Ihadn’t been to this playground since middle school, but when I needed a place to meet Quinn, somewhere quiet and private, that was the first spot that came to mind. I got there first and dropped onto one of the rubber swings, wincing a little when my weight forced the sides into my hips.
“Want a push?”
I hadn’t heard Quinn approach; she must’ve walked to the park. I twisted in the swing to look at her. She stood behind me, her fingers shoved into the back pockets of her faded jeans, and her face was inscrutable. Her hair was pulled up into a messy pony tail, the kind she wore when she was at home in her room, doing homework or reading. She must’ve dropped whatever she was up to as soon as I’d texted. Something small and pleased stirred in me, a little bit of bright in the sea of downright shitty.
“I’d say sure, but I think I’ve outgrown the swing. Damn chains are biting into me.” I grasped the links and pulled myself to my feet. “You came.”
She lifted one shoulder. “You asked me to come.”
I leaned against the thick pole that held up the swing set and the attached slide. “After ... the way things have been, I wasn’t sure. I’ve been a real asshole. I wouldn’t blame you if you ignored me.”
Her gaze flickered up, sweeping over my face. “You’re my friend, Leo. Mybestfriend. I’d never ignore you when you asked me to do something.” She took the swing I’d just vacated. “What’s up?”
Swallowing hard against the gigantic lump in my throat, I stared across the empty blacktop into the dark. “Remember when we were little, and we’d lay out on a blanket in Nate’s backyard, looking up at the stars? You used to try to tell us that you could count them.”
A small smile curved her lips. “Are you saying I was lying?”
I dropped my head back against the iron pole, closing my eyes. “You were always so sure about everything, Quinn. What was right, what was wrong. You acted like it was easy to know.”
Silence stretched between us, broken only by the soft drag of her sneaker on the pavement as the swing moved. When she spoke again, her voice was tinged with sadness. “I was a kid. It’s not so hard when you’re little. Life gets complicated the older you get.”
“No shit.” I laughed without humor. I stretched my neck, looking up into the clear night sky. “God, Mia. It’s all so fucked up now. Things were better then.”
She sighed. “Maybe.” The chains on the swing creaked, and I could feel their movement through the frame of the structure. “Leo, why did you ask me to meet you tonight? I’m guessing it wasn’t to talk philosophy.” The pole behind me shifted; she was swinging a little higher now, and everything moved in concert. “And if you brought me out here to—to tell me again how much you regret kissing me, you can go to hell. You’re just—”
“My mother has leukemia.”
Everything came to a screeching halt. The pole I was leaning on jerked as Quinn brought the swing to a stop. She stood for a minute, her fingers still wrapped around the chains, the seat resting against her upper thighs. When I let myself meet her eyes, they were round, filled with stricken shock.
And then she was moving, barreling toward me in typical Quinn speed. Before I could take another breath, her arms were around me, pulling me close, offering me the comfort I’d been craving. I let her give it to me, taking for just a few minutes the love she poured over me. She didn’t take away the pain, but her nearness dulled it a little. Or maybe it was more of a shifting of weight, moving the fear and uncertainty from where it had rested on my shoulders to be borne by Quinn and me, together. I remembered something my grandmother used to say, about a burden shared being a grief halved.
She leaned back after a moment and gazed up into my face. “Tell me. When ... and is she okay? What’s going to happen?”
I fastened my eyes on a spot of white paint on the ground behind her. “They told us tonight. I guess something weird came up in her blood work, during her regular physical. They ran tests, and ... yeah.” I gritted my teeth together to fight back the tears that wanted to fill my eyes. “Um, I guess they have a plan. She said something about chemo and a bone marrow transplant and needing to find a donor. But honestly, I don’t remember. I kind of checked out after they said the word leukemia.”
My chest shook as the terror there threatened to rip its way out. I wasn’t a mama’s boy, not by a long shot. Not with two older brothers who were more than happy to point out any time I might veer into that dangerous territory. But still, I was the youngest. Simon and Danny had already been in school when I was born, so I’d had Mom all to myself, and we’d been buddies. She wasn’t too girly to teach me how to toss a baseball, how to hold a bat or how to catch a football. And even though baseball was her first love, when I chose to play football instead, she’d never missed a game.
“Leo, it’s okay. This—it sucks. Your mom is one of the best people I know, and I hate that this is happening, but she’s strong, too. It’s going to be hard, and it’s going to be scary, but I know she’s going to make it.” Quinn rubbed my upper arms with her hands, smiling up at me, through the tears that were streaking silently down her cheeks. “What can I do? Do you want to talk, or do you want me not to talk about it?”
That was my Quinn. My Mia. I’d been fucking shitty to her for weeks—longer than that—but the minute I needed her, that didn’t matter. She was here for me, just like she’d always been.
I brushed a few tear drops from her face with my thumbs. “I had to see you. As soon as they were done talking, telling us, and Simon—he was acting all take-charge, trying to figure out how to be here around his work schedule, and Danny just got silent. Like, he didn’t say a word. He shut down. But all I wanted was to get to you. I don’t know how I can get through this, Mia. I can’t do it alone.”
“You won’t have to.” She hugged me tight again and then stepped back, holding onto my hands. “I’ll be here for you whenever you want me, and Nate, too—I know he’ll do anything he can.”
I nodded, but I knew I didn’t need Nate. Not like I needed Quinn. Everything I’d been holding at bay for months, every frustrated desire I’d been fighting back, all the deep, messed-up and undeniable feelings I had for Quinn came roaring back until they were about to eat me alive. I couldn’t think about anything else but the girl standing in front of me, her fingers warm as they gripped mine. All the reasons I’d had to push her away and to pretend I didn’t want her—they all seemed stupid. Idiotic. I’d been wasting my time when I could’ve had Quinn in my arms.
Her green eyes were shining as she looked up at me. There was concern in them, yes, and sympathy, but something else. Something that made the bottom drop out of my stomach and had me leaning over her, sealing my lips on her soft mouth.
She responded at first, lifting on her toes to meet me better, angling her head to fit us together. The rightness of us—Quinn and me, the way we were meant to be—surged over my body and soul.
And then she tore away from me, pressing her fingers to her lips as more tears welled up in her eyes. “Leo—what’re you doing?” She took a step backward, away from me.
“I thought I was kissing you.” I advanced on her, but she ducked away from me.
“But why? Why are you kissing me, Leo? Because you’re sad about your mom? Because you and Sarah broke up and you need a handy substitute? Or because you’re grateful that I came when you called? Or is it—what did you say the other day? That you feelsorryfor me? Is this just another pity kiss that you’re going to pretend didn’t happen tomorrow? Poor Quinn, who can’t get a boyfriend on her own, doesn’t have anyone to kiss her—but it’s okay, because Leo the big football star’s going to spare me a kiss. Thanks, Leo. I really appreciate it. You’re a pal.” She wheeled around, turning her back to me.
“Fuck it!” Out of desperation, I punched at the nearest target, which happened to be the slide. Pain reverberated up my arm, but it was nothing compared to the anguish I was feeling inside. “Fuck it all. I’ve been trying to stay away from you, Quinn. Trying to do any goddamn thing to stay out of your path and keep you away from me, too.”
