I have to admit, Marion has gone out of her way to make this cozy and comfortable and friendly. This is the kind of niche thing which makes people come back or tell their friends about it. There’s a healthy turn out of guests, there’s three different varieties of hot chocolate and many types of Christmas cookies.Music is playing softly from a speaker, and if all that isn’t enough, snow begins to fall softly outside.
Marion turns off the music and steps up in front of the TV.
“Thank you so much for coming, everyone. Every year I do this, I think it’s the year no one is going to show up, but I do it anyway.” She looks around at the Christmas tree and decorations, sighing deeply.
“Christmas was my husband’s favorite time of the year. He always went all out and there were always big parties at the ranch. This is the second year I’m doing it without him but I’m so grateful to have my grandson here to help an old woman.” She smiles at Connor.
“Pretty sure you’re going to outlive us all,” he says.
“That’s what we used to say about your grandfather,” Marion says, making everyone laugh.
He helps her sit down in a large chair and turns the movie on, sitting down in the chair beside her. While everyone is focused on the movie, I use the cover of darkness to watch Connor. I used to wonder if I’ll ever see him again and what I’ll say to him if I do. Now here he is, talking to Marion in low whispers, laughing quietly at whatever she’s saying.
“You’re staring,” Sadie whispers.
“I know,” I whisper back.
Marion said this is the second year she’s celebrating Christmas without her husband. Connor left New York in August of that same year, the news of his sudden retirement a shock. That must mean his grandfather died then, or shortly after. Connor told me his grandfather raised him and his brothers, but he’d never wanted to stay here so he’d fought with his grandfather to leave.
I don’t want to know the reasons why he left New York because I want to hold on to my anger for as long as possible. But I can’t stop myself from feeling a twinge of sympathy for theman I loved. I can’t help wondering if he left because of a family emergency. But then why didn’t he tell me? I would have gone with him, I would have supported him. I’m not fucking heartless.
Connor looks up and right at me, our eyes meeting in the darkness. From the moment he asked me out, I haven’t been able to describe this pull I feel towards him. It’s like my soul recognizes his soul and wants to be near him.
“Oh, this issonot over,” Sadie mumbles next to me.
“Sadie!” I hiss.
“Don’t say my name like that,” she says. “I’m not the one making intense eye contact with my ex after throwing water in his face, threatening to break glass over his head, and telling my family I don’t care about him.”
I wince. I have been embarrassingly erratic today. I force myself to look away from Connor. It feels like pulling apart something that’s been stuck with glue.
“It’s over,” I tell Sadie.
“Uh-huh.” She nods, glancing between me and Connor. “I believe you.”
“We’re not getting back together,” I say.
“Sure,” Sadie says, sipping on her hot chocolate.
“I don’t care what you say. I have to focus on the wedding.”
“I believe you. I’m on your side.”
It doesn’t feel like she’s on my side. It doesn’t feel like I believe half the things I’m telling her.
NINE
SCARLETT
When I go running over the next few days, I skip Cedar Creek Ranch. Not that it helps because I see Connor around town all the time. He’s helping someone carry a big box from the hardware store, or he’s talking to the same group of old men, or he’s helping Marion put up even more Christmas decorations.
One day, I come down and Marion is directing him to hang garlands over the staircase railing.
“It’s like Santa’s village of the damned in here,” Connor says. “It’s too much.”
“It’s never too much,” Marion says, her eyes finding me. “What do you think, Scarlett?”
Connor looks up at me and I avoid his gaze. Mostly because I’m worried he’ll be able to tell I’ve been thinking about him.
