PROLOGUE: Mike
Ten Years Ago
Cars continued pulling up in front of the Mathews’ house, lining both sides of the tree-lined street. Mom was standing in their front yard, strength in her posture while greeting the arrivals as if she were hosting a special event. Mom took charge because Roger and Charla were grieving with the mourners inside the crowded house. That was my mother. Ridiculously positive and serene, she was an adversity warrior who was always up for these moments where she could share her resilience with others. She glanced across the street toward our house, sensing that I was watching from my upstairs bedroom window. I was.
“I can’t show up there, Mom,”I’d protested after she’d parked in our driveway after Cooper’s funeral.“There’s no way I can face his folks or all of those crying people.”
Mom’s smile was gentle before she let out a sigh.“Go inside, honey. Take your suit off. Change into something more comfortable and relax a while, then I’ll expect you to join me once you’ve had time to reset,”she’d gently advised.“Roger and Charla are like parents to you. They need you right now.”
“But, Mom,”I’d begun, my voice too high for my liking and sounding like a six year old.“Who holds a funeral on a Sunday?”I gazed through the windshield at our garage door that was eight feet away.“Sundays were Coop’s favorite day,”I sobbed.
Mom had reached for my hand and let me weep. I hadn’t cried at the church and I’m sure she knew it would only be a matter of time.“It’s okayto hurt, honey. I know how much he meant to you.”Her head tilted to the side like she was prone to do when she expected me to behave better or to make wiser choices.“Cooper would have been there for me,”she’d added, using her mom powers to remind me of how to be a good person.
Mom was right. She was always right about the things that truly mattered and this was no exception. If I had been the one who died, Cooper wouldn’t have left my mother’s side until she’d have to force him out.
Cooper was dead.
Mom re-focused her attention on our house from the Matthews’ yard as she tilted her head with a hand on her hip, her rare impatience with me glaringly on display. Even from that distance I received the message:Get over here now.I was stuck to the floor like someone had nailed my shiny church shoes to the hardwood. The shock of what happened was still fresh and my mind wandered to the what-ifs constantly.What if I’d been there? What if I’d saved him? What if? What if? What if?Cooper’s lifeless body, unmoving beautiful face, and shaggy but stylish blond hair haunted my mind. He’d looked exactly the same in the casket as he would have at a formal dance at school.
We wore the same suit at his funeral. But I was still standing, while he was flat on his back in a bronze-colored eternity bed. We’d been born on the same day, lived on the same street in the same town, so of course we had the exact same suits. We’d purchased them on the same day at the same time, but the only difference was that I was three inches taller than Cooper. The height was the only thing we didn’t have in common. Well, that and he was gay.
Cammie Swenson stepped from her dad’s car that she’d driven from the church. I wondered how she could show her face at the funeral and now at Cooper’s house after all the rumors about what she’d done. She stopped on her way into the house and hugged my mother, a betrayal of my heart when Mom held her closely. That was pure Mom on display though.Love them all, all of the time,was her mantra.
“She killed him,” I muttered. “She fucking egged him on and he drowned while attempting to swim across the lake,” I added, a bit louder this time,pissed that Mom hadn’t slapped the shit outta Cammie for me.
I hadn’t been at the lake that day because I had to work at the grocery store. Cooper, my girlfriend, Jennifer, and a group of our friends had gone to Campbell Lake. Cooper wasn’t a strong swimmer even though I’d given him tips on relaxing if he ever found himself in distress. I’d even warned him about undertow dangers when our families went to Hawaii together three years ago before Dad died.
I’m a strong swimmer and could have rescued Cooper had I been there.If I’d only been there.Cooper needed me and I hadn’t been there that day. I knew I’d let him down and I was convinced everyone else felt the same way. I could see the disappointment on their faces.“Where were you, Mike? Your job was to protect Cooper. You let us all down, Mike.”
I backed away from the window after another stern look from Mom and sat on the edge of the bed staring into space.What should I do now?How could I go on without my best friend, my other half, my sidekick? Everyone knew who Cooper and Mike were to each other. We’d been connected at the hip from when we were born on the exact day, me one hour before him. Our newborn cribs were side by side as our Dads looked through the nursery window at the hospital. Our moms even shared a maternity ward room. Weren’t we supposed to share death too?
My hand came between my knees and slid under the mattress, searching for the piece of paper. Panic set in when I couldn’t feel the letter I’d hidden there six days ago. Quickly jumping off the bed, I lifted the mattress and found the folded paper shoved further back than I’d expected. Cooper had left the note on my desk the day he died, sticking out from under my laptop so I wouldn’t miss it. Like most of the days of the week, he’d slept over last Sunday night but left to get ready for the lake trip Monday morning before I woke up. I opened the note and felt a stab to my heart when I recognized his neat handwriting with every letter of each word printed as a capital letter.
MIKE,
I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T MEAN IT LAST NIGHT, BUT IWISHED YOU DID FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME. FINALLY KISSING YOU AND BEING HELD BY YOU WAS EVERYTHING TO ME.
DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU? I WON’T LET OUR FRIENDSHIP SUFFER IF YOU DIDN’T MEAN WHAT YOU SAID. I KNOW YOU LOVE JENNIFER SO DON’T STRESS ABOUT STUFF IF YOU CAN’T LOVE ME LIKE I WANT YOU TO. I’LL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
AND OF COURSE MY DREAM CAME TRUE ON A SUNDAY. YOU KNOW HOW I AM ABOUT MY SUNDAYS, AND NOWEVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY.
C.
He’d underlined his favorite mantra. Cooper was endlessly optimistic and I was sure that was why he and Mom clicked. I had kissed him but never got the chance to give Cooper an answer. His note held his final words for me. Every Sunday from that day on was awful with one heartbreak after another. Fifty two times a year. What I wouldn’t give for just one more Sunday with him.
CHAPTER ONE: Mike
Present Day
“What now?” Jennifer asked, placing a hand on her hip and fixing her glare on me.
“Nothing,” I whispered, disconnecting the call with my mother and stepping around her when I headed for the fridge.
She grabbed my arm before I could reach the place that offered the only comfort I could find these days. “Quit drowning your shit with beer,” she stated, trying to yank me away from the fridge. “You’re numb, Mike, and I’m tired of it.”
“Yep, you’re right. I am numb. Thanks for noticing, Jen.” I shook her off and opened the door for another bottle. She was right, I was practically catatonic. I untwisted the cap and tossed the small disc toward the trash can in the kitchen corner, but I missed so I shrugged it off. Sitting at the kitchen island I placed my hands over my face and exhaled slowly. I couldn’t catch my breath or a break these days.
“She’s trying to get you to move home. Can’t you understand that?” she asked.
