“Yes,” I laugh. “What are you thinking about doing? You can tell me.” Even if it involves a gorgeous woman with beautiful soft skin and silky hair.
Cam’s gaze drops to the floor. “I think . . . I think I’m going to try and hook up with a guy.”
Um . . .
What?
My heart wrenches. That’s, that’s not . . . I wasn’t expecting that. Like at all. “I just want to try,” he continues. “Experiment a little.”
“Damn.” I try to laugh it off, but it falls flat. “One kiss from me and now we’re switching lanes.” Is it hot in here? It seems a bit stifling. My fingers bunch in the fabric of my sleep pants. I can’t breathe. I need to be a friend. Come on. Get your shit together! Be a friend!
How can I be a friend when mine is breaking my heart.
I’m so selfish. This is big, and Cam is probably scared. He needs a friend right now. “I’m just trying to figure some stuff out. I don’t want to date anyone right now. I just want to see, maybe answer some of the questions in my head.”
“What questions?”
His fingers fidget in his lap. “The thing is, I really liked kissing you, and maybe it’s because we’re so close, but like . . . what if I am attracted to guys? No hurt in trying. That’s what it’s all about, right? Trying new things. Finding the ones that work and the ones that don’t.”
I almost tell him to experiment with me, but that would be wrong on so many levels. Cam made it clear we have a line we can’t cross, and it would be unfair with the feelings I have. It wouldn’t be an experiment for me. It would be me trying to live out the dream I’ve had in my head. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that.”
“I know.” He smiles at me. It’s brilliant and boyish. “I think I’m going to go out and meet up with someone. We’ve been messaging for a few days now.”
“Can I come? I want to find someone too.”
Cam’s quiet for a moment, his brows pulling together. “Really?”
Irritation prickles at the rough edges of my heart. I want this for him. I’m also amazing at lying to myself. “Yes, really. Why is that so hard to believe?”
“I just never see you with anyone.”
“I deserve for someone to sex me too, Cam.”
His lips wobble. “Don’t ever say that again.” He laughs, and so do I, even if I’m breaking apart.
I need this. My heart needs to get the hint. Seeing Cam with someone else will help as much as it’ll hurt. “Give me a bit, I need to get ready. Like an hour.”
“An hour? Why do you need an hour?”
“Camden Lianna Almeida, I am not explaining prep to you. Maybe your date can.” The words come out harsher than I mean them to, so I soften what I say next. “There are things I need to do to prepare, so just give me an hour.” His throat works in a swallow. “Where are we going?”
“The bar on Siver.” Holy shit, I’m going to do this. I am actually going to do this, or someone, or let someone do me. Ah, okay, this is . . . calm down. “You alright?” He reaches into his pocket and hands me my inhaler. I wave him away.
“I’m fine, just nervous. It’s been a while since my pants have entertained company.” And bya whileI mean never, because I have literally never had anyone else see me naked. I’ve only given head or sloppy hand jobs, and the guys I’ve been with were more than fine being on the receiving end. Every time it almost got to more, I froze. I don’t know. Sex is complicated. My nerves are starting to choke me. I should probably take medicine before I leave, just in case. The last thing I need is to have an asthma attack while I’m being topped.
“Well, I just need to get some jeans on,” he says softly. “Go get your cute butt sex-ready then,” he laughs.
“Don’t ever say that again.” He only laughs harder.
I am going to do this. I’m going to find a guy and let him fuck me. It’s going to be great. I’m going to get Cam out of my head. It won’t happen overnight but it’s a start.
I can do this.
Chapter 7
Bo
Fuckme,Icannotdo this.
