I smile and look up at him. “You’re kind of the perfect husband for being locked up in a rock for a thousand years. I don’t get it.”
“That’s what you see as a hindrance? Not me being what I am?”
I raise an eyebrow. “A demon? What, no. You know that wouldn’t bother me. Look at how I was raised. According to their rules I’m flying high right now that I bagged a demon husband,” I joke.
Jaak doesn’t laugh, his face is somber. “I mean my beast.”
“Oh, that.”
“Yes, that. It’s not ideal but it is the form I’m most powerful in. There will be times when it is a necessity for you to see it, but I promise to shield you from it as much as I am able. You will not have to look upon it much.” Jaak turns me around and starts to move me back towards the house. We’ve gotten to the top of the hill now and I can see the house in the distance from where we are. We’ll be home in ten minutes, maybe less.
An owl hoots, the sound of its wings whooshing through the air as it flies overhead makes me understand why Jaak wants to get inside. Anything could be out here. Anyone.
So I walk, but I don’t stop talking. “I don’t want you to hide it from me. I want to see it. I want to see you.”
“No, Meadow, that is not possible. It cannot be. My beast is the price I pay, not you.”
“What happened to sharing your burden?” I ask him and I hold up a hand when he starts to argue. I know he’s going to tell me something selfless and altruistic but I won’t have it. “No, it’snot right that you think I don’t want to see it. I do. I want to see you that way because it’s you, and I want all of you. Maybe it’s the cult I was raised in or maybe it was the night terrors and what I’ve seen in my dreams for years that have skewed my sense of what I like but I like you,” I tell him in a rush. “And I like all of you, your Minotaur included. I think-well, I think it’s beautiful just like you and I hate that you don’t see it that way. Whoever made you feel that way deserves my foot up their ass.”
“It was a god,” he says. “A god made me this way. I was not always a demon.”
“I’ve seen gods defeated before. How hard can it be?” I ask, already mentally working out how I’ll get the jump on a god. It’ll take some maneuvering but I can do it. I would do anything for Jaak. The golden thread between us glows brighter, the soft, warm light shines in the twilight. I grab it and give it a gentle pull. “Doesn’t this tell you how I feel about you? Don’t you know that I want every part of you? Even the things that you don’t think are lovable. I want those the most of all.”
Jaak looks from the thread to me and then picks it up. He loops it around his finger and squeezes it tight. “Why? Why would you want that? It’s-I’m a monster.”
“Because I want to keep them safe. I want to make them feel loved.”
Loved.
Love.
It’s there. It’s hanging between us, rushing between us in the gold bond that I know is deepening what I feel for Jaak by the second. It’s not making me feel this way, though. I already knew Jaak as the one safe place I could count on when there were monsters after me. I knew it in my dreams and I know it now. I do love him. He loves me. I can feel it with every surge of light through our bond and it makes my knees weak.
I never thought I would be loved by anyone, least of all like this. I thought my life would be small. Dictated by others who got to decide how worthy I was, how much love I deserved based on how useful or perfect I was. How much I followed the rules they made.
But that’s not true.Not anymore.
I’m here with Jaak, the demon that I married. The one that I’m going to love and cherish, give every part of me to in exchange for the kind of love I only dreamed about existing because even in a world where true love did exist, I never thought it would for me. That was when I thought no one could have what they truly wanted—it was safer to never ask, to never dream. If I never asked, then I wouldn’t ache with the knowledge of what I hadn’t found, but that is a torture all it’s own. A bitterness that cut me down to my bones until Jaak proved me wrong.
“You can’t love that part of me. No one can.”
I shake my head and step closer. I loop the thread around his wrist and use it to pull him to me. “I will. I do. You can feel it here. I know you can.”
A look of anguish passes over Jaak’s face and he leans forward to kiss my forehead. “Let’s return to the house. I will tell you about my beast and how it came to be. You will understand then.”
Jaak’s words have a double meaning. He sounds resigned. Like he’s confident that whatever he will tell me will explain to me exactly why I can’t love him completely. I’m going to prove him wrong. I know I am.
“All right. Let’s go home.”
Chapter Twenty Four
The walk back to the house is quiet. It feels tense, but I try to ignore it. I tell myself it’s because we’re hunting maniac mages that could be anyone and not because of whatever Jaak is working himself up to tell me.
Whatever he has to say, I’ll deal. We’ll deal with it together.
That’s what you do when you’re head over heels falling for someone. I worry my bottom lip while Jaak tests the wards around the perimeter. I couldn’t feel them earlier but now I can. When we cross the yard towards the house it’s like I’m hit with a wall of water. It’s icy cold and makes me shiver. I look around me but everything looks the same.
“I felt that. Your ward, I mean. It’s cold.”
