“Of course.”
“It’s just that I think I’ll fall asleep quicker, you know and I mean, it would just be for this one time if-”
“You don’t need to explain to me why. All that matters is that you want me with you,” he says and gestures to the bed, “show me where you want me and that is where I shall go, my heart.”
My mouth goes dry and my entire body feels like it’s lit up from the inside. I don’t know what’s more attractive. The fact that he validated me or that he asked me to show him whereI want him.It’s intoxicating to think that Jaak cares about what I want, especially from him. A centuries old, no, make that many millennia old, archdemon cares about what I want.
“Here,” I tell him, putting my hand on the bed next to me. I’m smack dab in the middle of the massive bed. There’s a few pillows piled up that I shove to the side to make room for him when he starts to make his way towards me. “I’d prefer to be in the center. It feels safer.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever considered the safety aspects of a bed,” Jaak says but he gives the bed an assessing look. “The center does seem the best to guard oneself from an attack. I approve.”
“Thanks,” I tell him and watch him settle under the covers. I want to reach out and touch him so badly, snuggle right up against him and drift off to sleep. I’ve never slept with anyone in my bed before but I think it would be nice with Jaak. He’s big enough that I’m sure I’d feel protected from just about anything, but in the end I’m too nervous to close the few inches betweenus. I wish I could, I want to but no matter how much I want it my hands just don’t move.
I sigh, close my eyes and tuck them under my cheek. Maybe I’ll work the nerve up to do it next time. There has to be a next time, right? We are married, like well and truly married. He did carry me over the threshold and all that so I don’t think he would think it was weird if I touched him and maybe if I asked it would be okay to-
“Meadow.”
“Y-yeah?” I snap out of my spiral at light speed when Jaak says my name. When I open my eyes I see that he’s watching me. He’s laying on his back, face angled towards me. The low firelight plays across his face, there’s more shadow than light on him now. I know I look the same.
“What is it?” I whisper.
“Do you wish to come closer?”
The dimness of the room makes everything seem smaller. Cozier. The darkness and shadows fold in around us like a cocoon. For this one small moment it's just us and maybe that’s why I’m able to be brave enough to ask for what I truly want.
I lick my lips and swallow hard. “I do. I-I mean, if that’s okay with you.” I barely finish my sentence before Jaak is reaching for me and pulling me close. He turns so that I hit his chest with a resounding smack.
“Ohhh, okay, I think you’re okay with it then,” I say, my words muffled in Jaak’s chest.
Jaak rubs my back in answer. “I am,” he says and a second later he pulls the covers up around my shoulders. “I will always want you near if that’s what you wish.”
I look up at him. “Really?”
Jaak looks down at me with a frown. “Why do you seem puzzled by this? I have seen inside of you,” he taps a gentle finger to my temple, “every thought and memory of yours has beenshared with me. You saved me.” His eyes move slowly over my face before they lock onto mine.
I drop my eyes, the earnest look in Jaak’s gaze is too much. I have every bit of his attention. I don’t know what to do with that.
“Wherever you go, Meadow, I will follow. So long as you let me.”
He says that I saved him but I don’t see it that way. Not completely.
“You saved me too, you know,” I tell him, and even when it feels like there’s a two ton weight pressing down on my chest I keep talking. “I had those nightmares for a long time. The light didn’t show up until I was ten. That was you. I-I never felt safe, not ever except for when I was close to that light. I never felt alone when you were there. When you were there I felt like I would get through this. That one day, things would change, the world would be okay and I wouldn’t be so scared because now I knew how it felt to be safe.”
“Meadow…” Jaak’s brow furrows and he drops a hand down to trace a finger along the side of my face. “From now on you will always be safe. This I promise you, my heart.”
No one can promise that.It’s the voice in the back of my mind that doesn’t see how any of this can work out, that can’t imagine a world where I’m not terrified or worried, can’t see me as ever truly being safe after a life in a cult.
But still, it feels nice to indulge in it and believe Jaak because if anyone can keep me safe I think the Lord of War and Chaos is a good place to start.
Chapter
Sixteen
That night, I sleep. I don’t mean a little sleep, never lasting through the night and ending up with me waking up every few hours either from a nightmare or my own body’s weird sleep schedule. Neither of those happened last night. I slept soundly and peacefully, I didn’t even dream.
I also didn’t float up to the ceiling which is a big plus.
Sunlight streams into the room while I rub my eyes and try to get my bearings. The room isn’t cozy anymore. In the bright light the room is big, bigger than I thought last night, it’s extravagant even. When we tried the lights in the house they didn’t turn on, so I didn’t get a clear look at everything. Now in the morning light I see that everything is posh and antique looking, kind of like the Founders’ homes when we were invited for special occasions.
