“We can agree on any color but orange and yellow. And if I wanted to be a diva, I’d ask for Perrier.”
“Not Dom Perignon?”
She grinned. “Maybe when I’m the headliner.”
Once we were done eating and cleaning up, we went to the porch.
She sat on the rocking chair and I took the Adirondack. Her guitar stayed inside. I wanted to hear her new stuff, but I’d wait like the rest of the population. She’d always been private with her music until she wasn’t. Then the more ears the better.
I stretched my legs out. The valley spread before us, emerald green with twinkling blue water from the rain runoff earlier this week. “Are you nervous for the fundraiser?”
“No. Yes?” She crossed a leg but kept rocking the chair. “I’m anxious for a different reason.”
She had to leave right after if she was going to make her appointment in Nashville with that songwriter she admired. “Aren’t you used to that? Do a performance and then take off for the next town?”
“Yes.” A simple answer. She didn’t elaborate.
Silence settled between us while birdsong filled the air.
“You’re going to be there?” she asked. “At the fundraiser.”
I had planned to, but that was before I’d started sleeping with her each night and daydreaming about a cozy life together. “I don’t know, June.”
The rocking ceased, and a furrow formed in her brow. “You’re not coming?”
Hadn’t I been asking myself that for days? It was time to answer. “It’ll be hard for me.” Harder for her.
She dropped her gaze to the floorboards. “Oh.”
The guilt was building in her eyes, making them a darker brown. She would start second-guessing what we’d done. She might even dwell on how much she’d liked it. I hoped she had, but she couldn’t afford to romanticize it. We’d been fucking. We hadn’t been playing house. Cooking together tonight was just a way to have a date without some smartphone wielder posting about us.
“June... going cold turkey has been the best way for me.” A bitter lie on my tongue. Peeking at her profiles and listening to her songs when no one was around wasnotcold turkey. “I know we said we’re just messing around, I’m your muse, but it’s brought up a lot of feelings. I’ll have to detox.”
She winced, and yeah, I felt that. A shitty choice of words but necessary. “I see.”
“I’ll send money with the girls to donate. I’m sure Wren will bring them.” If she’d been in a bachelorette auction, I’d have sent my life’s saving with the girls.Whatever would keep June with me forever. But she was priceless.
I’d need the time to fortify myself. For when news broke that she was dating another singer. Or some fucking hockey player. She might not have a Lucy trying to set her up with assholes, but they’d flock to June. She was a beautiful songbird and they were... cocks.
More than anything, she couldn’t change her mind. It might be arrogant to think my presence would do that, but I couldn’t risk it. Guitar lessons with my girls while I said hi and bye to her were different than being in the audience where she could see me. Where she could witness all the fucking love in the world shine from my eyes. Where she might see how goddamn proud I was of her, but also that she was my world. I’d never move on. I had my kids to raise and that would be enough. I was support, not an obstacle.
She started rocking again, slowly, sadness filling her expression and breaking my goddamn heart.
“Hey.” I scooted out of my chair and dropped to my knees. I pivoted in front of her and slid my hands up her thighs. “I don’t want to be a downer. I’d love to be there.” But she couldn’t have me around. I couldn’t see the indecision on her face again, like at my dad’s funeral. She didn’t need to be in that position. “But I am glad we’ll be parting on better terms than we did before.”
She rested her hands on top of mine. “I didn’t like the thought that you hated me.”
Quite the opposite. “I’d never hate you.”
“I know that now. I see a lot more now than I did.” She stroked the back of her fingers across my cheek, rubbing them down my beard. “I’ve wished you there atall my big performances. You’re the first one I wanted to call when I got good news, and the only face I looked for in the crowd.” She ran her bottom lip through her teeth. “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“No,” I said roughly. “I wanted you out there, getting the cheers and screams that you deserve.”
She cupped my face and ran her thumb over the scar on my lip. “I missed you at the Opry.”
I buried my head in her stomach so she couldn’t see my face. I’d missed her too. I’d missed telling her how amazing she was. How proud I was of her. I’d missed being to the side of the stage and catching her in my arms like we’d talked about.
“I was so goddamn proud of you.” She’d never know the full truth. How her performance had nearly made my heart burst out of my damn chest. My fingers dug into the soft flesh of her thighs. I loosened my grip and my hand brushed the hem of her shorts. I tugged down. My heart was going to explode anyway if I didn’t release some emotion.
