“We were all in a panic when we couldn’t get a hold of him. None of us knew what to do. After you wound up in the hospital, and we knew what the medical directives specified, a decision had to be made immediately. Sasha gave the go ahead for your surgery. You have to understand we didn’t even know where Flynn was until after you were in surgery.”
“Do you agree? With Sasha’s decision?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because the Barrett of old would’ve fought like hell. Which leads me to believe that you not wanting to fight was just another symptom of your tumor.”
“What?”
“You said brain tumors can effect personality. I’ve never known you to back down from a fight, and when it came to your own health, your own survival, you justacceptedit. You accepted your death like it was a foregone conclusion.”
I fell silent as I pondered her words. Was it true? Did I not want to fight because the tumor itself had changed me so drastically? Or had I really made my peace with living out the last few months of my life on my terms?
“I guess we’ll never know,” I said quietly.
“I guess not. I’m glad, though. That you’re here. That you’re still you.” She gave me a watery smile.
I couldn’t help but smile back, tears gathering in my eyes.
“Is there not just a tiny part of you that’s relieved?” Ash asked.
“Relieved? About what?”
“Relieved that the decision was taken off your hands? Relieved that the surgery has already happened?’
“I don’t know. Maybe. Yes? I guess?” I blew out a breath of air. “Will you give me a mirror? I want to see the…damage.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
With a sigh, she riffled through her shoulder bag and pulled out a compact. She flipped it open and held it out to me so I could see my reflection. My entire head was shaved and on the left side of my skull was a thick C-shaped incision that had been stitched closed. The only color on my pale face were my red eyebrows.
“Oh God,” I whispered and hastily closed my eyes. “You could’ve warned me.”
“I asked if you were sure if you wanted a mirror,” she said. “And besides, you don’t look that bad.”
“I don’t lookthat bad? What are you talking about? My fucking head is shaved.”
“We’ve had two weeks to get used to it,” she said.
Her comment was casual, and yet it reminded me that they’d all had time to adjust to a new reality already and I hadn’t.
But I was alive. And that was everything.
Chapter51
FLYNN
We’d rentedrooms at an Inverness bed and breakfast ten minutes from the hospital. As much as I wanted to see my children, they were safe in Dornoch, an hour away. I spoke with them on the phone every night while trying to field questions that I didn’t have the answers to.
“I need a shower and shave,” I said to Duncan and Sasha. “And then we’ll have a meeting.”
Sasha and Duncan nodded.
Thirty minutes later, the three of us were in the sitting room. The French doors were closed to give us privacy, a roaring fire chasing away the chill in the air, with tea and sandwiches on the coffee table.
