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Exhaustion filled every inch of my body. I stopped to find a place to sleep for just a bit, then I’d head back and tell Kurt.
As I checked into a hotel, I handed over the first credit card I saw in my wallet. Maybe when I woke up, this would all be a dream and I wouldn’t have to worry about all the details. As I waited for the elevator, someone grabbed my hand. I startled and looked down. It was a little girl who looked just like Mattie had before she died. “You dropped this.”
She handed me my room key.
“Th-thank you.”
“You’re welcome. You’re nice. And very pretty.”
I was stunned at the resemblance to Mattie. Is this a sign? “So are you. How old are you?”
“Eight.”
I gasped, and my eyes widened involuntarily.
“Lisa, we’re leaving. Come on.” My head jerked up to see a mother not much older than me.
“I’ve got to go. Bye.”
Waving, I said, “Bye.”
Tears welled in my eyes as I watched the little girl run to her mother. The woman smiled at the girl and took her hand before walking away. Will I be able to provide for this child? Give unconditional love? It wasn’t something I had been taught. But I felt it for Mattie. I know I’d shown it to her.
The elevator opened, and I stepped in, remembering Mattie’s face. Oh, Mattie. I hadn’t been able to save my niece. How will I ever keep my child safe? People like Knoah deserved babies—not me.
As soon as I got to my room, I tucked myself under the covers and sobbed until sleep claimed me.
* * *
Pound.
Pound.
Pound.
What’s that noise?
Pound.
Pound.
Pound.
“Sawyer?”
Someone was calling my name. “Yes, I left my key in the room. Thank you.” Was that Kurt talking to someone?
I’d barely sat up when the door opened and Kurt ran inside. “Thank fuck. Oh, thank fuck.”
The other band members were right behind him. My eyes felt puffy and gritty, and I knew they could tell how much I’d been crying.
“We’ll give you guys some time. Be down in the bar if you need something.”
Kurt turned for only a second to say, “Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.”
He focused back on me, checking my face and my body. “Are you okay, baby? Are you hurt?”
“No.” My lip quivered. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
