Scrunching my arm beneath me and using my hand on his chest as leverage, I pushed myself to balance on my hip. As I stared into his tortured eyes, a tiny burst of happiness fluttered through my chest at the realization that I didn’t feel the need quickly to look away after a few seconds.
It spurred me on as I reached out to cup his cheek, loving the way he closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.
“Let me decide what’s overwhelming for me,” I answered softly. “Sometimes it’s easier to use the bond to convey all the things that are too difficult to talk about or too complicated to put words to. I want to understand if you’ll let me.”
As I said that to Andrei, I realized that’s exactly why I knew I was ready for the bond with Drake last night. I’d so desperately wanted to be understood by him but struggled to find the words. It was crazy how it was easier to let someone into your heart and mind than to try to find the words to convey all of the emotions out loud.
There’s no room for interpretation with your tone or word choice—just pure, unfiltered you.
Without hesitation, the block was lifted between us, and all of his thoughts and emotions poured into me in a slow, steady stream. Closing my own eyes, I sifted through each thought slowly, not wanting to miss anything.
Rage and a deep pit of longing swirled together as thoughts about his father came through first. Hatred for the man Jeoffrey was, but beneath that was a desperate aching within Andrei that would forever want his father to become someone he could go to for guidance, acceptance, and love. To be a role model that he could use to become a better man himself. Resentment boiled up amidst that, for Jeoffrey’s lessons and beatings morphing Andrei into someone he wasn’t proud of, even despite trying to rebuke the grooming.
I felt myself wishing right alongside him that Jeoffrey would suddenly show back up and repent for his sins, but my mind rejected the possibility. It wasn’t in the realm of possibility of what was possible for an outcome of this fucked situation, but I knew Andrei would never stop wishing for it.
The hard part about diving into someone’s psyche was that it was hard to separate their emotions from your own, so when his grief hit me next, it felt like I was physically hit in the chest alongside him. My eyes pinched shut tightly as all the breath was knocked from my lungs.
So much grief and…guilt.Guilt for choosing me over his mother.
“Andrei,” I whispered, feeling my face heat and my eyes prick with emotion.
I had to make an impossible choice.
His mom’s voice echoed through his mind as he pushed her words at me.I’m sorry, baby boy. I’m so sorry. You should never have to give up the one that is fated for you.
She said that to me last night when I told my father I’d fall in line to save her. I can’t help but feel that if she’s hurt, or…
Pain lanced through my heart, and I gasped. So much love poured through him as he thought of her and…me.
Or if she’s killed, it will be my fault. But another part of me hopes and prays that she would understand me choosing you after what she said. That she would understand the love I have for you makes it impossible to do anything other than be by your side, despite trying not to.
When I opened my eyes, I found him staring up at me as a thought flitted through his mind subconsciously.
Please don’t think poorly of me for not putting my mom first.
This poor man had been put in an impossible position, and, with this war waging within him, it was becoming clear to me that he still didn’t grasp what our mate bond meant.
You aren’t choosing between us, Andrei. You can love us both equally and want us both to be safe and protected. Having me in your life just means that we’re both going to do everything within our power to protect the people we love. That means I’m going to fight to protect her too.
Relief shone brightly in his eyes, and through our bond, before his voice cracked and he whispered, “I love you so fucking much that sometimes it scares me, Alina.”
My heart practically leapt into my throat at his words. The words I’d ached to hear so fucking badly last night.
At first I didn’t understand why it would scare him, but then I felt it. His fear of not being able to live up to the idea of the man he thought I deserved. The desire to consume every part of me until I was ingrained within him and there was no starting or ending between us. The way he thought he loved his mother and that she loved him before he felt the love between him and me.
You can feel that I mean it when I say loving you has changed everything in my life. You’ve taught me that love is patient, kind, and supportive. It’s doing what is best for the other person, even when it hurts you. It’s choosing that person day in and day out. It’s accepting that, while that person may not be perfect, they are perfect for you.
As he spoke, the walls I’d continued to hold up with him began to crumble, and I openly welcomed him to see my own truth within. It was messy, confusing, and complicated, but it was me.
His lips parted, and a sharp inhale came from him. I slowly peeled back my layers, one by one, and sent each toward him.
All of my own fears and desires in regard to him and this new life as a whole.
The pain and suffering of my past.
The way my heart burned for three men equally.
How I ached to have my blood oath fulfilled in hopes that it would free my heart from the shackles of the guilt I carried around.
