“I’m not sure I get what you’re going for.” I keep my words even and level, doing my best not to show how much my insides are roiling. Not just at the thought of exposing myself—figuratively speaking—to our readers and the world, but also at the thought of being alone for any considerable length of time.
“You’ve developed a rapport with our readers, and I think a more introspective project could be a real breakout hit for the site, not to mention how good it could be for you personally.” Natasha leans forward, blocking everyone else out of this conversation. “You know I care about you, Lana, and not just as an employee. I have watched you jump from mediocre boyfriend to mediocre boyfriend without ever taking a pause to ask yourself why someone as fabulous as you settles for mediocrity.”
“That’s true,” Corey chimes in, killing the illusion that this is a private conversation.
“Thanks?” I cross my arms over my chest and sink back in my chair. It’s really tempting to brush off Natasha’s words, and I might, if they weren’t an echo of May’s earlier declaration. But just because I like being in relationships doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. I just enjoy the comfort and security of having a steady boyfriend. I like having a support system and a place to go for every holiday. Is that such a bad thing?
“Sometimes it’s better to have no boyfriend than a shitty boyfriend,” James throws in as if he’s able to see inside my head.
“You’ve all had shitty boyfriends,” I mumble in weak protest.
“Yeah, we just don’t keep them around as long as you do.” Corey pairs her biting words with a sweet smile.
I duck my head, keeping my arms pressed tightly over my chest, as if that will somehow push back the tears. I know these are my friends and they love me, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear that basically everyone in my life thinks I’m a complete relationship disaster.
There are a few seconds of silence until Natasha finally breaks it. “As your boss, I think it would be fascinating to read about your experiences as you go from a serial monogamist to someone who’s going to explore being single. You could reach a whole new audience. Think of all the things you can do and try... and write about.” She taps her pen on her notebook. “And as your mentor, and your friend, I think this is something you should do. Take this opportunity to get to know yourself before you saddle up for another long-term relationship.”
“Because if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Corey raises both hands as if she were on an episode ofDrag Race. “Can I get an amen?”
No one responds, but she does bring a hint of a smile to my face.
There’s another bout of silence, but this time it feels thoughtful and not constricting.
I mean, Natasha isn’t exactly wrong. I’ve basically beenin a series of relationships since Seth Carson asked me to be his girlfriend when we were fourteen. Since then, I’ve never gone more than a couple of weeks between breaking up with one guy and dating someone new, usually attaching myself to whoever showed interest first.
Still, the idea of being single for an extended period of time feels daunting. Vaguely terrifying. What would I even do with myself?
“All kinds of things,” Natasha responds, so I guess I said that last part out loud. “You could take a class.”
“Or volunteer,” Tessa suggests.
“Or have a one-night stand.” This comes from Corey, but the rest of the group quickly nods their agreement.
“So what, once I check off all those boxes—not committing to that one-night stand, by the way—I’ll magically be ready to be in a relationship again?” I guess Icouldvolunteer or take a class. Though I’m definitely not here for sleeping with some rando for the sake of a column.
“Something like that.” Natasha closes her notebook, signaling she’s just about done with this meeting. “And maybe somewhere along the way, you’ll figure out why you gravitate toward these kinds of relationships in the first place.”
“Ooooh, therapy! Definitely put therapy on the list.” Corey nudges me sharply with her elbow.
Natasha clears her throat, ending that line of conversation, thank Loki. “So. Now that we’ve covered pitches and assignments, it’s time for the big news.”
We all straighten up in our seats. Natasha has been hinting at this announcement for the past couple of weeks, but none of us have any real idea what it could be. I pray shehasn’t decided to retire and leave us in the hands of someone else, because I don’t know if I can handle another breakup right now.
Natasha clasps her hands tightly together, resting them on her closed tablet, a hint of a smile tugging on her bold red lips. “ATFhas been acquired.” She pauses as if she’s expecting an immediate reaction, but the room stays completely silent. “TheLos Angeles Chroniclebought the site, and we will now be operating under their umbrella.”
I scan my friends’ faces for some kind of indication of whether this is good or bad news, but we all wear matching confused expressions.
Finally, Corey comes out with it. “So, are we getting fired? What does that even mean?”
Natasha settles back in her seat. “No, no one’s getting fired... at least not yet. For now, it doesn’t mean many changes.” She hesitates for half a second. “But in the long run, it does mean there may be opportunities for some of you to write for theChronicle.”
My heart jumps at this hint of possible good news. Natasha very pointedly doesn’t look at me, as she’s well aware of my desire to someday shift to writing for a paper like theChronicle. “It also means that, for the next couple months at least, we’ve been asked to play host to a potentialChronicleemployee.”
James makes a face. “Are we going to become the newChronicletraining grounds or something?”
The skin around Natasha’s lips tightens and I can see she’s also not exactly thrilled at the prospect of mentoring writers just so they can go work at another outlet. But whenshe speaks, her voice is measured and even. “I don’t believe so. In this instance it just happened to work out. We’re looking to expand our staff and they wanted to try out a news guy to see if he could transition to more of a lifestyle brand.”
“And when will said guy be joining us?” Corey asks the question innocently, but I know she perked up hearing there will be some fresh meat in the office.
