"Nothing I haven't seen before," I answered.True, but also not.It hit differently now because I knew what it felt like to have all that pressed up against me, and I wanted more.So much more.
I crawled under the covers, tugged them up to my chin, and watched Nick cross the room.He hovered at the edge of the bed, as if he needed an invitation.I patted the spot next to me.
"You're not going to get cooties, Tuna.Just lie down."
He obeyed, careful to stay on his side.We lay there, not touching, the gulf between us six inches and a million miles wide.
I stared at the ceiling, listening to the way the building breathed, the faint tick of pipes, the muted laughter from a room two doors down.Eventually, Nick turned on his side to face me, propping his head on his hand.
"You nervous about tomorrow?"he asked.
I wanted to say no, but the lie wouldn’t come.
"A little," I said, voice so small I almost didn't recognize it.
He nodded."You don't have to go through with it if you don't want to.You don't owe anyone anything."
"I do," I said, and for once, I meant it."There were other girls the other men would bring.If they’re still doing that..."
He studied me, eyes sharp and soft at the same time.
"Okay," he said."I'm here for you, if you need a shoulder to lean on."
I let out a breath, and my hand found its way to the edge of the blanket, fingers worrying the seam.I wanted to reach over and touch his hand, to feel the weight of him next to me, but I didn't.Instead, I lay there, feeling the heat of his body and the safety it offered, and pretended that was enough.
Chapter 13
Nick
THE DREAMS WERE ALWAYSthe same.I’d be in a blank space, no walls or ceiling, with nothing but the smell of her— paint and sweat and the vanilla undertow of her skin.
Nadya.The one woman I couldn’t get out of my head all these years.
I’d try to catch her, but she was always just ahead, laughing that smoky laugh, until suddenly she was closer than seemed possible.My hands in her hair, my mouth on her neck.
This time, the dream was different.Her hair fanned across my cheek.She fit under my chin, back to my chest, one of her legs trapped under mine and my arms holding her to me so she wouldn’t escape again.I felt the impossibly real warmth of her, as if this time she was tethered here, with me.Her vanilla scent was stronger than ever.I ran my nose along her scalp, inhaling, and tried to stay in the dream forever.
