When did I become my father?
And how do I stop?
37
Genevieve
This wasn’t the ending I imagined.
I thought I’d leave Colorado with a boyfriend; maybe try long-distance, and maybe fall harder than I already had. Instead, I left with silence. With questions. With a version of Aspen I didn’t recognize.
He said he loved me.
And I believed him. God, I believed him.
But now, all I feel is stupid.
Never did I expect us to end like this. With him lying to my face, but I should have assumed. He’s just like all the other guys out there. Just like my dad and just like any guy I’ve ever slept with. It’s embarrassing to think I told him I love him.
Did he really mean it when he told me he loved me?
Probably not.
It was probably yet again, another lie. He sure fooled me. I feel like a joke.
Maybe men don’t lie to me because I look like a dumb blond.
Maybe they lie to me because they know I’ll fall for it.
I’ve got my mom’s eyes and apparently her blindness too.
Falling for him was like wearing white in the rain, beautiful but bound to get ruined.
It’s the middle of the day when Lana comes through our dorm room door, while I’m in the same spot she left me this morning, inmy bed. What’s she doing back? She’s normally at school all day long and when she’s not, that girl lives at the library.
She throws a Steak and Shake bag at me. The paper bag is leaking grease from the bottom, but it smells too good to pass up. I stay laying down.
“Here. You need to eat. You can’t just mope around all day because you got your heart broken,” she says. I filled her in last night with all the details. She said she was sad for me, but was happy I wasn’t dead. I could tell she felt bad for me though. Which kills me, I don’t want to be anyone’s charity case.
“I didn’t get my heart broken,” I tell her lying.
“Yes, yes you did. And that’s okay. But I won’t let you lose yourself and mope around for weeks and weeks. So you have today to mope, eat junk and watch sappy movies. But tomorrow is a new day and you are going to start trying in school and showing up for class. I won’t let you fail,” She says matter of factly.
This gets me to sit up into a sitting position. I don’t even want to know what my hair looks like right now. Probably a bird’s nest. But wait, when did Lana grow a pair?
“Thanks, babe. I love you,” I tell her. I don’t even argue about the school part. I know she’s just looking out for me. She’s the first person to show she truly cares about what goes on in my life.
She doesn’t know it, but her voice is the first thing that’s made sense all day.
Maybe longer.
It scares me how much I needed someone to care.
“I love you too, now I gotta get to class,” she says, walking back out the door, into the frightening world that I am in here hiding from.
I toss myself back down onto the bed and groan to nobody. I don’t even want this burger, it reminds me too much of Aspen and Colorado and everything I left behind. But I’m hungry, so I take theburger out of the bag, unwrap it’s greasy goodness and stuff my face. I try not to think of Aspen or the weight I may gain while I do this.
Moments later my burger is gone, but my sorrows still remain and I’m drowning in them. Nothing can fix this pain, but I will treat myself to a Ben and Jerry's ice cream if nothing else.
