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"Kat, I am so incredibly happy for you. I really like Rob. He's perfect for you." I've liked Rob since the first day I met him. He's good-looking, has a great job, is an amazing single dad to his six-year-old son he has sole custody of, and treats Kat like a queen. He's definitely one of the good guys. "I think you two are going to be really happy together. And Mark loves you as if you are his own mother."
"Yeah, I was a little worried about getting involved with a single dad and becoming an instant mom, but I really love them both. You're going to be my maid of honor, so you better get mentally prepared for it."
"Gladly. I can't wait."
"I better run. We're meeting his parents for dinner actually, and I'm still sitting here in yoga pants. Are you okay? Do you think you can smooth this out with Talon?"
"I think so. I'm going to have to admit to him I was being totally stupid."
"If he needs a reference, have him call me."
"Ha-ha. Have a great night."
"You too, babe. Text me later and let me know if everything's okay."
After I end the call with Kat, I send Talon a text message.
Me: I'm so sorry. I'm not going to see him.
About ten minutes later I receive a reply.
Talon: You can do whatever you need to do.
Me: I didn't want to see him at all, I just wanted answers. I realize now it's not important. I don't know what I was thinking.
Talon: Me neither.
Me: I don't like you being mad at me when you're gone.
Talon: Why? Afraid I might see other women like you want to see other men?
Shit. He is completely pissed off.
Me: Yes. That and because I miss you and I don't want us mad at each other. And I don't want to see other men.
Talon: It seems like you have some thinking to do. I made up my mind when I married you that I didn't want other women. Not to see, not to fuck, not to party with. I gave up all of it and I've never regretted it. Even when chicks throw themselves at me, I don't even consider it anymore. I walk away.
Me: That's totally different. He's someone I had a relationship with.
Talon: That makes it way fucking worse to me. You told me you loved him. Which BTW you've never said to me.
Oh, fuck. I can't tell him I love him now, not in the middle of this crap. He'll think I'm just saying it to appease him.
Me: That was a long time ago. I only wanted an explanation as to why he just left me. I don't have feelings for him. At all.
Silence.
Me: I only want you.
Talon: You've doubted that since our wedding day. To me it feels like maybe you still do.
Me: That's not true. And don't lay the beginning on me, both of us were confused in the beginning, but we got past it. Since then I have wanted only you in every way.
Talon: I can't do this shit in text messages. I'm getting on the bus in about twenty minutes. I think we need to take this time to think about things. I'll get in touch with you later.
Me: What does that mean?
A flood of panic and fear grips me, the impact of it nearly sucking the air from my lungs. Is he actually thinking of ending this? Just like that? Over one stupid thing I didn't even actually go through with?
You should have never even been thinking of it.
Talon: It means exactly what I said.
Me: You want to think about breaking up? Over this?
Talon: Don't push me when I'm mad and upset. I never expected this from you. I feel like you gutted me with one fucking sentence. I can't do this with doubt in my mind, or wondering if you have doubt. You've got my head and my heart all fucked up right now.
Fuck fuck fuck
Me: I hate this. Things were going so good.
Talon: No shit. I thought so too. I'm fucking wrecked.
Me: I'm sorry. Can we please just forget this?
Talon: Seriously, Asia? Would you be able to if I told you I wanted to see some chick from my past? We're MARRIED.
Me: Can you please call me before you get on the bus? I'm scared. I don't want to lose you and you're scaring me.
Talon: No. I can't do this. I have a show tonight and my brain feels like it's coming out of my skull. I need to calm down. Asher's giving me a valium for the bus ride. I'm going to sleep for a few hours.
Me: Valium? Why? You never take pills
Talon: He says I look fucked up and twitchy and I think he's right. Please let's just stop this for now. Make sure you put the security system on. I'm turning my phone off now.
Me: Please don't just leave things like this.
I don't receive a reply, and the screen doesn't indicate he read it.
My hand shakes as I continue to stare at the tiny screen, hoping the status will change to read or a reply will come through. Ten minutes later, neither of those things has happened, so he really must have turned his phone off. He never does that because he always wants to make sure I can get in touch with him. Now, with one stupid move on my part, that's changed.
I can't believe he's treating me this way, especially after I've forgiven him several times when he did stupid things. Why can't he do the same? Could he only tolerate me when I was doing everything right? One wrong move, and I'm shut out? Why is he being so unfair?
Anger attempts to take over my fear and sadness but loses. I can't be mad at him. My heart deflects that emotion when it comes to him.
I send Danny a text to at least end some of the guilt I feel.
Me: Thanks for the invite, but I'll pass. I appreciate you reaching out. Hope all is well.
I get off the couch and force myself to make what I need for my soap and lotion orders, hoping to keep my mind busy. Otherwise, I will sit here and stare at the wall and cry all day.
At dinner time, I send Talon another text.
Me: I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and I'm sorry. I'm worried that you don't feel good. :(
Five minutes later, I get a reply.
Talon: It's probably a sinus or ear infection. I get them sometimes
. Storm's got some antibiotics he gave me. I'm fine.
Me: I hate that we didn't get to say good-bye. :(
Talon: Me too
Me: Can you call me? I think we should talk.
Talon: I'm not ready to talk yet. I'm still really disappointed, hurt and pissed over this & I don't want to say things out of anger. I need to think.
Me: I wasn't going to cheat on you. Why are you being this way? You practically let some chick dry hump you in Boston and I forgave you. All I wanted to do was hear what he had to say.
Talon: I know that was wrong and I apologized. What bothers me is that you give a fuck what that asshole has to say. What if he wants you back?
Me: He doesn't.
Talon: Seriously? Why else would he get in touch? Don't be naïve.
Me: I'm not going and I just want to forget this. I'm sorry I hurt you. You know I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.
Talon: I just need to clear my head.
Every time he says that my stomach sinks. What does it mean? What is he thinking about? Why can't he let this go?
Me: I thought we said no more steps back?
Talon: We did. Telling me you want to go see your ex that you were in love with isn't exactly a step back. I feel like you pushed me off a cliff.
Me: I think you're taking it all wrong. I understand why you are, but I think you're misunderstanding the entire thing.
Talon: Please fucking stop. I can't do this anymore. Fuck. Please, my head hurts.
I start to cry reading his words on the screen. I don't understand why he's being so difficult with this. Was what I said so unforgivable? It's not like I did anything behind his back—I was totally honest and upfront with him. I shake my head and wipe at my eyes, not sure what to say that won't fuel his anger even more.
