I remember the way he looked at me in the spring. Like I was something sacred. I wonder now if he was high then, too.
I wonder if every moment I’ve spent with Aspen was while he was strung out on coke.
I drive faster to get home. Although Nebraska doesn’t feel like home. It just feels far.
But right now, far is all I’ve got.
And maybe it’s the only way I won’t run back to him.
And as I cross the state line back into Nebraska, I feel all those feelings come rushing back.
Aspen feels like the flame now. And once again, I’m just another tree in those flames.
36
Aspen
How am I supposed to function? How am I going to continue to live? With Genevieve gone, half of my heart is gone. I feel empty. The air I breathe starts to feel thin and I realize I don’t know what to do without her. Genevieve was a dream I never thought I’d touch. Now she’s gone and I’m wide awake in a nightmare. What do I do?
Watching her leave was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. My chest felt hollow, like I’d carved out my own ribs. She left without letting me explain. If she’d just let me speak, just for a second, I would’ve told her, that I quit. That I kept that bag as a reminder of what I walked away from. For her. It was the last one I had and I didn’t want to use it. I didn’t want to give myself that satisfaction. She just wouldn’t hear me out. I honestly don’t blame her, but still, I wish she would have given me a moment of her time so I could explain, then none of this would be happening. Instead, I now face the potential to lose her, and that’s the last thing I want.
I should’ve told her from the start. I should’ve looked her in the eye and said it: I’m an addict. Just like your dad, but I’m trying to be better. I want to be better. For you. Maybe she would have appreciated me coming to her and recognizing my sickness and admired my willingness to change. But instead I assumed the worst, that she wouldn’t understand, and instead I never even gave her a chance to understand.
Besides all of this happening, I have to leave for work. As much as I don’t want to, I have to pay the bills. Plus I have to tell Raul that his favorite cook won’t be in today. He’s going to be so pissed.
I drive over to the resort and walk straight to the bar area where I’m hoping to catch Raul, and sure enough, he’s putting down the chairs in the bar to get ready for guests. I walk up to him nervous, but on a mission. I just have to rip the bandaid off.
“Hey boss,” I tell him, trying to hide the nervousness in my voice.
“Hey, where’s Gen?” He asks immediately. I love how he’s more concerned for her than me. He doesn’t know that my heart is currently broken into a million pieces and that she took half of it with her back to Nebraska.
“She left,” I say choking on it, like the words taste wrong.
“She left where?” He asks, hoping that I tell him to go to the bathroom, but unfortunately for both of us that’s not the case.
“She left back home. We got into a fight” I tell him.
He remains quiet, letting the information I just gave him sink in.
“I see,” he says. He takes a seat in the chair he had just taken off the table. His head is hung low and he honestly looks just as defeated as I am.
Raul gets up from where he’s at after a minute and goes behind the bar. I watch him, nervous for his next move. He grabs two glasses and fills them both up with bourbon. He nods towards one of the glasses silently telling me to grab one.
I do as he says and we both raise our glasses towards each other, then shoot back the burning liquid.
“Are you okay?” He asks after swallowing the liquid.
I shouldn’t be surprised he’s not angry. I should’ve known that Raul values my feelings more than losing an employee and having to pick up the slack. He’s always treated me like a son. I don’t deservehis kindness. I’ve lost him a great replacement employee at least until Derek comes back tomorrow.
“No,” I admit. “But I’m hoping I will be.” I set the glass cup on the table and he fills me up again without pause. I shoot back another shot before he speaks again.
“Look, Conner has been handling the classes alone since before you joined him so I think he can handle a day by himself. Help me in the kitchen area this way you can just be in the back and don’t have to talk to anyone,” he tells me, a sense of relief washes over me.
“You know sometimes you are just so sweet I forget about all the times you can be a complete dick,” I tell him.
He laughs. “Take the bottle. Drink your sorrows away, just serve them something edible, please. God knows I can’t.”
“You got it boss,” I tell him, grabbing the quarter empty bottle and my glass from the counter.
