He hated this stiffness between them, as though they’d never been intimate, as though he didn’t know how wonderful it felt to have her muscles throbbing around his cock.
“If you’re ever in want of a mistress...”
The words started out light in tone, growing quieter until they trailed off, no doubt because of the anger coursing through him that he couldn’t hold in check. It had to be visible in his eyes. “Is that what the other night was? An audition?”
She blanched. He grimaced.
“You know it wasn’t.”
“I know. You didn’t deserve that. But I don’t want you to be my bloody mistress. I want you as my wife.”
“I told you why I can’t marry you.”
“Do you think I give a bloody damn if someone turns his back on me? Do you think we can’t teach our children how to handle the arses of the world? I began my life being bullied, Thea. It’s not pleasant, can be incredibly hurtful. I don’t know how many times I went off alone to a corner and wept. Then felt shame that I was crying. But I survived it, and I learned that I never wanted to do anything to make another person feel the despair I felt at that moment. It is survivable, and because of it, perhaps I’m a better person than I might have been otherwise.”
“Proper Society is nothing like the streets of Whitechapel or the rookeries. You’ve not been a lord long enough to understand how very different it is. I think you’ll find your opinion on the matter will change in time.”
What he felt for her, what he wanted with her, was notgoing to change, but he didn’t know how to convince her of that.
He also understood it was very different to be betrayed and bullied by those you once loved and thought loved you. Those who had treated him poorly had never meant anything to him, so he’d been able to brush off the taunts like so much lint. She couldn’t claim the same. People who had mattered to her had been unkind.
“Because I thought we were going to marry, I took no precautions to ensure I didn’t get you with child.”
“I did.”
Those two words crushed his chest because her being with child was his last hope to have her.
Her cheeks flushed. “I assumed you had Jewel teach me how to avoid pregnancy for a reason.”
He nodded. “Only abstinence is a hundred percent. If you find yourself with child, you’re to send word. Inside the packet, you’ll find my parents’ address in London and Scotland. You can always reach me through them.”
“I know you don’t understand that my decision is truly for the best, but a time will come when you will.”
“Perhaps you have the right of it. But what I can tell you at this very moment, with absolute certainty, is that I will never stop loving you.”
Her face crumpled, and that he could not bear to watch. “Goodbye, Thea.”
He strode out of the room, snatched up his bag, and headed off into the unknown.
Chapter 29
Scotland
February 1874
Beast stood at the large window in the front parlor and gazed out at the rain cascading from the heavens.
He’d been at the Scottish estate a little over a month, and during that time, he’d met aunts, uncles, and cousins. He’d galloped over verdant hills of green. Acres and acres and acres of it. So much land. One day it would be his. His father had taken him to a loch, and they’d fished. An abundance of activities to catch up on. An entire youth’s worth.
He’d gone for a walk in the forest and caught sight of a stag. He’d thought of Robin and the delight the sight would have brought the lad.
Thank goodness he no longer got lost in this massive residence that was more castle than manor. Lamps and candles provided the light. When dusk arrived, he used a match from the match safe his mum had given him to light the lamp in his bedchamber to ward off the darkness. He didn’t fear the absence of light. It was the pain of Thea’s absence he was striving to ward off and having a devil of a time doing. In spite of all he was attaining, he’d lost what he most treasured, and when he thought of the future, it seemed bleak indeed.
Especially after reading the missive from her that had arrived that morning. She had been succinct and to the point. She was not with child.
Pulling his watch from his waistcoat pocket, he flipped open the cover and looked down at her portrait. He wondered if a time would come when the ache in his chest wouldn’t increase with the reminder of her. Not that he needed the reminder. She was never far from his thoughts. Everything he saw or experienced he wanted to show her, share with her. Even the rain.
He wanted her opinions on matters. Was his cousin Angus as much of an arse as Beast thought he was? Did Beast look ridiculous in a kilt? He’d worn it only once. It was going to take some getting used to.
