“Bye, Evan,” I say, only to find he’s already left and I’m talking to my martini glass.
My empty martini glass.
But never fear, a new one filled to the brim floats in front of my face. I turn to thank the server, only to find the glass is being proffered by my best friend, May. The server is right behind her, a plate of fried pickles in one hand and a giant piece of cheesecake in the other.
He drops the goods on the table while May slides into Evan’s now empty seat. She flashes the server one of her knockout smiles and he’s only momentarily stunned, scurrying away a second later.
“Is it too soon to say how much I will not miss that guy?” May dips a pickle in ranch and hands it to me.
Mmm. Pickles and a dirty martini. I can practically feel my blood pressure rising due to the salt intake, but that doesn’t stop me from shoveling one after another into my mouth. Plus, the breading will help soak up the alcohol already sloshing around in my stomach, so really, I’m making the healthy, sensible choice.
“You’ve never exactly been shy about your feelings when it comes to Evan. No need to start now.” To be fair,I’ve never exactly been shy about my feelings when it comes to Evan either. Perfect partner the man is not—was not.
She softens her voice, reaching over and squeezing my hand. “Want to talk about it?”
I gulp down half of my drink. “I thought he was going to propose and instead he dumped me, I think that’s about all there is to say.”
“He’s lucky he left before I got here.” May inches a glass of water in my direction, but I ignore it.
“That wasn’t a coincidence.” I give her a look dripping in drunken, sappy love. “You’re terrifying when you go all mama bear.”
May flashes me a gentle smile, and that’s when my eyes fill with tears. Tears that only seconds later rush down my cheeks like that really big waterfall in Yosemite, though not nearly as picturesque, I’m sure. It doesn’t even take a breath before I’m enveloped in a hug, May’s spicy citrus scent wrapping around me like my old security blanket.
I’d never try to claim the thick black tracks of mascara streaming down my face are due to genuine sadness at the loss of my relationship. I’m not bereft at the thought of no longer being with Evan. Even now, less than an hour after listening to him tell me it’s over, I know deep down we were never right for each other in the first place. I know in a day or two, relief will wash over me like a cleansing ocean wave sweeping across the shore.
And that’s all well and good and positive-vibes and look-on-the-bright-side kind of shit.
But for tonight, I just got dumped. I just got dumped inpublic when I was mostly expecting a proposal. I just got dumped by a man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It’s embarrassing, to say the least.
And the truly terrible part is it’s not the first time this has happened to me. Or the second. Or even the third.
Stupid, stupid asshole-face Evan is the fourth man I thought was “the one.” The fourth man whose parents took me in as one of their own. And the fourth man to very clearly not want to make me a permanent member of the family.
I pull away from May and dab at my eyes with my napkin. “I’m an idiot,” I say, my voice so quiet she has to lean in to hear me.
“We’re not going to do that tonight.” May moves the pickles out of the way, making room for the slice of cheesecake, which is the size of my head. “We can talk about your terrible relationship decisions tomorrow, LP.”
“Gee, thanks.”
She shrugs, helping herself to a bite of cheesecake. “You know I’m right. But as I said, we’re not going to talk about that tonight. Tonight, we will eat and drink until we feel like puking, and then go crawl into that big-ass bed of yours and watch whatever chick flicks your little romance-loving heart desires.” May’s voice takes on a serious tone, one that’s rare for her. “I’m sorry that little shithead broke your heart, my friend, but I can say with one hundred percent certainty that you are better off without him.”
“I’m not saying you’re wrong—”
“I’m never wrong.”
I roll my eyes but pair it with a tiny smile. “I’m not saying you’re wrong. About Evan. But I need some time to process all of this before I can just learn a lesson and move on, knowing he taught me something or whatever.”
May snorts into her wine.
“I know it’s cliché, but you know what I mean, May.” I chug half a glass of water before reaching for my martini glass in a silent request for another cocktail. Then I think better of it and go back to the water.
“The snort was about you taking time to process.” She taps her watchless wrist. “You’ll be in a new, long-term, fully committed relationship within twenty-one days.”
“That is both precise and insulting.”
She grins, showing off a smile of straight white teeth framed by perfectly lined red lips. “You’re incapable of being single, LP.”
“Am not,” I bite back, though I do appear to be incapable of being mature this evening. Which may or may not have something to do with the fact that May is basically echoing Evan’s words. And the only thing worse than hearing your faults listed by your ex in the middle of a breakup is having them confirmed by your very best friend.
