His words hit me like a warm balm. Something to soothe and ease the pain. I wasn’t going through it alone. I wasn’t the only one suffering, spending night after night crying in my bed. He was going through the same heartbreak I was. And I know it’s now or never.
“I was.”
His face turns soft with concern and confusion. “Was what?”
I swallow the ball lodged in my throat. “I was pregnant.”
I see it the moment my words hit Everett like a wrecking ball. I see it in the way his face falls slack and his eyes grow blank. Even his breaths that were coming in and out of him at a steady pace start to become choppy and ragged.
“What?” he whispers.
“Ye-yeah,” I start to explain. “I don’t know if the first test was faulty or maybe my body wasn’t ready to test positive yet. At least that’s what the doctor said. And um…James was home for a long weekend, and I started getting really sick. My parents were out of town. They went to Florida to see my Aunt Annabelle. That really eccentric one with the red hair and tattoos. She had all those parakeets in her living room. She was throwing a party for an anniversary or a birthd—anyway,” I say, interrupting my rambling. “That’s not important.
“James got really worried when I kept saying I felt dizzy and weak. And he said I looked so pale. He took me to the emergency room and um, yeah. He was there when they told me.”
His body slumps to the floor, on his knees like his weight gave out from underneath him. “Wh-what,” Everett stutters. “Where…”
“I didn’t—I took care of it.” I say the words boldly, my heart pounding in my chest. “James—he took me in, made sure everything went okay. Luckily, I didn’t need my parents to consent for it. I guess that was a plus.
“I tried to wait until I told you first. I went to your house, but you weren’t there. I wanted to call you, but I thought it wasn’t the kind of thing you say over the phone, so I waited and waited. After a few weeks, I saw a For Sale sign go up in your front yard.
“You never came back, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t have a baby all on my own.” I feel…ashamed and chastened and even guilty. The same way I felt when I told Leo after he’d pressed on why James told him that my ex-boyfriend was a “sack of shit.” But Everett doesn’t look at me the way Leo did, eyes sifting through the dozens of responses to make sure he doesn’t sound judgmental or pious. Everett looks at me as if his entire world is falling apart.
“No, no,” he starts to mutter. “No. That can’t—” His chest starts to heave, his back and shoulders moving up and down to help him move the air in and out of his lungs. His fingers grip his temples, and he lowers his head toward his own lap. His hands shake violently as he curls into himself like he’s taking shelter. Those pants begin to sound desperate, and it starts to scare me.
“Everett,” I say, landing on the floor on my knees right in front of him. “Everett, what’s wrong?” I put my hands on his arms, and the trembling skates along his skin, making his entire body rattle.
His breathing doesn’t calm, and his eyes look frantic as he searches the ground below him. I shake his shoulders, trying to get his attention, but his entire body is locked. It’s like he’s in his own little bubble of panic, and I can’t seem to get him out.
“Everett,” I say his name again firmly. “Look at me.”
He doesn’t look at me. Almost as if he’s still bouncing around in that bubble, and I need to catch him so I can finally bring him back down. But I don’t know how. I used to. At one point in my life, I knew how to ground him. How to make him realize that he just needed to put one foot in front of the other and walk through life while holding my hand, but I haven’t been that person in a really long time. I don’t know how to be that person again. And the realization that I’m no longer that person, and that quite possibly he doesn’t have anyone to ground him like I used to, makes the same panic in Everett’s eyes spread through my own body.
“Everett!” I shout. I grip his face and urge him to look at me, desperately calling his name and forcing his eyes on me. “Please! It’s me. I’m here. Please, just look at me!”
I see a small nod bring him back to me. His eyes finally focus on mine, and something in him clicks. I’m here. I’m here to bring him back down. To ground him to something solid instead of feeling like he’s drifting away.
“Baby,” he cries softly. “No, no, no…”
“I’m here,” I whisper, making sure to keep my eyes on his. I pull him close to me, cradling his head against my shoulder and letting his breathing even out. His hands start to move, first hesitantly, and then with more assurance. But it’s still cautious in the way he makes sure I’m okay with it before getting closer. He starts at my hips, his fingertips moving over me like he’s making sure I’m here, and then they wrap around my back. He encircles his arms around me like he’s holding onto me for dear life. And then it becomes desperate. He grasps for me, his fingers clawing at my shirt like he’s trying to catch me, but I keep slipping through his fingers. And when his hands finally find their place, like an anchor being dragged across the bottom of the ocean only for it to finally find purchase on a rock or some other solid part of the earth, he calms. I feel his body sag against mine, and his breaths start to even out.
“It’s okay,” I whisper against his temple.
“Teeny…”
“I’m okay now.” I sound sad and scared and completely unsure, but it doesn’t matter how I feel. I need Everett to know that I’m okay. He needs to know that I’m okay. I couldn’t live with him living like this. Worried about me when he should be searching for his own footing so he could finally find a place to land.
He pulls away and looks at me. “I’m so sorry.”
My throat tightens at the sound of his voice. “It’s okay, Everett,” I tell him as I start to cry. “I’m okay now.”
“I’m so sorry.” He grips my face in his hands. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”
I force a smile, though it’s wobbly and faint. “It’s okay,” I repeat through a shaky voice. “It’s okay.”
“I’m so sorry,” he says again. “I should’ve been there.”
“It’s okay.”
