Maud and I walk together towards the bushels of sweetgrass that lay in neat rows.
“We’ll put them in the shed. I think there’s just enough time for us to have something to eat before tonight’s moon run,” she tells me. The second I hear the words moon run a shiver runs through me. My palms tingle with the rush of excitement that hits my body. What if this isthemoon run?
My moon run?
Yes, I know it’s superstitious to think my wolf will make her first appearance on a full moon like some cliched fairytale or ugly duckling finally turning into a beauty, but I’ve never been able to help myself. In my daydreams, the moon run is exactly when my wolf comes to me. What better way for her to make her grand entrance and show the pack that I’m special? That I am worthy.
In my delusional dreams I go from the unwanted orphan to the apple of Frostclaw Pack’s collective eye. It’s a good omen, no,the best omen, to have your first shift during the moon run. Everyone knows it. Even if they wanted to, the pack wouldn’t be able to keep me on the outskirts. Only the most favored shifters are blessed by the moon goddess with a moon run shift. I won’t be the orphan the pack is saddled with after I shift during the moon run. I’ll be desirable, useful. I’ll be wanted.
Wanted.
Not tolerated, not suffered, but wanted. Having a place in the pack is something I’ve longed for until my teeth ached from the force of it. The only place I’ve ever felt wanted is with Maud. I look over at her. She’s bending low to grab a bundle of sweetgrass, but I stop her. Maud needs me. She wants me.
She always has.
“I’ve got it.”
She waves me off. “It’s too much work for just you. It’ll take half an hour to lug all this to the shed on your own.”
“Then I’ll use the wheelbarrow,” I tell her. I’m already walking towards it. We’ve got it upside down and propped up against a tree to keep the rain out. “I’ll make quick work of it.”
“But supper-” she starts and it’s me that waves her off this time.
“Will still be on. It’ll take just the same amount of time. I promise.”
Maud makes a face at me but she lets me get to work. “Fine, but if we don’t get to eat the chicken I’ve got roasting before that damn run I’m going to get a hangry and then you’ll rue the day. You know how I get when I haven’t had my evening meal.”
Rue the day.
Maud always says I’ll rue the day but there’s not a day I’ve regretted when I’m with her. I can smell the chicken roasting with plenty of garlic and lemon and my mouth waters. There’s not a chance I’ll miss getting a piece of that with some of the sourdough I made this morning.
“My rueing will be so very great. I’ll gnash my teeth and tear my clothes,” I promise her and begin to stack the sweetgrass in the wheelbarrow.
The corner of her mouth lifts in a smile. “The only correct response to a missed evening meal.”
I smile back. “Clearly.”
Maud swishes into her hut and I work as quickly as I can to keep my word. Even if I don’t rue the day, I’ll be up shit creek if Maud is cranky. And besides, the runs go into the early morning hours, and I’m not keen on working my kitchen shift on an empty stomach while the pack enjoys themselves. In Frostclaw, hierarchy dictates the pack’s dinner plates from the alpha all the way down to me. If I don’t eat with Maud, sometimes there’s nothing more than a nibble or two left for me at meals. My stomach growls just thinking about the nights I worked with nothing to eat and I pick up my pace. After only fifteen minutes or so I’ve gotten most of the sweetgrass moved, there’s only a trip or two left and I’m practically skipping as I load up the wheelbarrow with more sweetgrass than I should. I can barely see over the mountain I’ve managed to pile in the wheelbarrow but I’m determined to do this in just one load.
There’s roast chicken on the line, after all.
I make it to the shed, only losing a few bundles along the way which is a victory but before I can relish the win, I smell him.
Him.
Even if I haven’t shifted yet, I’m sharper than a human in terms of my senses, and even if I was a human I bet I’d know Keiran Ashford from a mile off. I don’t know why he started to do it but he started coming out here, to the woods beyond the clearing Maud’s hut is in. At first he didn’t do anything other than watch while I worked, gone as soon as I scented him in the air.
I don’t remember who talked to the other first. I guess it was probably me. The ache in my chest is back and I rub at it absentmindedly as I remember how things began with Keiran. No. It wasn’t him that started it. It couldn’t have been. I’m so starved for interaction,I know it was me.
Those talks were just that, talking with a few awkward glances. Sometimes we walked and talked but that was it. And then somewhere along the way talking and walking turned to sitting and watching the sunset or the moon’s path across the night sky when I was supposed to be safe and in my bed in the bunkhouse. I snuck out to meet him in those days.
It didn’t take much at all before it turned to more.
Keiran was my first everything but all those firsts didn’t translate to much when we weren’t alone. When we were in public, it was like I didn’t exist, not even when the others talked shit or piled up on me.
Keiran didn’t say a word then. That was something I guess. He could have joined the rest of them poking fun at the orphan. I knew why the other’s did it. If they weren’t at the bottom then their rank, as low as it was in the grand scheme of things, was secured. They were fine, so long as they weren’t me. No, Keiran didn’t join in. He looked through me like I was a ghost.
That didn’t make sense to me.
