
“Jessica, that woman you saw me with is nothing but a fuck buddy I use for pleasure. She’s like the rest—a great piece of ass. You know the score.”
For as long as I lived, those words would forever be ingrained to my being as they flashed through my mind. They echoed through my head like a bell resonated through an empty town square.
Fuck buddy.
Use for pleasure.
Piece of ass.
The words continued on a loop as my heart disintegrated into a million ice crystals. This is what a broken heart felt like. It was as if my soul had been ripped from me and left in its place was a skeleton.
The memory was acute and I tried to shut it out by focusing on something else.
Money. I need money to go stay somewhere for a few days.
I had over two hundred dollars in my bank account, but I needed that for bills.
My mom’s cookie jar.
She always kept money in there, and I had a key to get into her house. I’d pay her back and explain everything later. Right now, I needed to get my head on straight, analyze the situation, and stitch my heart back together. My phone vibrated, and Adam’s name flashed across it.
Seeing his name was hard, but I let it roll to voice mail. Next, a text message showed on the screen. I didn’t want to read what he had written, but he needed to know I wasn’t coming by tonight and that I had heard him.
My relationships all ended because I was being used for something, and it had happened again. Jarrod, my ex, had used me to try to get a connection with my father. Adam had used me for sex. I felt like a dirty whore. Maybe my past was too much to overcome to live a normal life like I desperately wanted.
The phone was like a beacon as it continued to light up with call after call and text after text from Adam. I pulled into my mother’s driveway and brought up the text message screen, refusing to read his texts. I had heard the truth, and any lie he’d told me wouldn’t obscure what I had heard.
Me: I heard you talking to your sister. I know where we stand. I can’t have that type of relationship. I wish you had been honest with me. Bye, Adam.
I shut off my phone and went into the house. Everything was as we had left it when my mom had left for A New Beginning Domestic Abuse Center. My feet faltered, and I stopped for a second to get my balance. Looking at the inside of the house caused another sob to escape me as I imagined my father coming in night after night from his day at work. That would be followed by his infamous words…
Christine, you and I need to talk this evening.
Another sob erupted, and tears cascaded my face as I was reminded of how much hate really had existed here. Maybe that was why only my mom loved me. I wasn’t whole enough to keep around.
I need to get out of here. My mind was in a bad place, and this house was like a cancer that would continue to consume me if I didn’t leave. I hurried to the cookie jar in the kitchen cupboard to the right of the sink. I opened it, took out all the cash I could fit in one fistful, and stuffed it into my pocket.
After shutting the cabinet door, I ran to the front door as quickly as possible. This place was toxic. I’d never know how my mom had survived here all these years. As I put the key in the lock, I fumbled with locking the door as I tried desperately to escape. The key wouldn’t come out of the door. It was as if the house was trying to make me stay. To carry the memories of all the things that had happened within those walls would be a heavy burden to carry. Finally, I was able to free the key, and I went to my car. I prayed I would never have to come back to this place.
My car was my safe haven as I got in and hastily backed out of the driveway. Picking any direction that led me from here, I drove for about half an hour out of the city until I came up to a small motel. In bright neon letters, the sign said Vacancy.
My pale blue eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. I decided to put on my sunglasses to hide my blotchy face. Taking deep breaths, I reached down deep to the far shadows of my being to find the strength to get through these next few days.
I am strong enough. I can do it.
I’d email my college professors to get what would be discussed, and I would bury myself in my
books. I was far enough ahead that a few days wouldn’t hurt me. The first thing I needed to do was get a hotel room.
A lone tear slipped down my face as I kept replaying the conversation in my head.
Fuck buddy.
Use for pleasure.
Piece of ass.
I was nothing but a whore to him.
I am worthless.
I got out of my car and walked up to the desk where a middle-aged pimply-faced guy with a red shirt and black pants stood behind a counter.
My voice sounded more confident than it had any right in sounding at the moment. “I need a room for four nights, please.”
He opened his books. “Would you prefer a TV with a queen-sized bed or a king-sized bed only? The TV with the king-sized bed is broken.”
“The king-sized room will be fine.”
I didn’t need the sound of a TV. I would embrace the silence and let it cover me in a protective blanket while I became stronger. At least if it were silent, nothing horrible would be happening.
He wrote in his book and then got a key from under the table. “That’ll be one hundred and twenty dollars for the three nights. Do you want to pay cash or credit? I’ll need an ID also.”
I took out the money and my ID as he’d requested and gave them to him. “Cash, please.”
He wrote down some information and then handed my ID back to me.
“Thank you. Here’s your key. You’re in room twelve.”
I nodded and took the key. Walking to my room, I noticed the red paint peeling off the exterior walls that had been battered with time. In truth, it was how I felt on the inside. It didn’t matter. It was a place off the map.
I opened my door and stepped in. The sound of the door closing behind me felt as if all hope was truly lost for Adam and me to find our way.
Two days had passed, and I was lost in my books that had been in my car since I had come straight from class to the club to surprise Adam. I was a few days ahead in my classes. I needed one more day, and then I would force myself back into the living world.
I’ll go to school the day after tomorrow.
