“Because I didn’t want to hold you back. I wanted college to be everything you ever dreamed it would be. I didn’t want you missing out on experiences or activities because you had to rush back to the dorm to call your loser high school boyfriend.” His thumb traces the line of my knuckles and every nerve in my body is numb except for those he strokes, which have sparked like a firework in a California summer.
I take in a sharp breath. “You have never been a loser, Seth Carson. And please don’t forget that you could’ve been right there with me. We could’ve had those experiences together.”
“I know. And I’m sorry my pride got in the way of what could have been. I don’t really have a good excuse, other than I was an eighteen-year-old boy and foolish and should have been more up front about not wanting the money from the start.”
“Do you know how hard it was for me to ask her for that?” I force myself to look him straight in the eyes, so he can really see the truth I’ve held on to for all these years. “I asked my mom for money, Seth. You of all people should know how much it killed me to have to do that. But I did it for you. Because I’d do anything for you.” I wipe away a tearthat’s just managed to squeeze through. “And you threw it all away.”
He hands me a napkin and doesn’t say anything for a minute. “There are a lot of things I’d change about how I handled the situation, but not taking the money isn’t one of them. It would’ve created more problems than it solved, Parker. Sometimes—not often, but sometimes—I hated that you had the financial privilege I didn’t, and being indebted to your mother only would’ve made it worse.”
I tug a little on my hand, because it’s basically the worst thing he could say in this moment, even though I know he’s not wrong.
But he doesn’t let me go. “I was an asshole in how I went about it. And I’m sorry, Parker. I’ve seen a lot over the course of the past few years. I didn’t know how good I had it. How good I still have it.”
“I would trade every penny she’s ever given me for a family like yours.”
“I know.” He barrels on, voice low and bordering on rumbly, and I wonder how long he has been holding on to this. “I shouldn’t have ever put you in that position. I’m sorry I took our relationship out of your hands. I was hoping to give you some space, and some freedom, and I always thought it would be just a temporary break.” He flips my hand over, cradling it with his palm. “But then I saw that you started dating somebody new, not even two months after we had split up. I figured you had moved on.” Hurt and heartbreak lace his words. He kisses the palm of my hand before setting it gently back on my side of the table.
I inhale a quick succession of short breaths, trying to steady myself. I don’t know what’s more disarming, his revelation or the press of his lips against my skin. I did break Seth’s heart. Maybe not in the way he broke mine, but I hurt him all the same. Blinking back tears, I focus my attention on the wood grain of the table. “I had no idea you felt that way. I thought you were done with me.”
“I never would have been done with you.”
His words are carefully chosen.I never would have been done with you. NotI’ve never been done with you. He wouldn’t have been done with me if I had given us some space, a little breathing room, some time to grow up. If I hadn’t done what I did at the reunion, completely fucking up our possible second chance. If I hadn’t allowed my pride and immaturity to get the better of me and turn this competition into an actual battle. But I didn’t. And now heisdone.
I don’t know what the future holds for Seth and me. I don’t know if I could ever see myself with him again, but I do know that his assertion that there isn’t even a possibility stings more than I’d like to admit.
I lean all the way back in my seat, clasping my hands together in my lap, subtly trying to rub away the memory of his kiss, needing to put an end to this line of conversation. “If you don’t win the competition and secure your spot at theChronicle, what’s your plan? Are you going to move back home?”
A half smile tugs on the corner of his lips, and I’m sure he catches the question as the deflection it is. “If I say yes, will you let me win?”
“I don’t know.” The honest answer flies out before I can stop it. I may not know much about the future, but I do know, suddenly and yet fervently, that I don’t want him to leave LA.
His smile spreads across his face and it does something to my heart. Something that needs to stop.
“But I also really want to win.” I spit the words out in a rush, before he can jump in. I want it to be clear to Seth—and to me—that I still plan on seeing this whole thing through. “I want that column. I’ve wanted off relationships and dating since nearly the minute I started atATF, and Loki knows I’m not exactly qualified to be giving anyone romantic advice these days.”
He drains the last of his beer. “So, full disclosure time, do you have plans for your remaining tasks? Since they’re all ones I can’t be there for.”
He would never say as much, but I can’t help but feel like there’s one particular task he’s interested in. But if he’s going to dance around it, then so will I. “Not exactly. I still need to take a solo vacation. And I have to learn to be okay with being alone, which I’m planning on exploring last for obvious reasons, but at least I’m making some progress there.” I take a long gulp of my own beer, holding the glass completely vertical to get every last drop. “And, of course, the one-night stand. What about you? What’s left on your list?” I rush out the words before the mention of the one-night stand has a chance to register.
Seth’s pupils expand just a tad, but he clears his throat and sits up straight. “Hmm, well, I have to make it to the end of the competition with no sex.” He tugs a little on thecollar of his shirt. “And I still need to do my last one too. Find someone to be happy with long-term.”
I furrow my brow. “What about Jessica?”
“What about her?”
“Isn’t she someone you could be happy with ‘long-term’?” The words didn’t sound sarcastic in my head, but they sure as hell do coming out of my mouth.
He presses his lips together in a straight line and I can tell he doesn’t quite want to share what he’s about to say. “She ended it after the third date, actually. Apparently, she only even went on date three because she felt bad for me and wanted to make sure I could complete the task.”
“Ouch.” I flag down the bartender and ask for the check. “Did she say why?”
He runs a hand through his hair. “Um, no. Just that she didn’t think it was going to work.”
It’s definitely not the whole truth, but I decide to let it slide because I’m not a monster. I pay for our beers and we gather our stuff and head out.
The walk back to the arts center is short and quiet, both of us lost in our own private thoughts. Seth walks me over to my car and before I even know what’s happening, he’s wrapped me up in a giant hug.
I don’t want it to feel as good as it does, but I can’t stop myself from sinking into his embrace. His arms tighten around me and I press my cheek to his chest. He rests his chin on the top of my head and suddenly I’m seventeen again. All thoughts of a nonexistent future for us vaporize from my brain, as if the wordsdone with youwere never uttered. All it would take is a quick tilt up and our lips would meet,and I wouldn’t cut it short this time. I wonder if he still tastes like spearmint. He smells like salt and sunshine and I fill my nose with it.
