“No, you don’t deserve quick. I’m going to do what I should have done a long time ago, the second I saw you in my dream and rip you out of me from the root.”
A sob rips out of me and I have to bury my face in the pillows to muffle it. It’s almost worse knowing that I’m alone, that this is all my doing, my inability to leave my memories alone. If Keiran was here, I could run from him like I did when I left Frostclaw and got on that bus but there’s nowhere to run now that I reached my destination. It’s then that I realize this is the first night I’ve slept alone.
Every other night of my life I’ve been in the dormitories for unmated females, with Maud, with Keiran or on the bus with Gus driving and Jenny and the other passengers snoring around me. Is that why my memories are so loud? Why it feels like it’s hitting me for the first time all over again?
My chest aches where the mate bond had been and I press my hands tight to it as I cry. No matter how I lay or rub at the pain, I can’t soothe the hurt away. If anything, it makes me cry more. I wish…I wish I wasn’t alone right now and in a place I don’t know. As comfortable as the room is, it’s not mine and I’m so so tired of the loneliness that’s eaten away at me until I feel hollowed out. A walking husk of who I should be right now and no one else can see my wounds. How can I explain to them that it feels like I’m screaming alone underwater with no one to pull me out? Like I’m drowning in the dark, no sense of up or down, of how much further I have to swim to take that one breath of life sustaining air?
It’s simple. I can’t explain it.
So I don’t and I never have. Not that I’ve had many opportunities outside of Maud and Keiran.
“Fucking hells,” I whisper. “Stop, please stop.” These pleas are for me and me alone. I have to stop thinking of him, remembering what he was to me.
“It won’t be when I’m Alpha. I promise you, Cordy. I’m going to make this place safe for you. I swear I will.”
The only thing I do when I think of Keiran is torture myself. I break my heart all over again. I know that but it’s no use. I accepted his rejection so why does it feel like I’m dying?
Heartbreak.
It’s heartbreak.
I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. Keiran has been the only one I’ve ever loved. Until now I’ve been hurt by our relationship but never broken-hearted. I sniffle and swipe at my tears that just keep coming no matter what I do. When I felt upset about something Maud always made me a cup of chamomile tea. I wish I had one now, it might help me calm down. I think about going to the kitchen but I’m not sure where everything is and I don’t want to wake Clover. She’s nearby. Up a set of stairs with a room above the kitchen and the last thing I want to do is wake her, but that’s when I remember the wardrobe.
I sit up and look at the big wardrobe. What little light there is from the moon shines on it, beckoning me forward. I have to try at least.
“A cup of tea is inanimate. It could work.” When Clover went over the wardrobe with me the only guidelines she gave me was nothing living. I didn’t think of food and drink though but it did make soap and clothes for me so why not tea?
I get up from my bed and pad towards the wardrobe. The only thing on my mind is chamomile tea. Clover said to hold as many details of what you wanted in your mind for the highestsuccess rate. I haven’t thought too hard on anything that I’ve conjured but now I focus hard. The way it smelled in Maud’s hut, how the ceramic mug felt in my hands as I cupped it close and sipped my tea. I can taste it as it warms me from the inside.
I stop in front of the wardrobe. I’m not crying now. Focusing on the tea was enough to stop me from having a breakdown. That’s already a win, right? I sigh and pull open the wardrobe and right there sitting in it is a steaming mug of chamomile tea. I smile and pull it towards me to take a sip.
At the first taste of chamomile, I relax. I inhale deep, hold it for a beat and then exhale. It’s like I’m there with Maud where nothing can touch me and I suddenly don’t feel so alone anymore. I take another drink of tea and turn to go back to my bed but a creak outside of my door stops me. I freeze and look at the door. My hearing is better now, I probably wouldn’t have heard the creak if I didn’t have my shifter hearing.
I take a half step towards the door and listen but there’s nothing else. I keep walking to the door and it’s when I’m a foot away from the door that I hear a slight thump on the floor before more silence.
Someone is outside my door but who?
I press my ear to the wall and hold my breath but there’s nothing. I move to the door and do the same thing but again, I hear nothing. I look down at the knob and consider it. If I was braver, I’d pull open the door. I might do it now if I felt scared but there’s something about the creak and the thump that doesn’t scare me.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I stare at the door for another second before I walk back to my bed to sit and finish my tea. When I’m done, I lay down and pull the quilts tight around me. The ache in my chest is gone, like it was never there. That’s the last thing I think before my head hits the pillow and I go to sleep.
Chapter
Twenty-Two
THORNE
I’m making my rounds when I feel like I’ve gotten kicked in the balls. The pain is quick and sharp, so much so that I stagger a few steps from the weight of it and have to brace a hand against the wall.
“What the fuck?” I look around me to see if someone just hit me with something but there’s no one. I’m in the town square by the bakery, and was about to head on home when whatever this is nearly dropped me. I pat myself down to make sure I didn’t get shot again but again, nothing. I stand up straight and give myself a mental shake.
I’m fine. This is fine. I had a long day, that’s it.
I get three steps toward home when I actually do have to take a knee from how bad it hurts. I breathe but the deeper I try to breathe the more it hurts until I’m left with shallow breaths. The ache has moved now, it's in my chest, right next to my heart. I press a hand there and instantly know what it is.
Who it is.
