I came to a halt and grasped the railing near me.
“What is this really about, hen?”
“A baby.”
“No. I don’t think it is.” He sidled up next to me. “This is something else. The baby is just a mask for something deeper. Are you unhappy, love?”
“Unhappy?” I repeated. “I’m the farthest thing from unhappy.”
“Then what is all this about? You’ve been…restless.”
Flynn and I traveled the world. We had three amazing boys, wonderful friends, a rich life full of laughter and excitement and enough money to do anything we wanted.
“I know how it sounds,” I began. “Nothing is missing from our lives, but you know that feeling when you’re about to leave the house, and you pat yourself down to ensure you have everything you need, but you feel like you’re forgetting something? I feel like I’m forgetting something, Flynn.”
“And you think another baby is the thing you’re forgetting?”
I could tell he didn’t understand. Not that I blamed him. I wasn’t sure I understood it, either. But it was a feeling, a sense that I was an incomplete puzzle, and that without another child I would never find that last center piece.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I just—I don’t know, Flynn. I can’t explain it any better than I have.”
“What if I say yes, Barrett? What if I agree and we make it happen and then you realize it’s not about a baby at all? What if it’s something different?”
“Tarnished metal,” I said quietly.
“What?”
“I feel like tarnished metal. I feel worn out and dull. I want something new and beautiful. Something that lights me up. Something that gives me a purpose.”
His brow furrowed. “You don’t think you have a purpose? What about the SINS?”
“What about it?” I asked, raising my brows. “We are more than just the SINS, Flynn.”
“Just like we are more than just parents.”
“Touché.”
“You were lost for so long,” he said, pitching his voice low. “With the lads, I mean. You made no secret of that fact. They changed our lives, for the better of course, but there was a time that you weren’t—that you…”
“I wasn’t myself,” I finished for him. “I know.”
“That could happen again. With a new baby.”
“Maybe.” I turned my head to look in the direction where the boys had run to. I couldn’t see them, of course. No doubt causing havoc and chaos.
“I’m concerned,” he said. “You’re not what I’d callmaternal. Not in the traditional sense, and yet you’d do anything for your children. But they can’t fill the void inside you. I don’t think another baby will change anything for you. It’ll just change us. Our entire dynamic and life will change all over again.”
He took me into his arms. “Really think about why you’re asking for this. And if you come to me and you can look me in the eye and say clearly and for sure why you want this, then I’ll seriously consider it.”
Chapter3
FLYNN
I satdown on the plush leather couch in my private study and had to stifle a moan of relief. Tonight, I would sleep in my own bed. After weeks on the yacht seeing to business with Hadrian, I was glad to be home. The yacht was comfortable. I’d made sure of it. But there was nothing like the sanctuary of your own house.
“You look exhausted,” Duncan said from the other couch. “We should’ve waited to have a family dinner until you were settled in.”
“It’s fine,” I assured him.
