I let myself wonder now what might have happened if I’d been brave enough in those days to break up with Ryan. Would Nash have made a move? Would we have ended up together? Might my life have turned out to be so very different than it was?
“I thought I might find you here.”
Even in the early morning stillness, Nash’s voice didn’t startle me. It was as though somehow, part of me deep inside knew he was approaching and was prepared to hear his voice.
“It’s been a long time, but the beach has always been my happy place. Always will be, I guess.” I wrapped my arms around myself and glanced at him over my shoulder. “I’m probably too old to change my ways now.”
To my relief, Nash chuckled softly. I had been half-afraid that he’d come to the beach to continue berating me, to demand an explanation for what had happened—or not happened—so long ago, but instead, he seemed content to stand next to me and gaze across the sea at the pink sky.
“We’re not so old,” he replied. “At least, I don’t feel that way most of the time. When I looked at you last night, it didn’t seem that I could be much past eighteen.”
“You don’t look very different,” I admitted. “I would have known you anywhere.” I rubbed my hands over my arms as though I was chilly, even though it had to be almost eighty out here already. “I think I’ve probably changed quite a bit, though. I feel as though I have.”
“You’re still fucking beautiful, Peyton.” Nash’s voice quivered with emotion. “You still are, and always will be, the most gorgeous girl at Crystal Cove High.”
“But I’m not a girl anymore.” I dropped my hands and turned to face Nash. “Even my daughter is not really a girl anymore—she’s a grown up, confident thirty-four-year old woman.”
Nash’s breath caught. “You had a girl, then.”
I nodded. “I did. And she is perfect and beautiful and smart and funny in all of the ways a mother could hope her daughter would be.”
“I’m happy for you.” His voice was thick. “Happy that it worked out.”
I huffed out a short laugh. “I’m not sure that anything worked out for me, Nash. Not in the short-term anyway.” I dug my toes into the cool sand and pointed down the beach. “Want to walk with me? I was going to check out my old hidey hole and see if it’s still there.”
He hesitated only a second before nodding.
“Sure. A walk on the beach sounds perfect.”
We began to move slowly, our arms dangling between us. I didn’t have any plan to tell Nash the truth—all of my truth—but I found myself speaking anyway.
“I didn’t lie to you, Nash. Not that last day here on the beach, or any other time, either. I planned to do exactly what we’d agreed. I was going to go home and get through graduation, and then I thought we’d do what we said—tell our parents that we were having a baby. Start to plan a wedding. Move to Georgia and start our lives.”
I didn’t miss the wince of pain on Nash’s face, but I soldiered on.
“But that day, I got home, and my mother was waiting for me. She had heard through the Cove grapevine that Ryan and I had broken up, and she was very upset. She asked me what I’d done to make him end things between us, and I—well, you know, I was pretty emotional. So it all spilled out—that I was pregnant and he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby.”
“Fucking prick.”
I slid Nash a sideways glance. “Not going to disagree. Anyway, then my father got home and figured out what was happening—and he took my mother’s side. They told me that I needed to talk to Ryan and figure out what we were going to do, and that I shouldn’t bother coming home unless I had a wedding ring on my finger—or at least a plan about getting one on my hand.”
“Jesus, Peyton.” He shook his head, squinting out at the ocean. “Did you tell your parents that you weren’t alone? That we were going to get married?”
I sighed. “I tried, but you don’t know my mother. She only heard what she wanted to hear, and she—well, she was always so obsessed with status. She wanted Ryan to be my future. I think she figured that I’d go over to his house, we’d work it out, and everyone would live happily ever after.”
“Why didn’t you come to me when they threw you out?” He sounded so pained, so tired, and I felt compelled to defend myself.
“Well, it wasn’t exactly turning out the way we’d planned, was it? We weren’t going to have my parents’ support, and I—I was ashamed. Embarrassed.” I leaned down to pick up a shell, examining it without really seeing it. “I thought about showing up at your house and having to explain to your parents that I was pregnant—and hell, Nash, you knew that no one was going to believe you were the father. We’d never dated, we’d never even hung out together, aside from studying. I couldn’t stand the idea of ruining your life, too. So I went to Ryan’s house instead.”
“Because you were okay with ruining his life?” Nash asked grimly.
“No, although he was equally to blame for my situation. I went to his house because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I thought about Aunt Maggie and Uncle Joe, but I couldn’t face them. I knew—” Tears clogged my throat. “I knew disappointing them would be worse than my parents, even. We were so close back then, and they used to brag about me being smart and going to college—I just couldn’t take it.” I coughed, took a moment to gather myself, and then went on. “When I got to Ryan’s house, he didn’t want to let me inside. He made me stand outside on the back porch, and he just humiliated me. I was about to leave when his mother came home, and she asked what was going on, and then it all just sort of . . . came out. When Peg heard what was going on, she was furious with Ryan. She was already plenty mad about the liquor store situation that was making them move to North Carolina, and this pushed her over the edge.”
“You can’t blame her for that.”
“No,” I agreed. “Peg loved her son. She really did, but by that night, she already knew he was heading down a bad path. When Ryan’s dad got home, they decided not to wait until after graduation. They were afraid that Ryan would run or get into more trouble or both. So we spent that entire night packing up what they could, and early the next morning, we left the Cove and drove north.”
“That must have been hard for you. Missing graduation. Leaving your parents and your friends.” Nash’s words were careful and measured.
