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I hated lying to him, and the acts I had to put on. All the feelings were real for me; I can’t deny any of that, as much as I struggled with it. I did hate him at times, and I was devastated that he would deceive me for so long. I wanted him to just tell the truth. Many times I tried to push him to do so. I was no better than him, though. We both set out to get to each other for our own twisted reasons, and somewhere in that tangled mess, we found love. We found ourselves in each other.
Why did I leave him when I did? To punish both of us. Especially myself, for being so weak. I fell in love with Vandal way too fast. I submitted to him way too willingly. I found happiness much too soon. I didn’t deserve to start over and have a new life when Nick’s was ripped away from him. Vandal was offering me everything I always dreamed of, a life that would make me really happy and let me be myself. A life that even Nick couldn’t have given me, and I beat myself up over it. How could I let the man that took him away, give me everything?
Our love will never be pretty. It will always be tarnished by the past and we will carry those scars forever. Those ghosts will always haunt us. We are both so damaged by our pasts, by ourselves, by each other.
They say a relationship cannot last if it was built on lies, but I refuse to believe that. We crumbled and came out stronger. We came out together.
And to me, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
He is mine, and I am his.
I am his heart. He is my armor.
THE END
