I wish I had more than the cold pump water to wash myself clean from Keiran. I want to scrub every part of me he touched. How could he not have told me? Even if what we have is a secret, something he’s ashamed for the pack to know…I still thought we’d become friends.
A friend.
The only thing I’ve wanted—that’s why I let Keiran hollow me out like this, isn’t it?
“You know this means he’s chosen his Luna,” Maud goes on. She rubs my back as she speaks. The comfort of it does little to soothe the empty feeling in me but I take a deep breath and push it down just like I always do when something terrible happens.
I lift my head and look at her. “He’s dreamed his mate then? Finally?”
Finally.
I used to wonder how I would feel when Keiran finally dreamed. Every time he came to see me in the woods there was that split second of fear that took up shop in my chest, made a home for itself and laid itself so heavy and sharp against my heart until he’d reach for me or smile at me, and then I’d know. He hadn’t dreamed. Not yet, but even then I knew it would happen. Sooner or later Keiran would dream and when he did he would see his mate’s face. He’d know exactly who he was meant for because his dream would work the way it was supposed to.
He wouldn’t be like me.
“Keiran’s mate,” I say, those two words like lead on my tongue. “He’s seen her then?” I ask Maud. We both hear the crack in my voice, the hitch that gives away how hard I’m tryingto stay nonchalant, like the delicate house of cards I’d built with Keiran hasn’t been upended. She gives me a pitying look, and I have to look away. Pity I’m used to seeing in the eyes of the pack but Maud?
She doesn’t look at me that way.Never.
“I’m fine,” I tell her quickly.
“If you weren’t, there wouldn’t be a soul that could blame you, Cordelia.” Her voice is soft, words measured. She’s worried for me but she’s misreading my pain. The pain she’s seeing now isn’t just about finally losing Keiran. I'm hurting over what Keiran took from me when he tricked me into doing the one thing I vowed never to do.
Part of me screams. It knows I should have never started any of this up with Keiran, the stolen moments of fantasy, or pretending that I was a normal girl. The kind of girl that had a family and a home waiting for her. When I was in Keiran’s arms it was easy to fool myself into believing that I had a place in the pack, that I belonged. Because if I was good enough for him then someday I would be good enough for the pack. And little by little, I let him in. I let him get close to me and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I let him into my heart.
I gave him everything. Every part of me was his and only his.
“I’m okay,” I whisper, eyes on the table. I’m not. We both know it. Oh Luna, I’m going to have to see his mate, look her in the eyes every day and wish that I had what she did. Bitterness aches through me like a drum beat so loud that my bones rattle. I feel sick just thinking about it. I always knew I’d have to give Keiran up, but if he was mated, it stung less.
In the pack, mate bonds are fast and loose with mates stepping out on one another when a stronger partner or infatuation sways them to do so. Bonds easily made are easily broken. I’ve never wanted that. Not when Luna the moon goddess has picked my true mate out for me. I know I don’t havea fated mate, those are rare, precious and magical, given only to the moon goddess’s favorites.
Outside of Maud, I’m no one’s favorite.
I can’t even see my mate’s face in my mate dream. Even so…everyonegets a true mate. Everyone means me. The entire pack has always had their dreams come true, and one day so will I. I’ve waited just the way Maud has told me to. I will see his face one day and when I do, fidelity and trust are going to be what we build our life on. No room for secrets in a true mate bonding like I aim to have. It’s easier to breathe when I think about my true mate waiting for me.
Keiran doesn’t have to be the end of me. Not if I don’t let him.
“Has he seen his mate?” I ask again and this time my voice isn’t so shaky. I sound…well, I don’t sound great but I don’t sound terrible and that’s a start.
“No, he hasn’t.” Maud shakes her head and then pulls out a chair for me. “It’ll be a chosen mate to strengthen the pack. A political match. I don’t know much about her other than she’s from the Moonshadow Pack.”
Moonshadow Pack. Of course.
The news of a political match doesn’t surprise me. Our Alpha isn’t one for sentiments. If the payoff was worth it he wouldn’t hesitate to marry Keiran off to forge an alliance. The Moonshadow Pack is almost as powerful as Frostclaw. They’re also filthy rich if the stories I’ve heard are anything to believe. I bet Keiran would be choosing one of their best for his Luna tonight. She’d be nothing like me.
“Sit,” Maud orders and starts fussing over fixing a plate for me. I do as she says and can’t help but smile while I watch Maud. For everything I’ve been dealt, I’ve always had Maud and for that I’m grateful. “Eat every bite,” she says and slides the plate in front of me.
“Yes, ma’am.” I dig into my food and it's easier now that I’m grounded. I have Maud, I have a future as a healer, I have building a room to look forward to, and I’ll get my car. I have more than enough. I have plenty.
We eat in companionable silence for a few minutes when Maud breaks the silence. “You’ll steer clear of Keiran then? No matter what, after tonight you won’t go to him, will you?”
She’s chewing on a chicken leg and spearing a potato when I look up at her. It’s the‘no matter what’that does it. She doesn’t sound right when she says that.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
Maud shrugs like it's not that big of a deal but we both know different. “I mean that you won’t let him come sniffing around for you, and that you won’t fall for whatever heartstrings he pulls, you’ll stay away from him. Promise me, Cordelia.”
I put my hand over my heart in an oath. “I don’t fool around with mated wolves. You know that.”
