To his dismay, Alaina laughed in disbelief and turned to flee the room. Sterling’s hand darted out and grabbed her wrist to stop her. She’d demanded the truth and he’d be damned if he didn’t give it all to her now that he knew they walked a razor’s edge between understanding and utter disaster.
“It is the truth.” The sincerity in his gaze must have given her pause because she ceased tugging at his grip. “I realize it sounds unbelievable, but I swear it is the only thing that could have dragged me from your side all those years ago.
“I was a diplomatic spy in the courts of Europe, chosen for my looks, youth, and title. I could misbehave and assume the role of debauched young duke, all while never drawing any suspicion. My title granted me access to inner circles in high society and my carefully cultivated reputation endeared me to my targets. They believed I was an immoral fop. It was all a façade; I swear it. What I told you before about my time on the Continent was the truth. Everything the tabloids reported was a lie. There were no other women…ever. The life I led was all for show.” He chose to take it as a good sign that her furious eyes never left his face. At least she was listening, and he was determined to plod on.
“I was recommended by one of my professors at university and my training began before my eighteenth birthday. I was too busy to chase skirts like my peers, which is why I’d avoided any romantic entanglements. I never counted on meeting you…of falling in love with you, Alaina.” His heart skipped a beat at her sudden intake of breath. “Our engagement had already been in the works by the time they’d deemed me ready for the plans they made, and I received my orders. I was strongly encouraged to break off our relationship…but we both know how well that turned out.
“Instead, I insisted upon having enough time for us to marry and…convinced them it was vital that I get an heir on you in case the worst happened…but I just couldn’t go through with it. I was a coward who couldn’t chance the possibility of leaving you with child before I fled to my mission and naïvely rationalized that I could at least give you the security of my name and wealth. I was young and stupid enough to believe it was kinder to simply leave than sleep with you and disappear knowing the possible peril involved in the role I’d have to play on the Continent.”
“I—I need to sit down,” Alaina murmured, but she swatted Sterling away when he would have helped her to a chair near the hearth. She dropped into it and took a shaky breath before looking up into his face once more. It broke his heart how beautiful and broken and small she looked. “You truly didn’t leave me because you wanted to, but because you were ordered to? Everything I’ve read, everything I’ve believed about the past eight years was all a lie?”
“All an act. There were never any other women,” he replied definitively, reiterating what he’d already told her several times over and fully prepared to do it as many times as she required to believe it in her soul. “I arranged much of it, but never truly took part. The women were hired. I would put on a show, never exchanging more than a reluctant kiss or two to maintain appearances, and even those left me guilt-ridden. You must believe me; I had no choice. I’d committed to the role and I couldn’t simply break away from it.”
He looked deeply into her eyes, willing her to see the truth. “The entire time, I never stopped thinking about you. Not for a single hour.”
Rather than reassureAlaina, Sterling’s words served only to fan the flames of resentment and pain expanding deep within the pit of Alaina’s chest. His every explanation—every excuse—gradually enraged her more and more…made bile rise to the back of her throat. Everything she’d believed she’d known about her husband these past eight years was a lie. All of it. And he had the gall to accuse her of lying when she wasn’t even sure she knew the barest of truths about him.
And if he’d lied so smoothly for so long, then who was to say there weren’t still a thousand other lies littering the space between them?
“You never even considered telling me the truth?” Alaina’s voice shook more than she cared to admit. “With everything you’ve said, not once did you say you’d weighed the option of simply telling me why you had to leave.”
“I couldn’t, Alaina; it was not safe.”
“No!” she snapped. “Stop making yourself out to be some hero. You simply didn’t once consider that I might have respected your duties and been better equipped to handle the years without you had I had the bolster of the truth to prop me up in my darkest moments. It is quite obvious that you didn’t trust me enough or think me worthy of your secrets.” She jutted her chin in the direction of the paper detritus scattered where they’d once stood. “Yourinvestigationwas evidence enough of that. You formed your conclusions too hastily—not a trait I would think someone with true espionage experience would possess.”
“Everything is different with you, Alaina,” Sterling interjected through gritted teeth. “I—I cannot think properly when I am around you.”
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” She sniffed and then shook her head. “Whatever the truth, it is now impeccably clear to me that all of this was a mistake.All of it.”
