“I need an explanation,” she said, her eyes filled with determination. “I need to know why you’re hellbent on ignoring this connection.”
There it was, the line in the sand drawn. I could either choose to stay on my side or take the opportunity to erase the divide between us.
Meeting her glowing eyes, I found I couldn’t lie to her or dismiss how she felt—but my answer didn’t feel any better. It felt like bullshit. It felt weak, and I knew she would see straight through it.
“Because I can’t afford to let my emotions distract me from my duty.” I swallowed, trying to think of everything I’d experienced and what it meant to love someone when you were in my position. My walls were weakening, though, and they shook as I pushed forward. “I’ve seen too many lives lost when emotions are involved, and I don’t want your life at risk.”
The frustration in her gaze fizzled out, replaced by confusion. “But emotions are already involved.”She was right. I would still fight it, though.“You can’t just ignore emotions. You can’t just notfeel.”
Oh, but I could.At least until recently. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of that anymore. Feeling nothing wasn’t an option when it came to Kyella, which was why I was trying to be so damn controlled when it came to the actual actions I took with her. My thoughts, though, were a different story.
“I’m not saying I don’t feel,” I said, holding her gaze steadily. “I’m saying I can’t afford toacton my feelings.”
Kyella’s mood turned somber, something like realization flashing in her eyes. “Feeling something for someone, loving someone, is one of the biggest motivators in the world. It’s what pushes someone to cross mountains for the other, or for a mother to give her life for her child, or for a father to go off to war to keep his family safe. It’s what pushed Tristan to take the risk of bringing his family across the Cursed Divide.”
Her face flushed a beautiful pink shade as she got more heated and frustrated. “I get it, Elijah. I get that it’s not easy. I’ve had shit luck when it comes to people caring about me—those that did were killed—but I’m not going to let that tarnish the hope and desire I feel for the three of you. I’m not going to let it ruin something that could be amazing before it’s even had a chance to begin. If you don’t want to be part of that, I won’t keep pushing it, but I don’t agree with you, and I think you’re using it as an excuse to hide away because matters of the heart are scary.”
I inhaled sharply.How the hell did she keep doing that?I suddenly felt stripped bare, because she wasn’t wrong—that was exactly what I was doing.
I didn’t know what to say, and I once again felt bewildered that a woman who had been through so much pain had the ability to love so easily and openly. To trust in the three of us.
I wanted her to trust in me. I wanted her to look to me for help. I wanted to be able to tell her how I felt—to remove that disappointment from her gaze.
Before I could respond, the doors to the corridor swung open, and three sets of guards motioned us forward. Apparently the Empress had been made aware of our arrival. Kyella’s temperament cooled, but she didn’t look away.
I finally nodded in understanding—this conversation was far from over, and she wanted me to know it.
The thing was…I didn’t want it to be over. The idea of her giving up on this, no longer pushing it, didn’t sit well with me. Which meant I needed to figure out what the hell I was going to do and how I would explain myself to the gold-eyed enigma capturing my every thought.
ChapterSeventeen
Kyella
Ican’t afford to act on my feelings.
Elijah’s words still rang in my head as we walked down the ornate hall, past six rather stoic guards—all of whom offered Elijah a gesture of respect—and towards a gorgeous gold archway. I could see into the room we were nearing and became instantaneously distracted by the scenic view through the window, the sun sparkling down onto the sea.
I probably would’ve increased my pace, eager to get a better look, if it wasn’t for Elijah and his warm, large hand sliding over my lower back again. He was barely touching me, but it was enough to elicit a strong reaction. I shivered but didn’t look up at him. I didn’t want him to stop, and I was pretty sure if I drew his attention with a look, he’d realize what he was doing.
I didn’t believe his words, for the record. I believedhebelieved that he couldn’t afford to feel, but I also thought he was using it as an excuse to keep people away—to keepmeaway. It was an emotional crutch. I was caught between wanting to prove him wrong and accepting that maybe he truly wanted to keep the wall up between us for good.
If that was the case… Well, there was nothing I could do about that. I couldn’t force Elijah to accept his feelings for me. But I also wouldn’t accept his crap excuses.
“Wow.” The air went out of me in a rush as we stepped into the colossal room, three-story-high bookcases standing proudly to either side. I couldn’t see how far they went to the left or right, but it was clear the Empress had centuries worth of information right at her fingertips in her private library.
That was both really cool and somehow intimidating. There was so much I didn’t know, and having access to her private collection was daunting. What if I accidentally messed up one of her books? I’d never live it down.
“There is an even larger one open to the public, in the center of town,” Elijah explained, almost willing me to look up at him. I kept my gaze ahead, though, as we neared the bank of windows along the back.
“A public library?” I asked curiously. I was damn positive Malakai had nothing like that, and the one library he had at the castle was unmanned and had fallen into disrepair over time. I’d tried to go there once, but my guard had used it as an excuse to corner me. After that, I never felt compelled to go there ever again.
“Education is the cornerstone to the progression of any empire,” the Empress’s commanding but warm voice rang out. My head snapped towards her, my eyebrows rising as the same bat from in the throne room fluttered along the shelves above her head. I think she said his name was Barnabus? What a curious name.
“It’s how you ensure that there are multiple leaders,” she continued, spreading her arms wide, “and not a single point of power.”
“Multiple leaders?” I asked, feeling my brows scrunch together.
She nodded, coming to stand next to me while looking over the water, Elijah oddly silent. “The Tridian Empire is expansive, and in order to best represent each area of the land, both humans and vampyres elect representatives. Those representatives aid in making large-scale decisions through a vote.”
