The problem with dating someone who was a semi-public figure was that when one needed to have a serious conversation, going to a restaurant or bar just wasn’t an option. As I’d wrestled with the best place to have my difficult talk with Noah, I’d realized that my options were limited to his house or my cabin. We needed privacy, and those were the only two places that would afford us that.
In the end, I’d chosen Noah’s house because I would have the freedom to leave once we’d finished talking. At my place, I wouldn’t have been able to end the conversation short of throwing Noah out, which was something I’d never do.
That was why I sat at his kitchen table—which was reallyAngela’skitchen table—eating subs for lunch with Noah while I tried to come up with a good way to broach this subject.
He’d greeted me effusively, with a signature Noah Spencer bear hug and a kiss that had left me gasping. Even if I were trying to make the case that Noah and I didn’t have what it took to go all the way when it came to a relationship, there wasn’t any way I could deny the passion between us. And damn, the man was a fine kisser.
He’d tucked me under his arm and led me into the kitchen, proudly presenting the huge subs he’d ordered from a local shop. When we sat down to eat, Noah had promptly devoured his sandwich, impressing me with his ability to stuff that amount of food down his throat.
“I’m sorry.” He wiped his mouth. “During camps, I’m ravenous all the time. Everything is so physical, I tend to be all about the id. I need to satisfy the basic needs.”
The heat in his eyes as they swept down my body didn’t escape me. Clearly, Noah had a lot of basic needs that wanted satisfying.
I nibbled at my sandwich. My stomach was in knots as I thought about what I had to say to this man who’d been a friend and almost-lover for so long. The last thing I wanted to do was to break his heart.
“Noah.” I reached across to take his hand. “I wanted to talk to you about us.”
“Yeah, me, too.” He turned his wrist so that our palms rested together. “I know I said it before, but dammit, Emma, I’m so fucking sorry about how I pushed you when we went out to eat. I just assumed that we were both on the same page. I thought you’d be happy to lay out a plan.” One of his huge shoulders rolled. “I was wrong, obviously. I just . . .” His eyes clouded, and he looked miserable. “I’m not sure how to do this the right way. How to have a girlfriend. I never had to try so hard with Ang, you know?” He brought his hand to his forehead. “And there I go again, talking about Angela when this is about you and me.”
“Noah, please don’t.” I curled my fingers around his arm. “Never feel bad about mentioning Angela. She and I were friends, and I miss her, too. You know that. We’ve always been free to talk about her, haven’t we?”
He nodded. “Yeah, but I was discussing things with the guys, with some of my friends from the team . . .” He ducked his head, and his cheeks took on a reddish glow. Oh, God, this man was going to be the death of me. He was so adorable. So perfect. And so not for me.
“And the guys said I shouldn’t talk about Angela so much, because you’re going to feel like you’re competing with her. That’s the last thing I want.”
“I have never felt like I’m competing with Angela, Noah, but it’s so sweet of you to be worried about that.” I sat back in my chair, trying to find the words I needed. “I spent a lot of time in Virginia thinking about us. Let me ask you something, Noah. Do you love me?”
His eyes went wide. “Yeah. I do.”
I smiled slightly. “I know. I love you, too.” I hesitated. “But why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you love me? Why did you want to date me? What made you ask me to be your girlfriend?”
His brows drew together. “I don’t know the answer to that. I guess because you’re amazing, Emma. I like to hang out with you. You’re easy to be around. We laugh together, and we never run out of things to talk about.” He coughed slightly. “Also, you’re really hot. You’re beautiful, and you’re sexy. I’d have to be crazy not to want you.”
“That’s very flattering, and I believe you. But I started to wonder about something.” With my fingertip, I traced the wood grain on the table that Angela had purchased and refinished. “That night when we were out to dinner, you had a plan for us. And it was all about us starting a new life together. But did you ever stop and think that the new life you described sounded an awful lot like the life you had with Angela?”
Noah leaned back, studying me, a slight frown on his face. “No. I mean, I didn’t think about it that way. I guess it’s just the life I’ve known, and I miss it. I’m ready to be back to normal.” He ran a hand through his short hair, leaving it standing on end. “It sounds incredibly selfish when I say it out loud, but to be brutally honest, I loved everything about the way my world ran before Ang was diagnosed. We had fun, you know? We went out when we wanted, but mostly, we stayed home and did things in the house or the garden or whatever . . . but we did them together, and that was all that mattered. Then she had cancer, and it seemed like we never got back to that place. And then she was gone, and it felt like I’d never be able to be happy again.”
“That’s not selfish, honey.” I rubbed his hand. “We human beings . . . we have comfort levels and happy places. There’s a kind of therapy I’ve recommended to patients—it’s called EMDR—and part of it is remembering the place where you feel the most secure. For you, those years after you and Angela got married, when you were just starting out in professional football—that’s your secure place. It’s perfectly natural that when you’re stressed or anxious, you’d want to go back there.”
“But it’s not fair to expect you to be the one to recreate it with me.” He expelled a long breath. “I didn’t see that before, and I’m sorry, Emma. I didn’t even think about the fact that your dreams might not line up with mine.”
“That’s the perfect way of putting it.” I swallowed hard. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Noah. And don’t think that I’m not incredibly attracted to you—and I think we could have had a fun relationship if we never wanted to take it any further than dating. But I’m passionate about my job, too. I don’t want to give it up for anyone. It’s important to me—and I have enough hubris to believe that I play a key role in helping to make the world a better place.” One side of my mouth quirked up. “My little part of the world, anyway.”
“You do. I’ve seen it.” Noah clasped my hand between both of his. “I know that’s true, but I was still willing to force you to walk away from it to make me happy. God, I’m a jerk.”
“No, you’re not. Aren’t you listening to me? We just weren’t moving in the same direction, and we didn’t realize it.” I blinked back some sudden, unexpected tears. “Noah, don’t think for a moment that this—us not working—is somehow your fault. It’s not. We’re such good friends that it was natural for us to believe we could take it to another level. I thought it would work, too.” I glanced down at our joined hands. “When I was away, I had some much-needed perspective. I could see that you were looking for someone who could help you find a new way forward. As much as you say that you want to get back to what you had with Angela, I think there’s another part of you who knows that can’t be. But you can find a new happy place, Noah.” I slowly disentangled my hand from his. “It just won’t be with me.”
“What about you?” He didn’t move away, and his eyes were steady on mine. “What were you looking for, Emma?”
I hesitated. “I think . . . I was looking for safety. For security. I wanted someone who wasn’t going to leave me, who I knew was steady and dependable. I hate to admit it, Noah, but you were my safe choice. And you don’t deserve that.” I drew in a shuddering breath. “You deserve to be someone’s wild choice—the object of some lucky woman’s wildest dreams.”
Noah dragged his fingers over the table. “I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. Maybe I already had my one and only chance at that with Angela. Maybe the best I can hope for now is just . . . contentment. Safety.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Well, that’s the most depressing shit I’ve ever heard. You’re not ancient, Noah. God, you’re not even middle-aged. You’re young, and if you decide to give up on finding another crazy-making love, you’re stupid.” I rested my elbows on the edge of the table. “And we both know that you’re not a stupid man.”
