“Robin,” I say quietly. “You didn’t say anything wrong. Please don’t worry.” I pause. “Things happened during the last year. I didn’t imagine they ever would, but they did. And then everything turned into a nightmare, and now I am here because Aspen saved me from drowning.”
I know nothing of what I just said will make sense to Robin, but I don’t have the words or the mental strength to truly explain anything to him. Whenever I am forced to remember what happened, I just feel my mind being pulled into the abyss again.
Robin looks at me. “Do you want a hug?”
I blink through the whirlwind of my emotions. “What…”
“You just looked like you needed a hug. And I am a good hugger.” He says. “And don’t worry, I mean that in a platonic sense. I wouldn’t cross…” he pauses. “Forget the last part. But, hug?”
“I don’t know,” I mutter. But when Barkley comes tapping towards us too, I just can’t help it, and nod. Robin squeezes me into his arms with Barkley burying his head between us, excited to be included. Robin smells comforting and feels warm, like Aspen when he hugs me.
“Thank you,” I say quietly.
Robin draws back and pats my head. “I want to be your big brother too!” he suddenly exclaims.
“Where did that come from?” I blink.
“Just…” he shrugs. “It’s been a while,” he admits before turning away, grabbing the wrapping paper.
I want to ask him in more detail what he is talking about, but despite his outgoing personality, this seems to be somewhat of a sore topic.
“And if you don’t want another big bro, I can be your friend.”
“I don’t have many friends,” I admit. “Actually, just Aspen…”
“Then I will be a new one,” he beams.
For a while, we work in comfortable silence, aside from me here and there instructing Robin. Eventually, he breaks the silence again. “When did you know you were gay?” he asks me.
I feel it again, the suffocating pressure on my chest. This time, I try to breathe through it. I need to learn how to talk to people.
“Oh shoot, I did it again, didn’t I?” Robin groans. “I put my foot in it again. Aspen keeps saying that sometimes it feels like I have my foot there constantly.”
“It’s okay,” I say.
“Is it really?”
I rub my face. “I don’t know. I feel like it should be a normal question, especially since you already know I am gay anyway.”
“I am sorry,” Robin mutters. “Really, you don’t need to answer. If it helps, I am pan,” he tells me. “I don’t judge anyone, ever. I promise.”
“I know you don’t, or Aspen wouldn’t be your friend,” I say.
“Exactly!”
For a while, we continue our work. “Always,” I hear myself say. I don’t know why I even tell him, but it feels cathartic to do so. “I always knew it. The moment other boys in my class were interested in girls, while I was pining after my best friend, told me all I needed to know.”
“Does Aspen know?” Robin asks. “I am just asking so I won’t accidentally reveal anything to him in case he—"
“He does,” I reassure him.
Robin lets out a gigantic sigh of relief. “I am so glad! I suck at keeping secrets, and Aspen always knows. ALWAYS!”
“I know. He has always been like that.”
“Did you always get along well?”
“Yes, he was always my protector.” I smile.
