I wanted to be the man who could provide that security and be a safe place for her, yet I might have ruined that with a few wrong decisions and my inability to believe anyone could help me.
Fucking hell.
I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't keep acting like I was the cold, cocky little shit who only cared about himself. Not when the truth was that life felt fucking worthless without Alina in my arms.
Agony threatened to overtake me as I stood before the woman I was so in love with, trying desperately to maintain the mask of arrogant confidence that I had worn as armor for so long. It felt like a million tiny daggers were piercing my skin, and the longer I tried to maintain the facade, the deeper they cut.
With each passing moment since she'd pulled me into the tent and confessed that she loved me, I felt more and more of my integrity being stolen away. It felt as if all that remained was the shell of a man who foolishly thought he had to handle this fucked up situation alone.
I fought so hard for the bond that I knew we had, even after she was marked by Lincoln, and yet I’d lost faith that we would be able to tackle my shithole of a situation together.
I didn't deserve to call myself her mate, and I wasn't sure how she'd be able to forgive me for everything I'd said. But the fact of the matter was that I wasn't capable of doing this for a second longer. The longer I tried to keep this up, the more I lost not only her, but the version of myself that I had slowly begun to like with Alina in my life.
Letting the mask crumble away, angry tears threatened to spill over as I thought of the damage I'd done in such a short amount of time. My jaw clenched as I tried to keep the tears at bay, still fighting the stigma that I couldn't show emotion, but I quickly failed. The first drop of salty water slid down my face and lingered on my chin before it dropped to the floor.
"I never wanted to hurt you, Alina," I croaked out, the emotion pouring from my heart and up into my throat, choking me. "I'm sorry. I know that sounds like a bullshit thing to say after what I've done, but I made the decision that I thought was the only option in the heat of the moment."
The words sounded empty, even to my own ears. But what could I say to justify my actions? Nothing would ever sound good enough.
Lincoln stood with his arms crossed, his expression stony. His lips were pressed together in a firm line, and wrinkles of trepidation had settled into the corners of his mouth. His eyes were unreadable, and I knew that he wouldn't show any real emotion or sympathy, no matter what I said. It was exactly what I expected of him after our years together.
What absolutely fucking destroyed me as my gaze slid to Alina was the way her lips pressed together in a tight, emotionless line as her body became rigid. Her eyes grew distant, and a shield dropped over her features in response to my apology.
It's what I deserved, though. I'd take it without argument.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling the tightness of my throat constricting me like a coiled snake around its prey, and I found myself struggling to breathe.
I lost her.
She'd admitted her love for me, and I'd somehow thought that wasn't enough of a reason to let her in, to stop and think even for a second that I wasn’t in this alone.I was such a fool.It was so painfully obvious now that her love was worth everything.
My face felt hot and stiff, and my jaw clenched so tightly that my teeth ached, but my eyes startled open as soft fingertips brushed against my jaw.
A hesitant smile graced her face as she cupped face and whispered, "There you are. I knew you were still in there."
A few more tears of relief rolled down my cheeks as I brought my hand up to cover hers, holding it to me in case she wanted to pull it away. I ached, needing to soak in her touch for as long as I could because I wasn’t foolish enough to believe this meant that we'd ever be able to get back to where we were before. If this was the last crumb of affection she ever showed me, I was going to burn it into my memory.
The image of her was blurry behind the wetness pooling in my eyes, but I'd never be more in awe of such beauty in my life. Not just in her physical appearance, but in her ability to chase after me and want to try to help me despite the way I'd lashed out at her.
Crumbling to my knees, she quickly followed me, dropping down and grabbing both sides of my face to force me to look at her when all I wanted was to look at the ground. "Look at me, Andrei," she demanded softly. I dragged my eyes up.
Her chest rose as she took in a deep breath. Blowing it out, she leveled with me. "I'm not going to lie and say that your actions and words didn't threaten to break me, but I knew in my heart that they weren't your truth. I knew that they were sourced from fear and desperation."
Apparently, I wasn't as good at playing my role as I thought. Or maybe it was because the second Alina Van Helsing bumped into me, my entire life changed. She was the first person to make me question if I really did have to sit there and take whatever my father doled out. She was the first person who allowed me to share the man I was on the inside without feeling like I was weak for it or fear that she would exploit the softer side I hid from everyone. She was the first person to seeme.
Lincoln approached, the bottom of his dress shoes smacking against the floor and making me look up just as he reached down to put a hand on my shoulder.
I know they won’t help you or listen, but we will.
The silence stretched between the three of us as the memory of Lincoln's words echoed through my mind. He was right, there was no one on the board I trusted to be on my side—to even listen to me if I told them the truth about the man that Jeoffrey truly was. What I should have trusted in, though, was my mate.
"We all make mistakes," his deep voice rumbled out as his hazel eyes gazed down at me, softer than they ever had been when directed at me. "What matters from here is how you rectify your decisions and learn from them. That will show the kind of man you truly are."
Alina's small, surprised gasp matched exactly how I felt.
His fingers on my shoulder tightened before he tacked on, "But if you break another promise to me again, I'm breaking something of yours in return. Are we clear?"
Ahh, there he was.For some reason, I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief, feeling a lot more comfortable with this version of Lincoln that I'd come to know over the past couple years.
