The previous night had been a roller coaster of concerns. I was haunted by decisions I needed to make, regrets, and genuine fear. The advice delivered by Druzella had helped me make a decision about my current situation. I decided that I could no longer sit back and try to blend in or act like I was an actual teenager. I had choices to make and they needed to be made quickly. Of course, Coop wouldn’t believe me, but I didn’t have to convince him that I was a visitor here. There were some secrets I knew I could never reveal and Druzella had confirmed that.
“Do what you came to do and then stop tinkering; or better yet, leave,”she’d insisted.“Don’t fuck around.”
I didn’t know how to leave or if I was even able to. What I could do was convince Coop that I loved him, wanted to be with him, and wanted to begin a life with him right here, right now. I’d figure the other parts out later. I was there to do one thing, save his life. Let the universe work out the rest after August 30th.
Coop stood and came to my side, sittingbeside me on his bed. Even though we were in the same room the silence spoke volumes. He slid his hand into mine and squeezed. The kind gesture released my tears and I sobbed into my hands, while he rubbed my back gently without asking questions, just being there.
After several minutes ticked by with neither of us sure what came next, he said, “That didn’t look good from up here. I’m sorry if you two are fighting.”
There were several things I wanted to say but no sounds came out when I tried speaking.
Coop sensed I needed time. “That was a crazy car parked at your house last night,” he offered, trying to find a path to dialogue. “A purple VW bug with yellow daisies?” he asked sarcastically. “Doesn’t work in my opinion, but then again, I don’t even have a car.”
“Because our folks are conspiring,” I whispered, testing my voice.
“You knew?” he asked, laughing at the badly kept secret.
“I figured as much,” I said, turning toward him and feeling the rush his beautiful face and shaggy, unkempt, morning hair had on my heart. I’d probably seen him like this a million times in our short lives, but today I was observing with fresh eyes. “Mom says we can’t afford it so I guessed that your folks don’t want you havin’ something I don’t have.”
“I wouldn’t want that either.”
I sat up and faced him. A couple of small tears squeezed out of my eyes despite my best effort. He repositioned himself, removing his hand from mine and stared into my eyes as we danced around the questions I assumed we both had. I knew Coop still loved me. He had to in my opinion. His love was the one thing I’d be counting on from now on.
“We broke up,” I said. “I’m not being fair to Jen.”
“I’d wondered,” he replied. “I saw the box of stuff and the broken frames.” His hands were in a wrestling match with one another in his lap. “Why?” he whispered, diverting his eyes. Maybe he was afraid of the answer, the consequences of my action.
“She deserves better than a lie,” I began. “I don’t love her the way I should and leading her on is a shitty thing to do.”
“I take it that something’s changed?” he asked.
“You could say that,” I agreed. “Mostly, I’ve changed. I tried to tell you that the other day but kinda screwed up.”
“And I reacted badly, Mikey. I wasn’t thinking clearly,” he said. “The kiss, your news . . . well, that was a lot to process.”
“How about now, Coop? What’s going through your head now?”
“Did you break up with Jen because of me?” he asked.
He’d asked a good question. One I should be careful answering. “Yes and no. Yes because I know how I feel about you and like I said, having those feelings for you wasn’t fair to Jen,” I stated. “And no, because even if you don’t want to give me a shot, I’m still going to be gay. That won’t change, but I really want you to give me a chance, Coop. I’ve set my heart on it.”
“I think you know my answer to that.”
“Yeah?”
I leaned closer and placed my lips on his, but held still so he could make the decision to kiss me. The kiss wouldn’t be confused with our usual smack on the lips because I was very much aware of my feelings. In the past, perhaps he was testing me to see what a silly kiss meant to me or he just went along because that was the nature of our friendship, while I wondered what was appropriate for two guys to share. No, this time he’d know this was different.
Coop held my hand and allowed me to linger on his lips, delicately moving his lips across mine like butterflies dancing on a bloom. We didn’t rush or even open our mouths, but we connected.
I pulled back a little. Our noses were still close and we kept our eyes locked, neither one sure of what came next. “I love you,” I said. “I think I always have,” I added.
He didn’t speak. I think he wanted to hear what I had to say. He needed to know he was safe with me and could trust my words as well. He brought his hand up to my bare chest and covered my heart. A shiver coursed through me when he let out a held breath. I moved forward, connecting in the only way either of us knew how. I, of course, could visualize other ways. I hadn’t done them, but I imagined I was likely to be light years ahead of Coop. I’d have to lead us and hopefully he’d trust my direction.
This time Coop leaned against me, opening his mouth and allowing me to truly feel his acquiescence. Our mouths gnashed together as our hunger overtook our inexperience. He suddenly lay back, pulling me onto him. He wore only boxers to mygoing commandounder gym shorts. Once our chests collided, my flesh ignited as our hands traveled over each other with passion but lost without a map of what to do or where to go.
“I . . . I . . . want to . . .” Coop whispered, our mouths fighting to fulfill a need neither of us understood how to quell.
He lifted his butt off the bed, inviting me to pull his boxers down. I did as he wanted while he struggled to pull my shorts off. Once we were both free of the barriers, our cocks crashed together and we ground into each other; sliding, pressing, and gyrating in every possible way to achieve something significant.
