I ignore my inner voices and lock myself in one of the stalls. I place both palms on the door in front of me and let my head fall between them. The voices are still there, so I’m trying to breathe and push them down.
You’d think good news would be enough, that I could ride this high on adrenaline alone. But adrenaline’s unpredictable. Snow is unpredictable. Cocaine isn’t.
I hate needing the thing I said I’d never rely on.
I straighten back up and pull out my little vial of snow, and snort some up my nose straight from the container– I don’t want to leave any trace behind so I avoid putting snow anywhere on the bathroom stall. I immediately feel an intense rush of euphoria mixed with energy. It’s like flipping a switch. One second I’m spiraling, the next—quiet. Too quiet. I was getting pretty tired after a long day of work so I needed this bump if I was going to do some training. I exit the stall and check myself in the mirror to make sure there is no residue left on my nose.
I splash some water on my face and refocus on anything but my blown out pupils in the mirror.
I’m good.
I made my way to my station, where I’ve been working for the last three years running the chair lift and grab my board and helmet. I strap my left foot in and make my way to the lift.
I slip into the back of the line and wait just like everyone else. I could cut in line due to my employment here, but I decide not to be an asshole.
When it’s my turn, I pull the bar down over my lap and settle into the chair, holding my board up with my right foot while my leftfoot is strapped in. I try to let my mind wander, focus on anything but everyday life. I love my job, but sometimes it can get a little tedious and mundane which makes this new position all the more exciting and needed.
Okay, scratch that—this is the complete opposite of not thinking about everyday life.
I close my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, and let the fresh scent of pine trees and snow fill my senses. I open my eyes and marvel at the white blanket of snow below me. It is so clean and bright. If I stare too long, I might go blind.
The chair lifts me to the top in no time. I remove the bar, hop off, and dig my toes into the snow as I head toward the side of the mountain.
It’s not too cold yet. The season has just started, so I’m wearing only one layer instead of my usual three. This is my favorite time to ride—when the air’s still crisp, but not freezing enough to numb my body and make falls hurt worse. Plus, it’s easier to move and feel free without the wind and a thousand coats locking up my muscles. Once you’ve got those bulky layers on, it’s hard to do much beyond basic technique.
I decide to hit ‘park,’ the area with ramps made of metal and snow for jumps and flips. I strap my right foot in and get ready to go.
I don’t wait for anything—I let my board do the work and just like that, all my stress dissipates. I shouldn’t be stressing about this new position, but I don't want to let Raul down. He’s invested so much of his time in me and I don’t want him to think it’s all for nothing. I need to prove to him that I can go on to be a professional snowboarder.
I shift my weight forward, digging my toes in the snow to turn right, then shift my weight back, digging my heels to swing left. I’m weaving back and forth, almost like I’m drawing patterns in the snow. As I spot a ramp ahead, I pick up speed, readying myself.
The momentum carries me to the top of the ramp and I shoot down with a rush of adrenaline. I do a frontboard 360– where I slide sideways on a rail while facing forward, then spin in the air and land going the same way I started. I land exactly as I had hoped, pumping with the energy coursing through me.
Some people pray. I snowboard.
Out here, flying down the slope, it’s like I finally match the speed of my own thoughts. For once, I'm not behind them, chasing them and yelling at them to slow down so I can catch up. I’m not some adrenaline junkie who’s always looking for the next thrill, but when it comes to snowboarding, that rush is in every turn and jump I do.
Even though coke gives me that feeling, it's not the same as snowboarding. I do it because it clears my mind. I’m always thinking about something wrong in my life or stressing about something that’s going to happen. It gives me a little bit of clarity, as well as the motivation to keep me advancing to my goals and dreams.
My dad has always struggled with substance abuse and I guess over time I started following in his footsteps. I didn’t mean to at first, I was just trying it socially, but now it feels like I need the drug to keep my cool. Now, I can’t imagine going without it as bad as it sounds. I hope to quit one day, once all my problems go away, but for now this is how I cope.
For me, cocaine and snowboarding are the perfect mix. Usually after fifteen minutes of taking a bump, someone might become irritable or tired or feel like they just got run over by a truck. But for me, if I take it right before snowboarding, I feel the nice high on my way up the ski lift, and then when I come off of it I’m already kicking it in the ass by snowboarding and getting a natural sense of adrenaline.
I keep going up and down ramps, landing all my jumps and I’m at the bottom before I know it. My heart rate has increased tremendously and I’m sweating profusely. That was a good firstrun-through. I am going to go one more time, if that goes well, start trying out some flips I’ve been working on during my third round.
I’ve always wanted to become a professional snowboarder. My dad started teaching me when I was little; it’s become like second nature. It wasn’t until I started working at Smoky Pine Mountain and met Raul that it confirmed my dream was a possibility.
Raul has become my mentor. He’s also my best friend-Gio’s-dad.
Gio moved to Silver Lake in high school from Italy. He came to live with his father because he went his whole life without knowing him. But after graduation, he moved to Florida. So he’s not really around much. When I started working at his resort, Raul told me I could board whenever I want for free while I’m off the clock, that’s one of many amazing perks as an employee. I took advantage of the gig like anyone wanting to go pro would and worked my ass off.
Raul worked me until I was tired and numb from the cold. I would show up whenever he asked and always try everything he threw at me. He broke me down and built me up again. Not just my form but my faith in myself. I feel really good about my riding, now that I’m comfortable in my boots.
But as much as Raul helped me, I think I’ve helped him. He had a falling out with his son, Gio. When Gio left– and although I’ll never mention this to either of them– I think he found what he was missing from Gio through me. And because of that, we’ve sort of created our own family, making family extremely important to me now, when before, it was low on the spectrum.
All I want in life is to go pro, have a wife and kids, but how do you get all that when you barely believe in love yourself?
When Gio moved away, I noticed Raul become more irritable and stressed. It got so bad that he had an episode where he ended up in the hospital. Doctors said he was lucky it wasn’t too bad, but next time it could be deadly. So I know Raul made a lot of changes in hislife, but that was a while ago. I think he is now reevaluating what else can relieve him of stress.
