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The images flash through my head. The big wedding. Our perfect kids, of course.
It chills me to the bone.
He’s polite and attentive all evening, ordering us apple martinis as we chat. And I hate to admit it, but in spite of myself, I am quite enjoying his company.
He’s been away too, studying farm management, working on large estates in England, then in New Zealand. He doesn’t brag, but I can tell he’s well connected. He mentions the shooting weekends he goes on with his friends from university. I never took him for the horsey type, but he’s active in the local hunt. The circles he moves in; they’re all wealthy landowners. It’s a far cry from sheep farmers like my dad. And Jac.
The food is French and fabulous. We feast on scallops with a pea purée, followed by a delicious crispy-skinned duck in a bitter cherry sauce. And we drink a little wine.
I cover my glass with my hand as he tries to top it up again.
“Are you trying to get me drunk?”
I’m starting to feel a little buzzed.
“I’m driving and there’s still some left.”
“If it’s alright with you, I think I’ll switch to water.”
We order coffees together with an unctuous chocolate mousse gâteau that we share.
Time passes easily, as we talk about people from school, about farming, about his business deals. My life in New York and London.
It’s all pleasant enough, but deep down, that is the problem. As I sober up, I know too that this isn’t enough.
And yet, Jac’s stubborn silence screams like an alarm in my ears. Alun might be all that I could ever hope for now.
“Have you had a chance to think about the future?”
I look up from studying my coffee.
“I have.”
“About renting the land to me?”
“Yes.”
His eyes catch mine, and I glance away.
“I’m sorry, but at the moment I can’t.”
“Annie, why not?”
His voice has a note of tetchiness I’ve not heard before, and I can see the strain in his face.
“The thing is, Alun,” I launch in, “I’m not sure if deep-down Jac wants to sell his sheep. If he tells me to my face, or in writing, that he’s giving up his tenancy, I promise, I’ll give you first refusal.”
I read his face, which is set hard against me.
“I can’t be fairer than that?”
“Without the land, Jac has no deal.”
He stares at me, like he’s studying a chessboard.
“So, you’re trusting that hippy drifter to come through for you?”
“No. There’s a tenancy agreement.”
Until Jac tells me he’s going, until he’s gone, there’s still a grain of hope. There has to be.
His narrowing eyes unnerve me, and I let out a deep breath.
“Yes. I am.”
We don’t stay long after that. We drive home through the snow showers that are getting steadily heavier as we head from the coast back into the hills. Like the snow, a sour mood is settling silently between us.
Pulling up outside the farmhouse, I undo my seat belt and stretch over for the door handle. He makes a half-hearted attempt at a kiss, but anticipating the move, I peck him on the cheek before diving out the door.
Skidding across the white carpeted concrete, it’s not until I’m locked inside the farmhouse that I can finally breathe easy.
Whatever happens, I vow to myself, Alun is not the one for me.
A knock at the front door startles me.
“Hold on.”
I kick off my wet sandals and go to unlock the door as the bell rings this time.
Nothing, if not persistent. I thought Alun had got the message. I was sure he’d driven away. He must have come back. I obviously need to spell it out to him straight that I’m not interested.
“Jac!”
He’s covered in the white snowflakes that are blowing and swirling around us on the Arctic winds.
“I read your letter.”
I’m taken aback.
“What?... Tonight?”
His face cracks into a disarming smile, that only exasperates me further.
“It’s been a week, Jac.”
I’m determinedly refusing to thaw, despite his charms.
“That’s still less time than it took for you to read mine.”
He shoots me a smirk, brushing the snow off his head with his hand, and making my heart thump hard.
I give him my best glare, unwilling to break.
“You’re my tenant.” I stick to my guns. “If you want out, you need to give me fair notice.”
I can feel the snowflakes blowing in and landing on my face. And my bare feet are turning numb from the cold.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yes.”
His eyes burn into mine as he edges closer towards me, making my traitorous body thrum.
“In writing,” I tell him, my resolve cracking.
He grins wolfishly at me, grabbing my waist and pulling me to him, out onto the icy doorstep.
“Is that so? Like, in a letter?”
“Yes, a letter would be acceptable,” I gasp. “I’ve told Alun there's no deal. And he won’t buy your ewes without my land.”
“You sure?”
I stare up at him searchingly.
“Unless, you still wanna go?”
I feel his hot breath on my snow-flaked hair as his face lowers towards mine.
“Well then, can I let you know my intentions now?”
“Now works for me.”
He covers my lips, drawing me into a hot, long, lustful kiss.
Feeling me trembling against his wet coat, he pulls away.
“Annie, you’ve got nothing on your feet!”
In one swift move, he scoops me up into his arms. Holding my legs firmly as my hands stretch up around his neck, he carries me inside the house, setting me down on the thick carpet.
He gets out of his coat, and I get back my breath.
I need to know for sure.
“Are you still leaving?”
"You still staying?”
He gently takes my shoulders. Lifting his hand to my face, he brushes the wet drop of a melted snowflake off my cheek with his thumb.
“Yes.”
“Then, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to stay too.”
His warm mouth is on mine again and I feel all the tension between us melting away, consumed by the heat inside us, as we kiss.
“Let’s never fight again.”
He covers my face, then my neck in hot, steamy kisses. His mouth moves to my ear.
“I’m sorry, Annie, for being so mean to you.”
“Me too,” I say, struggling to think, to breathe.
“I should never have doubted you. I got so confused, back there.”
“You still confused?”
I pull away and gaze up at him.
“I meant every word I said in that letter.”
“Every word?”
I nod as he inches closer.
“That you love me?” he rasps, encircling me again in those strong arms.
“Yes.”
“I love you too, Annie. I always have.”
He runs his fingers along my jaw, his eyes smouldering as his lips lower towards mine.
“Where were we?”
“You were staying and I was kissing you.”
“Was it like this?”
My heart pounds as he takes me ravenously by the mouth, pushing me back against the freshly painted wall of the hallway with all the pent-up passion that’s been building between us.
“Yes, like that,” I gasp, our tongues dancing greedily together again, my lustful longing for him rocketing to new heights.
“I love this,” he murmurs, moving his mouth hungrily over my throat, his avaricious hands exploring under my silky dress.
I lead him up to my bedroom, where our eyes meet in thrillingly nervous anticipation.
Standing by the bed, he takes both my hands.
“You sure, Annie? Once we do this, there's no going back for either of us.”
He’s right.
“I trust you, Jac.”
His deep chocolate eyes fix on mine. “I’m in new territory here with you.”
Pulling me down with him onto the bed he begins tentatively to undress me, unzipping and shimmying my silky dress down over my hips.
“Your feet are cold.”
Taking them in his hands, he rubs them, trying to warm them up.
