He cuts me off with a glare. “Oh, I know you’renot, Cam, but you did, and I’m wondering why.” My mouth won’t make words. It won’t say it. It was a mistake. A huge mistake. So say that. Say it right now! “Right.” He slides the butter back to me. “Keep your sympathy butter. I don’t want it.”
“Bowen, you need to eat before work.”
Ignoring me, he slides off the bar stool and storms to his room. Dammit. I finish the parfait I made earlier and give him a moment. He’s eating, though, before he works. I have the spoon halfway to my lips when he storms back in. “You know what, no!” His red lips are bunched, his nostrils flaring. Oh, we are pissed. “You will tell me right now, Camden Olivia Almeida, that it was a mistake. To my face. Tell me you were drunk. Tell me you didn’t mean it. But tell me to my face. Right now.”
“Bobo.” I hate this. I knew today was gonna suck. I’m going to the gym when he goes to work, to clear my head. I don’t know what to say now. Guys do nothing for me. Even now I can’t conjure any guy who could compare to what I felt last night. So it has to be because I’m just comfortable with him. We’re comfortable, maybe too comfortable. I was sad. Bo is adorable,and I love him, and my White-Claw-soaked brain just didn’t know the difference.
We’ll just put aside the fact that it may or may not have been one of the best, if notthebest, kisses I’ve ever felt. I’ve kissed him a thousand times before—cheek kisses, forehead, nose, head kisses—it’s not even the first time I’ve kissed him on the lips, but nothing has ever felt like that.
We’ve never had kisses with fire.
I look at him now, really look at him, and try so hard not to see all the things I feel. His soft red lips that I know are so pliant against mine. His messy black hair that I’m almost certain I had my fingers in while he kissed me, no glasses on, just beautiful big brown eyes drunk with lust. I love it when he sleeps against me. I love to cuddle, but when it’s Bo . . . that’s my favorite. My own little slice of heaven on earth.
Shit is just different when we’re together.
It’s normal. It’s fine. This is how friends are, that’s all it is. Bo is my favorite person, so of course I feel like this. My breath catches as I try to force myself to tell him it was nothing. I need a distraction, that’s all. The lines were blurred and that’s on me. I just need to straighten them out . . . no pun intended. “I just need to clear my head, Bo.”
“Last night wasn’t clear for you?” His cheeks puff a little.
“I took advantage of you last night. We were both drinking and I—”
“Excuse me?” His eyes widen comically into saucers behind his glasses. “Don’t you dare.” His slender fingers ball into fists. “That’s an excuse, Cam. That’s bullshit. If you didn’t like it, or you made a mistake, fine. But don’t you dare tell me you took advantage of me last night. If you want to go fuck someone else, don’t act like you’re doing me a service.”
“Bobo, wait—”
“It takes two, Cam. It took two. We weren’t even tipsy then. Knock it off.”
I come around the island, my legs eating up the distance in three strides before I grab his hands in mine. Yanking them out of my grip, Bo shakes his head. “Listen to me,” I beg, but instead he looks away. He’s slowly shutting down and it’s all my fault. I cry when I’m upset, but Bo, he turns to diamond. Unbreakable. Stubborn. “I love you more than anything. You know that. You’re my favorite person. Last night, after all the bullshit yesterday, I wasn’t in a good place.” I think I see his chin quiver just a touch. This right here. This. I’m already fucking up. “I’m so sorry, okay?”
“I need to get to work.” He looks back up at me, emotion wiped clean from his face.
“Bowen—”
“Get limes and coconut milk today. I want to make that limeade drink you make later.” He thinks a minute. “Some kind of chocolate with peanut butter too, please,” he says simply.
“Bowen. Please, wait, I just—”
His dark eyes harden on me. “It’s fine, Cam. I’ll say it for you. It was just a mistake.”
When I get back to the apartment I set the groceries down. I’d gone to the gym and worked out for a few hours. Sundays are really quiet, with most of our staff not there on the weekends, which was great because it meant I could just think. The quiet didn’t settle my thoughts like I’d hoped, though, so I went to the store and maybe went a bit overboard, but I’m stressed out. When I’m stressed I bake, and eat my worry away. Food fixes everything.
Or I really hope it will.
I’m just sad, and when I’m sad I get hungry.
I plan to make buffalo chicken flatbread pizza with a cauliflower crust for Bo tonight because it’s one of his favorites, and I’ll be groveling on my damn hands and knees if I need to. The hurt in his eyes has followed me all day. What’s worse is the lie my mind has convinced me to tell.
It was a mistake, dammit! I didn’t mean to, it just happened.
Hello stomach swoosh, calling me a liar. Stop it! It was a mistake and can never ever happen again. I’ll apologize until I’m fuckin’ blue. I refuse to hurt him over something as stupid as a damn kiss.
An amazing, toe-curling, stomach-scorching kiss.
“If you don’t stop these thoughts, I will slap you,” I say out loud to my dick, heart, or brain. Probably all three. I don’t know. Someone better be listening!
The other thoughts, though, the ones I’ve refused to look at fully have been loud as well. Bo came out to me in high school. I did not care; who he loved was irrelevant to me. But the thing that’s bothering me now is . . . did it mean something more to him last night? No, right? Not once has he ever hinted at having feelings for me, and why the hell would he? He’s seen me at my absolute lowest. He knows what a dork I am, what a mess my life can be. There’s no way he’d find me attractive, let alone like methatway. He tells me everything. In fact, I’m always the one to initiate contact. I just love to touch. My love language is physical affection, he knows that.
From the outside, people may assume we’re more, but the kisses, cuddles, and hugs are what make usus. So no. No, Bo doesn’t have feelings for me. He was just horny too, like I was. I need to shake this off. All of this is snowballing inside me and swelling. I need release.
