And then she tensed against him.
“I—I cannot,” Alaina eked out. “I am not a woman who will turn a blind eye to her husband’s countless indiscretions.”
It was in that instant that Sterling knew their life would go nowhere with only secrets and half-truths between them. The time had come for him to decide between his duty and his marriage, and he knew what he must do.
He gentled his hold on her, sliding his hands up her sides and gently cupping her face between his palms. He needed her to hear him.
His very life depended upon her believing him.
“There never was anyone else,” he whispered.
She tried to shake her head against his hands. “Impossible.”
“But it is the truth,” he insisted, hoping the gentleness of his tone would find her where volume hadn’t.
“You expect me to believe that a man like you has…remained celibate for eight years.”
“I expect you to believe it because it is the truth.”
“But how?”
He couldn’t help but release a helpless half-hearted chuckle. “Regardless of what you may think, I do have some self-control. I don’t need to mount everything in a skirt.”
“But everyone said—”
“I don’t give a single damn what thetonand their rumors say…and you shouldn’t either, Alaina. I am telling you the truth,” he reiterated. “I remained true to you and our marriage despite what you may have believed or been told. Even if you haven’t done the same, I cannot blame you…” The last slipped past his lips without thinking.
Sterling had heard his share of rumors while he’d been abroad. They had been how he’d learned about Alaina’s Reading Society and the stir it was creating. Much as it pained him, he’d also heard about Alaina’s retinue of admirers eager to take his place in Alaina’s life and her bed. How could he blame her for accepting any one of them when he knew she’d believed he wanted no part of their marriage—that he’d done ten times worse?
The truth was, nearly a decade earlier, he’d been looking forward to marrying and getting to know his pretty, witty young wife; of starting a family with her.
But everything had happened so fast.
He’d graduated from university, mourned the loss of his parents, come into his majority, and taken on the full responsibilities of his title so quickly. He’d met Alaina and fallen for her. He’d never counted on being sent to the Continent with clear instructions for dangerous espionage and what would turn out to be a nebulous return date. Despite the crass recommendation from his superiors in the ranks of the Spy Society, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to risk impregnating Alaina on their wedding night and then leaving—not when he didn’t know when or if he’d be returning. He had been a selfish bastard to marry her even knowing he would have to abandon her, but he hadn’t been able to stomach the thought of her with anyone else. The excuse was shaky at best, but in his youthful ignorance, he’d told himself it would all work out for the best for both of them in the end. However, the threads of regret that would come to color his life began to form the moment he decided to propose and marry Alaina despite his orders to travel to the Continent, though the deepest part of him had always taken comfort in knowing she awaited his return. That, of course, did not absolve him of his actions, but it was the truth. He’d been young, headstrong, brimming with unearned confidence, and ready to face the world; it would torture him to the end of his days how that had so negatively impacted Alaina’s life.
Many lonely nights of travel and soul-searching over the years afforded him sufficient time to stew in this regret, eventually coming to terms with the very real possibility that his actions may have driven his wife to seek solace elsewhere. He’d also had enough time to realize it would be unfair of him to expect his wife to take on the same celibacy he had…not when she didn’t know the truth: he’d been faithful to their vows.
Alaina flushed at his words.
Was she embarrassed about discussing her lovers? Or that he had admitted that he knew the probability of her having sought comfort in the arms of another?
A surge of jealousy crashed over him, but he clenched his jaw against it.
“I forgive you,” he said as softly as he was able, though the words were like razors in his throat. He had expected her to understand his absence with no explanation; likewise, he needed to accept that his wife may have taken certain opportunities out of spite or loneliness or desire. “I—” He was cut off when Alaina wrapped her hands around his wrists and shook her head more forcefully.
“There has been no one else,” she whispered.
Sterling’s heart stuttered in his chest. He could hardly believe her words. “What?”
“There has been no one else,” Alaina repeated meekly, a blush deepening along her elegant cheekbones.
“Why?” It was an inane question, but he had to know. Could he dare to hope that she’d longed to turn back the clock and had held onto their marriage as he had? He tried to ignore the elation in his chest, but it was nearly impossible.
“When you left a girl of eighteen on her wedding night, you left her feeling like the only possibility was that her husband found her to be the least desirable woman in the world.” She averted her eyes in mortification as she spoke the most brutally, painfully honest words Sterling had ever heard. “Why else wouldn’t you have come to my bed? For that matter, what other man would have wanted me if my own husband did not?”
Sterling cursed beneath his breath, damning himself and the damage he’d wrought. “I’ve always found you desirable,” he swore. “Inexplicably, even more so when your eyes spark and you spit your eloquently venomous darts.” He was heartened by the flicker of a smile on her lips. “I happen to find you beautiful and infinitely attractive.” That smile disappeared and her eyes searched his. He knew she still didn’t believe him, so he set about remedying that. “I find your strength and wit attractive and your body…” He inhaled deeply. “Your body is enough to drive me mad.” Her eyes widened and he could tell she was listening intently. “A weaker man would have walked away from the hell you put me through, but I know—I have always known—you to be worth any battle. Continue your plotting. Throw your barbs. Plan other ways to embarrass me before a crowd. I will be here. I will always be here, Alaina. There is very little you can say or do that would make me do otherwise.”
Her lips parted as if she wished to contradict him, but no sound came.
