“About?” I inquired.
“You. Us,” he began. “Yeah, maybe more about us, I guess.”
We stood two feet apart yet the distance felt like miles. “You were?”
“Mmmm-hmm,” he mumbled, fidgeting uncomfortably. “I’m sorry, Coop.” Mikey’s eyes filled and he hiccuped.
“I’m not mad anymore, Mikey. I know you were just confused about what you said and all.”
“You do?” he asked. “Not my finest hour, huh?”
“Or mine,” I agreed.
“You want to talk about it?” he asked, looking toward the market, checking to see if his boss was watching. “We can if you want to.”
“How about we don’t,” I said, smiling and hoping we could go back to us. “I’m okay if you are.”
“Sure. Yeah. That’d be okay too.”
“Okay. Good then,” I said, wishing my mother would hurry up and save me from this agonizing moment. “See you at school tomorrow?”
He appeared saddened by my question. “I could come over tonight after work. I’m off at eight,” he quickly suggested.
“That’s okay,” I answered.
“Or you could come over to my house if you prefer?” he asked. “I bet Mom would like to see you,” he added.
“Maybe another night?”
“Sure. Yeah, another night, buddy,” he agreed. And just like that, we were back to buddies.
Neither of us moved. I was just trying not to run into his arms and cry. He seemed sad. Mikey looked away and wiped at his eyes. The movement caused a release from mine and my throat clenched shut like it was prone to do when I couldn’t express my emotions.
“Okay then,” I whispered. I turned back to Mom’s car.
“Cooper?”
I quickly turned back.
“I . . . I . . .” He couldn’t finish.
I nodded slowly after he got bogged down with whatever he wanted to say and turned back to the car before he saw my tears. I opened the door but waited to see if he finished his thought. He couldn’t so I got in and closed the door. I didn’t dare look at him as he lingered for a moment near the car. He finally walked away.
The degree of pain I felt was beyond words. I was literally ripped open, exposed, and left completely alone. A lifetime of love and friendship yanked out from under me because I’d believed he wanted me the way I wanted him. At the first sign of interest, I’d jumped at the chance without asking more questions, subsequently losing the only thing that mattered to me, him.
Tomorrow was a new day. I hoped we’d find our way back to our friendship.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO: Mike
It was ironic how I’d describe my current state of being. When I was arealteenager, I would go through short periods of time where I wanted little interaction with others. My isolation wasn’t often and I rarely excluded Coop. I can’t remember exactly why, but at the time I was questioning my place in the world. I had hair on my balls and jerked off three times a day. All that frustrated release didn’t solve the unknown desire I felt inside. My life was confusing.
Mom would call me Mopey. She’d announce to Dad,“Hey, Mopey’s back”or“Mike is moping around again. Hope this time it’s a shorter visit from Mr. Mopey.”
Being thirteen and fourteen, I’d roll my eyes and say something dumb in response, but now that I’ve recognized I’m feeling exactly the same way as I did back then, I had to laugh about it. I suppose if I were really seventeen I wouldn’t care, but acting mopey in my early teens hadn’t been successful, and this time wouldn’t be either. I had to come up with a better solution to my predicament.
The parking lot interaction hadn’t gone well. I’d tried to sayI’m sorrya second time, while taking Mom’s advice and adding that I loved him, but my throat shut down. I’d hit a roadblock on how to overcome my stupidity at being too forceful and too abrupt regarding my change of sexuality. And it sure as hell hadn’t helped that I said Ifinallygave into him. Perhaps if I hadn’t said those words, none of our current problems would’ve happened. I might have had more time to ease us into the change.
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