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"No, before that. Tell me what you see and feel. I'm serious."
"It's like the room is spinning. Sometimes it's slow, sometimes it's so fast that I swear it's really moving and I can't find the floor. Then I feel dizzy. On top of that, I have this constant ringing and a swooshing sound, like an engine, in my ear. It feels like I have to yawn and pop it, like when you go up a big hill. It fuckin' sucks, man."
"I can't let you do this band thing with me until you get that under control. It's been months, and the pills you're taking aren't helping. Instead, they're turning you into an asshole, and your drive and creativity are gone."
"Thanks for pointing that all out."
"You're welcome." He jumps off the bed. "Get up, take a shower, and meet me downstairs."
"Why?"
"I have something for you. Just do it."
I sit up and blow my hair out of my face. "Fine. Wait for me down there. Make some coffee."
A half hour later, I go downstairs to the living room to see Lukas sitting with a woman I don’t recognize. She appears to be in her forties, with shoulder-length dark brown hair, wearing a pantsuit. She's pretty but not my type.
"You brought me a woman?" I say to Lukas. "Thanks, but I'm not interested, baby. The Tilt-A-Whirl is out of service."
The woman looks over at Lukas and smiles. "You were right; he's going to be difficult."
"I'm sorry, who are you?" I ask. "And why don't I smell coffee?"
"You need to stop drinking coffee," she says matter-of-factly.
"Really? Are you the coffee police?"
"Tal, she's a doctor. No more joking. Dr. Gilmore, this is my cousin, Talon. Tal, this is Dr. Gilmore. She specializes in allopathic remedies, and she's had a lot of success with people with your condition." Every time someone says that word, I want to punch them.
She holds her hand out to me. "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Valentine. I'm actually a fan of your music. I was very surprised to hear from your cousin about your illness."
"Nice to meet you, too. So you do house calls?"
"Not normally, but Lukas told me you might be a little bit difficult about coming to my office, so we decided I would come to you. I don't mean to ambush you, and if you're uncomfortable with my being here, then I will leave. I do think I can help you, though."
I lean against the wall and cross my arms. "Do I have to get another head X-ray?"
"No, you do not. The remedies we will likely use are noninvasive. I do recommend acupuncture, though."
"So that's like a tattoo without the picture?"
Lukas starts to laugh. "That is the most epic description of acupuncture ever."
"I'm going to have to agree," Dr. Gilmore says. "If we could sit down together, I'll need a few hours of your time."
I shrug, thinking I have nothing to lose here except for a few hours I would have spent in bed. I've wasted time on much stupider things. "Okay, have at me."
Dr. Gilmore wasn't lying when she said she would need a few hours. Three hours later and she's finally done, packing up her notes and tote bag.
"I'm going to have a few items delivered here to your home. I need you to call me when they arrive so I can give you detailed instructions. You have to remember that you must follow the diet, exercise, and remedy protocol to see results. Most of this is in your hands."
I nod and open the front door for her. "Understood. Thanks for coming. It's much appreciated, and I'm willing to give it a try. I'm a little sick of falling on my head and not being able to think straight."
When she's gone, I turn to Lukas before he leaves. "You could have warned me, dude."
"You would have said no. I really think she can help you, without using all those crazy pills. I’m convinced that’s what’s making you worse."
I push my hair out of my face and absently finger the wedding rings around my neck. "I don’t fucking know. I guess we’ll find out. I'm all for it if she can help me."
"Then let's see what happens. And if it works, let's have a serious talk about our band and what you want to do."
* * *
Over the next few days, I receive boxes in the mail of supplements Dr. Gilmore ordered for me. She's also put me on a strict diet and has slowly weaned me off the prescription pills I was taking. Supposedly, some of these natural supplements will do the same thing, like reduce vertigo and nausea, only without the side effects. Twice a week she comes to give me acupuncture, which is actually pretty relaxing, and talked me into seeing a hypnotherapist. I've got to be honest, giving someone permission to suggest things into my brain was hard for me to do, but she finally convinced me to do it.
For the first month, I feel like pure shit while my body detoxes the meds and adjusts to the new diet and remedies she's got me on. But a little into the sixth week, I wake up feeling almost normal again. My mind feels clear. The swoosh in my ear and the pressure are greatly reduced, as are the vertigo and nausea. I start to work out every day again, and I write some new songs.
Two months into my new treatment plan, I feel ninety percent better. I still have some bad days but nothing like the hell I was experiencing before
"I feel fuckin' great," I tell Lukas. "Seriously, my brain is clear, I don't feel all fucking murderous, the symptoms are cut way back."
"That's awesome."
I puff on my new all-natural e-cig, because I still can't break the habit of sticking something in my mouth. "I wanted to thank you. If you hadn't found her, I'd still be a mess."
He hesitates before answering. "I gotta tell you the truth, Tal. It wasn't me. Asia found her and went over your case with her, had all your records sent over. She called me up and told me what she was doing, and I agreed to set up the meeting. It was all her, though."
I fall onto the couch, completely surprised. "She did this for me?"
"Yup. She didn't want you to know, but I kinda thought you should. She still cares about you."
My chest clenches and I do my best to ignore it. "That was really nice of her." I blow out a breath. "Maybe you could tell her that it's working."
"Or you could pull your head out of your ass and tell her yourself."
"I don't think I'm ready for that. And I don’t think she’d talk to me anyway."
I switch the conversation away from Asia. "I think I'm ready to leave A & E, though. If you still want to try what we talked about."
"Hell yeah, I do. I'm psyched for it. Come down tomorrow around noon and let's sit down and make a plan."
I haven't felt positive about anything in a long time, but I feel good about this. I think it's time for me to chase my own dreams and stop living the dreams my family picked for me. Last I talked to Asher, he pretty much knew my time in the band was over. And even though now I feel better, I know I can't deal with the crazy loud concerts and all the time required traveling on buses and planes. It's just not going to work for me anymore.
I send a text to Asher.
Me: Can I come by next week to talk?
Asher: Anytime. I have something for you, but I think you should have it now.
Me: Okay, what is it? Should I come over now?
Asher: No. Sending you a pic
I wait as the picture he sent starts to load on my screen. At first, I'm not sure what I'm looking at, but then my blood chills when it all becomes visible. And painfully clear.
This process has taught me so much about myself. I've learned so much about what I want, what I need, and what makes me happy. Given the choice, I never would have married him. He's broken my heart a thousand times. I hate what's happened to him and how it's changed him. Things were so good for a while, and then it changed.
And of all times for D to come back into my life. I've ignored his texts for weeks, but he just won't let up. I can't tell Talon. He will never understand. I don't even understand. I feel like I can't move forward and I can't go back until I get the answers I need. I'm stuck.
Although the past six months have been hard, I don't regret one moment of it. I love Talon more than I ever thought possible. Given the choice, I would have passed right by him and never would have known what an amazing person he is, how passionate he is, how funny he can be, or what real love feels like. I would have missed out on my best friend—and the best husband for me.
Somehow, this experiment worked. You found me my soul mate. Yes, it's been hard. I've cried a lot of tears. I've thrown a lot of tantrums. But he is so worth it. I'm sure I was no walk in the park for him either, and I hope he has grown to love me half as much as I love him. I cannot picture my life without him. My focus now is making him happy and finding ways to help him cope with his illness so he can enjoy his life and his career as much as he possibly can. I know we can get through this together and come out stronger. He's my everything, and I'll be here for him, every step of the way, no matter what. Thank you so much for bringing us together. I'm happy to say, I love my husband.
