“Is this about Mike Hill or Michael Hastings, honey?”
My mother knew exactly how I felt about Mikey Hill. She’d witnessed a million tears over the years. “I just wish . . .” My voice broke and I stopped speaking before I added another gallon to the tear well.
“I know what you wish for, Cooper. But I also know that Mike loves you more than anyone could love you. Maybe more than me and your father do if that is possible. Wouldn’t you agree?” She grabbed my hand and leaned into me. “You know he does.”
“Just not the way I want him to,” I replied, deciding to keep what happened that afternoon to myself.
“I suspect that you know he’ll never feel that particular way, but in some ways what you have is better, honey.”
“Do you think people can change?” I asked. “Maybe they wake up one day and decide they see you like you see them?”
“Maybe,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “But I don’t want you setting your heart on something that is kind of unlikely, honey. Mike is such a wonderful young man and you share a very unique closeness with him. I recommend you count that as a wonderful gift.”
“So you don’t think he could decide he’s gay one day?”
I saw the heartbreak on her face. She didn’t want to deliver bad news or destroy her only child’s dream, but she also didn’t want me to waste my life waiting for an improbability. “Not usually. I guess it’s not impossible, honey, but it is unlikely.”
“You’re probably right,” I said.
“If it helps, you have Mike as your best friend and I think that’s a lifetime thing you can always count on.”
I bit the inside of my mouth and stared at the clock on the wall. Mikey hadn’t texted or called the night before and that wasn’t like him. “Yeah,” I whispered. “He is that.”
“And your father and I love you very much, so you have us too,” she said. “And of course you have Kathleen.”
“I guess I’ll need some money then,” I said.
“So, you’re going to go to prom?”
“I think it’s the right thing to do.”
“I think so too, honey.” She hugged me and kissed my head a couple of times. “I’ll sneak some cash into your sock drawer, okay?”
“Thanks,” I said. “And, Mother?”
She smiled and waited for me to speak.
“I still wish things were different with Mikey and me.”
“I know you do.”
I made my way upstairs to get ready for school. She was probably right. I figured gay people must always know they’re gay early in life because I had. As much as I wished Mikey loved me that way, I’d rather we remain best friends than lose him. After all I’d been through with longing for him my whole life, finding out later that he wasn’t gay would probably kill me. Besides, Hastings was handsome and he’d asked me to prom. That was something, wasn’t it?
I went to my closet and dug my journal out from under a Nike shoe box where I kept it hidden. Walking back to my desk, I turned to last night’s entry.
Mikey kissed me today. A real kiss. Tongue and everything. Not like our joke kisses or goodbye smacks on the lips like we’ve done forever. He says he loves melike I love him.I hope I didn’t imagine this.No, I believe him.
He said he was finally giving in to me.Liar. I should have known it wasn’t for real.Maybe he’s confused because I have a date with Hastings. I bet that’s it.
He did kiss me though and the kiss was magical. Way better than any I’ve imagined. He’s acting weird though. Something isn’t right with him. Maybe that’s why he told me he wanted to be with me like boyfriends.This can’t be real.Yes, it can.
“No, it can’t,” I muttered, slamming the journal shut, just in time to see Jennifer pull in front of his house and honk. Mikey and I didn’t have cars so Jen usually picked us up. Mikey hadn’t texted so I didn’t bother to text Jen for a ride to school. She wouldn’t know we’d had a disagreement the night before so I kept quiet about a ride.
I waited, watching his front door and wondering if he’d look up to my window when he came out of his house. A minute went by. I looked at his bedroom window but he’d closed the wooden shutters, something he never did. Another minute went by and nothing. Jen honked again, this time annoyingly longer than the first. Her royal highness did not like being kept waiting. She had a school to rule over, another title to win, and votes were happening for prom queen.
Mrs. H. opened the front door and motioned for Jen to roll her car window down. I saw her mouth moving but couldn’t hear what she said. A moment later Jennifer pulled away without Mikey. Was he sick? Was he avoiding me after his big news yesterday because he couldn’t face me? I bet he’d changed his mind when reality set in.
I’d always dreaded that if things didn’t work out if we crossed a line, that it would be bad. I would be embarrassed for going there. Mikey would be ashamed. We both would be weirded out and try to act like nothing happened. We would avoid each other as time went by and our friendship would eventually end. How could it not? He would be humiliated by participating in a gay act and we’d stop talking. I’d be psychologically destroyed.