Alaina stood andsmoothed her skirts. It was clear she was done meeting his eyes, no matter how hard he silently pleaded with her to do so…to not turn and slowly, woodenly stride from the room. This new stoic side of her unnerved him more than her anger—at least when she yelled at him, she saw him as worthy of her time and emotions. Her ice queen facade slid back into place, and he was frozen outside of an impenetrable wall.
“Where are you going?” he croaked out through his tight throat.
Alaina paused and spoke over her shoulder, never once raising her eyes. “I will be making arrangements to stay elsewhere for a while,” she murmured coolly. “I cannot be around you right now.” She turned once more to leave.
Sterling could no more stop his legs from closing the gap between them than he could his heart from beating. “You cannot just abandon this marriage.”
She froze, her back ramrod straight. This time, she didn’t bother turning her head. “Can’t I? It seems like abandonment is a rather common theme in our lives.”
He violently cursed his poor choice of words as Alaina slipped away. His emotions for his wife had turned him into the worst sort of overbearing husband. He was mistrusting when she’d truly given him no reason to be that way. He was irrational where he’d once prided himself on his level head. He’d become the worst sort of hypocrite for calling her out for walking away when that was precisely what he’d done on their wedding night.
He’d come to know Alaina fairly well since his return…short of bodily restraining her, there was no preventing her from leaving. He also knew he couldn’t be present while her things were packed. While she walked away. The mere thought of it sent a wave of nausea crashing through him with such force that he nearly staggered.
He had to let her go, even if it killed him. She needed time and space to consider whether the depth of his sins was worth overlooking, and he owed it to her to allow her that much.
Not knowing what else to do, he stormed down the stairs and bellowed for his hat and cloak. He’d go to his club and drink himself numb. It was the only chance he had at sleeping without her in his arms.
Chapter Nineteen
Sterling lurked ina distant corner in a room at White’s like a vengeful spirit, watching life but not part of it. When men made eye contact or dared inch toward him, he glared until they turned away uncomfortably. He relied upon his seething, brooding countenance to warn others away, woe be to the man too dense to notice the danger. He was poor company, in no mood for any social niceties, and couldn’t stomach inquiries at the moment. He’d have been better off drinking at home, had everything not been a reminder of his wife and all the mistakes he’d made.
The worst part was that Sterling knew he deserved it. He deserved to spend the rest of his days a lonely bitter man suffering the consequences of all the poor choices he’d made and seemed to continue to make where Alaina was concerned.
For several hours, he tossed back drink after drink and contemplated the great, disgusting mess of his life.
On one hand, he’d made significant accomplishments in his position as a diplomatic spy. He’d earned more than one commendation (albeit, secret ones) for his bravery and cunning; however, it had always felt like such a farce. Who was proud of awards earned from behaving as a dense, spoiled, debauched young buck? It mattered not that he’d ferreted out vital information in foreign courts and likely prevented assassinations and at least two wars. It felt like a joke.Hefelt like a joke. And he’d been looking forward to exacting some real change at home in England where he might directly impact the lives of others using his true voice and soul.
On the other hand, Sterling had wound up losing a part of himself in the process. The weight of his sacrifices to his personal life and personality was far greater than he ever could have anticipated as a younger man eager for adventure and excitement and serving his country. Aside from the unforgivable sin of abandoning his wife on their wedding night, he’d been forced to become someone else—to adopt a persona and do things he found more than a little distasteful. Thetonhad always shaken their heads over his decision to wed so young, but they didn’t know him, not truly. Debauched parties and hell-raising had always held little appeal for him. Having lost his parents so young to illness, he’d formed in his head the vision and hopes of a comfortable, stable home with a loving wife and a passel of children. That had always been his goal. Along the way, the sense of duty his father had instilled in him from the cradle had gotten in the way; he viewed quantity of the impact over quality and saw helping England as a spy was of greater use than being just a duke in the House of Lords. He’d always told himself there would be time to achieve his dreams—that he had a wife who was waiting and seemed fine with doing so because she hadn’t attempted to annul their marriage—but as the years dragged on and Ramsay’s society deemed his presence on the Continent more beneficial than back in England, he’d put off that dream in the name of responsibility.
