A warm feeling spreads inside me. I know he’s just beingkind, but it’s lovely hearing those words.
‘And just remember, everyone gets nervous doing somethinglike this. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But remember Kaz is used topeople being anxious in this situation. She’ll make it easy for you by askingthe right questions. It’ll just be a friendly chat about your writing.’
‘Okay.’ His words are reassuring and I settle myself intothe seat and take some relaxing deep breaths. I’m so glad Logan’s going to bewith me at the studios.
And actually, when we get there and I meet Kaz, I realiseLogan was absolutely right. She puts me at my ease within minutes, asking allabout my writing, and I can tell she’s genuinely interested in my answers,while at the same time gauging in her mind how to shape the forthcominginterview.
She runs me through what will happen tomorrow morning andreassures me that it’ll be a walk in the park. ‘We’ll just be having a relaxedchat.’ She smiles encouragingly. ‘Like we’re having right now.’
I’m feeling good when we leave, and glad that Logan is thereto share it with me.
As he starts the car, I quickly check my reflection in thepassenger seat mirror, just to see if my cheeks – burning with excitement –really are the colour of over-ripe tomatoes.
‘Yup. I look like I’ve just run a marathon.’
He pauses, the car in gear, and studies me with a smile. ‘Och,you look like someone who’s finally had the break they deserve. This should beone exciting journey for you.’
‘Thank you. I suppose I should phone a few people and letthem know I’m going to be on the radio tomorrow. Dad’s going to listen to theshow at work.’
‘Is your dad your number one fan?’ he asks, as we driveaway.
‘Oh, yes.’ I smile fondly. ‘We’re a solid team. It’s alwaysbeen just me and him.’
He shoots me a questioning glance.
I swallow. ‘Mum left when I was a baby. I think being a wifeand a mum was... difficult for her.’
‘Do you remember her?’
‘I think I do. Although I sometimes wonder if I’m justremembering things Dad told me about her.’
‘That must be really hard.’
I stare out of the window for a moment before replying.‘It’s harder for Dad. He pretends he’s made peace with the situation. But Iknow he hasn’t, deep down. Even after twenty-five years of hearing nothing fromher, I know he still holds out hope that she’ll come back to us one day.’
‘You’ve heard nothing at all from her?’ He frowns, absorbingthis.
I shake my head. ‘We had a voice message on the landlinesaying she was sorry and she loved us but that she knew things would be betterfor us without her in our lives. I know Dad tried desperately to find her inthose first months after she left, but she’d disappeared without a trace. Andthe police couldn’t help because she’d left of her own free will.’ I swallowhard. ‘Dad refuses to move house, even though it’s much too big for just thetwo of us.’
‘Because he wants to be there when your mum returns,’ Logansays softly.
‘Exactly.’ My voice breaks and I clear my throat. ‘When Ieventually move out for good, he’ll be rattling around in that house. But...’I shrug uselessly.
‘And how doyoufeel about your mum? It must bereally hard, the fact you never got a chance to know her.’
I nod. ‘I suppose as a child, growing up with just Dad, itfelt normal. I don’t think I missed out at all. Dad’s always tried his best tobe a mumanda dad, and it was only when a nasty kid at school startedtaunting me for not having a mother that it started to bug me. I went through astage of really hating Mum in my teens, mainly because I saw how unhappy she’dmade Dad by leaving us. But also because I felt... well, guilty.I still do.’
‘Guilty?’ Logan flicks an astonished glance at me. ‘But itwasn’t your fault that she left. You were a baby.’
I give a bitter laugh. ‘Exactly. And babies can be...well, babies arelife-changing,aren’t they? And it must be far worse ifyou happen to be landed with a kid who cries all the time and turns your nice lifeinto a hell on earth.’ I shrug, hiding all the negative feelings behind asmile. ‘She must have been at her wits’ end with me... towalk out on us like that.’
‘Martha, no.’ Logan is looking at me in horror. ‘What doesyour dad think? I bethedoesn’t blame you for your mum leaving. I mean,didyou cry endlessly? Did your dad tell you that?’
‘No.’ I shrug uselessly. ‘I’ve no idea really. And that’sthe problem. We never really talk about her because I know it upsets Dad. And Isuppose because I don’t know the truth, my imagination just fills in theblanks.’
‘So you’ve never talked about it properly with your dad?’
‘Not really. I know that probably sounds mad, consideringhow close a bond we have, but the thing is, I grew up knowing that mentioningMum would make Dad very sad. So I didn’t talk about her at all. And eventually,I suppose she just became a taboo subject, with neither of us wanting tomention her for fear that our relationship might be threatened somehow.’ Isigh. ‘Does this make any sense at all?’
