“Regg—”
She shoved on him, cutting off his use of the shortened version of her name that only he had ever used, and sent him staggering back a few steps. She hated to have lost control, to sense the heat of her anger beginning to burn brighter. “I am done with you. And I have been for years.”
Lifting her skirts, she made haste to reach the open doors leading onto the terrace and from there into the gardens. She desperately needed the cooler air and hoped Chidding had not witnessed her display of temper. She’d already waltzed with him once, and he’d reserved the final dance of the night for her. He was charming and witty, with hair the shade of burnished red and eyes the darkness of brewed tea. He reminded her nothing at all of Knightly.
Finally, she was outside. Raising her skirts higher, she raced down the steps and then slowed her pace so as not to give the impression she was in fact running away. She wasn’t. Damnation but she was. From the memories that still plagued her. Putting them to paper had only temporarily rid her of them. Knightly approaching her had brought them and the emotions surrounding them back to life. The joy. The humiliation.
The humiliation had torn her asunder. But the joyhad been exquisite. The kind that served as the impetus for sonnets being penned, songs being sung, books being written. She dearly wanted to experience it again but was fairly certain it was allowed only once in a lifetime. While she liked Chidding quite a bit, was comfortable with him, she knew she’d never fall madly in love with him. Nor would he with her. While she experienced moments when the realization saddened her, she understood the need for sacrifices.
A good bit of her life had been comprised of them. What was one more?
Her thoughts traveling darker paths, she decided to take her feet in the same direction and left the lighted pathway through the gardens, making her way over ground carpeted by thick grass. The distant glow provided enough illumination she was able to wend her way between the blacker shapes and shadows and avoid stumbling over foliage or snagging the silk of her gown. The very last thing she needed was to return to the ballroom looking as though she’d been involved in a tryst.
She came to a stop beneath a towering elm. Before her a brick wall enclosed the duke’s parcel of land in London. A brick wall similar to one against which Knightly had once pressed her as he’d devoured her mouth. Why did every blasted thing she encountered have to remind her of him?
Even the blossoms in this area of the garden smelled of sandalwood—bloody hell, the scapegrace had followed her. She wondered, if she sprinted fast enough, if she’d create enough momentum to propel herselfover that wall. But then running from him wasn’t the answer. It never had been. “Why will you not leave me in peace?”
“I owe you.”
“An explanation regarding the truth of that morning?” Neither his words nor his actions had ever made any sense to her. She swung around. “After all these years, it had better be damned good.”
“I remember a time when you didn’t use profanity.”
“I used tonota lot of things. I was a child then. No longer. So why precisely did you change your mind about marrying me?”
“ThatI cannot explain.”
“I am past the point of having my feelings hurt because you found fault with me. So list out all the reasons you changed your mind, all the details about me that you decided made me unsuitable.”
“Christ, Reggie, is that what you thought all these years? Trust me, my not going through with the marriage had nothing at all to do with you.”
“Ha!” She slapped a hand over her mouth at the unexpected burst of a scoff. She certainly didn’t need for anyone to find her hidden away here with Knightly, for Chidding to hear of it. Curling her fingers into fists at her sides, she took a step forward and said scathingly, “Perhaps it was your plan all along to publicly bring me shame, to show all of London I was not worthy of dreams, was reaching for something beyond my grasp.”
Knightly shouldn’t have followed her, should have left the ball the moment he realized she was there.She’d made her point during their last encounter, but to hear the justifiable rage slithering through her voice, the pain causing it to rasp, the humiliation making it tremble—he felt as though he’d been catapulted back to that morning when he’d broken her heart. She, too, was there again, bombarded by all the emotions that should have been absent that day. The years had brought her no solace, hadn’t washed away the memories or caused them to fade. He hated how she continued to suffer.
If only he could have spared her the cruelty of being caught in the web of deceit that unceasingly held fast to tear at them.
He needed to free her, and he knew of only one way to accomplish that task. In the darkness, it would be easier to face the past, to explain to her when she was lost to the shadows how he would make everything right. He couldn’t undo what had transpired that day, but by God, he could make it right for her, just as he’d made it right for another.
“I unexpectedly learned something about myself, and I knew with me, you would never achieve true happiness. I sought to spare you a future that would have involved far more tears than smiles.”
“Well, if that’s what you considered sparing me, then you’re correct. I would not have remained happy with you.” In spite of the fact that he couldn’t see her clearly, he was very much aware of her penetrating perusal of him. “What did you learn of yourself? That you’re a coward?”
He couldn’t help it. He grinned. He’d thought her formidable before, but she was more so now. He wanted to confess everything, but he’d sworn to take the secrets to his grave. The well-being of others depended upon his discretion. “Close enough.”
She sighed with apparent frustration. “I’ve been gone from the ballroom too long. I need to get back.” She made a move to leave.
“How badly do you want Chidding?”
Her gaze swung back around to him, landing on him like a harsh thud to punctuate his words. “I beg your pardon?”
“At the Dragons, you didn’t seem at all bothered by his impoverished state. I suppose he could be classified as handsome.”
“I don’t give a fig about his appearance. I need respectability for me and for... Arianna. I don’t want her growing up ridiculed and mocked as I was. I don’t want her hidden away.” She slammed her eyes closed and shook her head. “I realize that is precisely how she is living now. A secret. The staff is exceedingly loyal. They won’t betray her, but as you witnessed, she is of an age where she tends to get into mischief and rebels against the boundaries I have set for her.” Opening her eyes, she met his gaze straight on. “In spite of his impoverished state, Chidding’s reputation is unblemished. He amassed debt striving to keep his estate maintained. I find him quite admirable. The few times we’ve been together, he’s been kind, hasn’t attempted to take advantage.” She rolled her eyes. “We haven’t even kissed yet. And I don’t know why the bloody hellI’m telling you any of this when it most assuredly is none of your concern.”
“I can deliver him to you.”
She growled, and he was reminded of a dog straining against its tether. “I don’t need your interference. I don’t needyou. I’ve gone five years without you in my life and managed quite well, thank you very much.”
