“Has she been involved in any of the other tasks?”
I frown a little, catching the hidden insinuation there. “Sort of? Mostly peripherally though. She’s set up some of the activities Seth and I have been doing together, but nothing major. She’s done that before for some of my other pieces.”
“Natasha has been sending you and Seth on these excursions together?”
“Yeah, but that was always part of the deal.” I gently toss the pillow back to the corner of the love seat.
Dr. Lawson taps her chin with her pen. “Lana, have you ever felt like Natasha overstepped with you? Maybe she got too involved or asked too many personal questions? Is she overly interested in your life outside of work?”
Given how uncomfortable just hearing the question makes me, it shouldn’t be hard to realize that the answer toall of those is yes, though I’ve never had cause to doubt Natasha’s motivations. Sure, she’s always taken an interest in my personal life, but that’s only because she cares about me as a person. She’s known me for nearly a decade. I clasp my hands together in my lap. “Maybe.”
“Do you think Natasha knows you see her as a mother figure?”
“Most likely.”
“And do you think she ever takes advantage of that?”
“Advantageis a strong word. I don’t think Natasha does that intentionally. She just pushes me to do my best because she knows what I’m capable of.” I know I sound defensive, and that this defensiveness is itself a sign, but I don’t think I like where this line of questioning is going. I didn’t come in here today looking to talk about Natasha. Honestly, Natasha feels like the very least of my problems at the moment.
Dr. Lawson nods, and I know she’s picked up on my discomfort. She’ll let the subject rest. For now. “Okay. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?”
I know there was, but all of a sudden I can’t recall it. “No, I think I’m good.” I stand, waving on my way out the door, my current priority being putting some space between me and this topic of conversation. “Thanks, Dr. Lawson.”
I replay Dr. Lawson’s questions in my mind for the twenty-minute drive home, and instead of flopping on the couch like I usually do, I head directly into my office.
I don’t spend a ton of time working in my home office, even though I’ve spent countless hours meticulously decorating and arranging it. I usually choose to work at theATFoffice or coffee shops, or even in my backyard, becausefrankly, sometimes being in this haven of a space, one I created for myself, just makes me sad.
Because this is the office of someone who is passionate about books and the arts. Not the office of someone who doles out dating advice for a living. Every time I sit down at my desk, I feel a wave of resentment. For Natasha andATF, but also for myself. For not going after the job I really want. For settling for the relationship column because it allowed me to stay at the place where I’m comfortable. My relationship withATFis perhaps a little too similar to my relationship with relationships.
I sit down at my desk, open my computer, and pull up my blog. When I created this website a few years ago, I intended it to be a personal outlet, a space just for me, to write about the things that really mattered to me. I never promoted it or attached my name to it, and the plan was always to keep it private. But maybe it’s time to rethink that plan. Which means it’s time to rework the site. I spend the next few hours redoing the design, making the text clean and sharp and the colors pop. I organize my existing blog posts and put links to my social media on the home page. It still needs work, and I’m still not a hundred percent sure I’ll ever put this out there for the masses. But it’s a start.
#LANAVSSETH
ROB:I know this isn’t related to the competition, but since everyone is already in the chat, who’s coming to the Dodgers game tonight?
LANA:I am! Looking forward to drinking beer and not having to worry about this stupid competition for one damn night.
SETH:Ouch. Should I be offended?
I’m also going.
COREY:As much as I enjoy men in tight pants, I’ve got plans.
JAMES:As much as I also enjoy men in tight pants, I have a restaurant opening I have to go to.
COREY:Oooh, do you need a plus-one?
LANA:You literally just said you already had plans.
COREY:Plans can change for a restaurant opening.
LANA:But not a baseball game with your most favorite coworkers?
COREY:Not for that, no
TESSA:I’m going. Should we carpool?
LANA:You are on the west side, my friend, so we absolutely should not.
