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Dad walked in the barn with a grin on his face as Millie pulled back. Being home for only a few minutes showed me how much I isolated myself in prison. It hurt knowing what I caused myself to miss out on all this time. He put his arms around each of our shoulders. “Why don’t we go in the house? Verna made some of her famous lasagna for us.”
An unladylike sniffle escaped. “I knew you made lasagna. Best welcome home meal a daughter could ask for.”
Verna was a friend of the family who helped Dad out a lot since Mom was sick.
Thinking of all the changes, I hoped I still fit in. Guilt assuaged me at the selfish thought. The Dorsey family no longer had a son because of me. My thoughts and emotions felt like a pendulum moving from one extreme to the other.
Millie leaned forward. “I brought cookie ice cream for dessert.”
“My favorite. You guys are spoiling me.”
Millie and Dad chuckled.
Shards of happiness beamed through the dark skies of my soul. A sickening feeling came over me. Did I deserve to be happy? I wasn’t sure.
Prison, in some ways, was easier than being free. At least I knew I was paying for what I had done and not enjoying life. Four years for someone’s life seemed trivial.
“THANKS FOR COMING, MILLIE.”
We stood on the front porch, hugging as the stars lit up the night sky. “Of course, I’d be here, London. How are you doing?”
Zipping her lightweight blue jacket, Millie watched me closely.
I glanced back toward the kitchen where Dad insisted on cleaning up. “I’m okay. I feel out of place, but I’m trying. My feelings are all over the place. Feeling guilty and happy. I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
“It takes time. I’m here for you. Did your dad tell you about Charles?”
That was why I loved Millie. She always had my back. Though the news hurt, Millie knew it would be worse if I was told when I couldn’t process everything first. “Yeah, can we talk about that later? I’m exhausted.”
Millie gave me an understanding look before gazing back out onto the sky. I kicked at a board on the front porch. “I was thinking about visiting Alec’s grave tomorrow. To say I’m sorry.” Millie was quiet . . . too quiet. Doubt crept into my mind ab
out going. “Do you think that’s a bad idea?”
Millie leaned against the porch. “No, sweetie, I don’t. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. The adjustment. The guilt. It’s a lot.”
I nodded, at a loss for words.
“London, try to forgive yourself.”
“I’m trying.”
We stood there a few minutes when a yawn escaped. “We have forever now to catch up. I’ll let you rest and stop by tomorrow.”
“Night, Millie.”
Giving me a quick hug, Millie headed to her car. I watched the taillights disappear and then was bathed in the starry night sky. A shooting star swept across the sky as the wind rustled my hair. I refused to think of a wish. It was something my mother and I always did and hurt too much to do it without her.
Maybe one day.
Clattering from the house brought my attention back to Dad. So much had changed. Dad was now self-sufficient. Before, Mom took care of everything.
I walked to the door and leaned against it as Dad put the last of the dishes in the dishwasher. The house still looked the same. He hummed to himself. The white daisy curtains brought the corners of my mouth up. Mom and I picked the fabric out one Saturday afternoon when we’d gone to town. The sewing lessons which followed weren’t so successful. Mom stayed patient with me the entire time. I missed those moments.
Turning my way, Dad gave me a loving smile. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Me either.”
Another yawn slipped from me.
