She preens for a second and then seems to remember the purpose of this conversation. “Yes, well, when the moviewas first released, my reviews were shining, of course, but your dad didn’t get as much of the praise. He said some petty things, I said some petty things right back, and we didn’t speak for months.”
“That doesn’t sound like something Dad would do. He never seemed to be threatened by your success.”
“He wasn’t. He didn’t mean any of what he said. We just sometimes get caught up in an emotional moment and make bad decisions. It doesn’t mean we have to write someone off completely.”
“So you gave him a second chance? After he acted like that?” I’m happy she did, of course, because I wouldn’t be here otherwise, but I’m surprised she would, given her skill for grudge-holding.
“He was worth it,” she says simply. “We both made some mistakes and handled things poorly; we learned from it and didn’t let it happen again.”
“Weren’t you scared? That things would go wrong a second time?”
“I’m sure I was a little afraid of getting hurt again, but I loved him enough that it was worth it to try.” Her head tilts to the side as she watches me, and I know she’s piecing things together in a way that maybe only my therapist has before. “Did we ever give you the impression that it’s not okay to make mistakes, Em?”
I turn away from her gaze, not sure I really want to be having this conversation right now. “No, you and Dad never made me feel like I had to be perfect.”
“But?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and avert my eyes from hers. “But growing up the way I did, with everyone alwayswatching every move I made, a lot of times it felt like I didn’t have the space to mess up. Like if I did, I wouldn’t just be letting down you and Dad, but letting down the whole world.”
She sighs. “The downside of being a nepo baby, I suppose.” She nudges my shoulder with hers. “I’m sorry you felt that pressure, Emmy. Those were circumstances beyond your control, and I wish I would’ve been able to protect you from feeling that way.”
“It wasn’t your fault. It was out of your control, too.” I lean into her shoulder. “And I should probably be finding ways to get over it.”
“Well, we can work on that. You can’t let fear hold you back, sweetie.”
We sit in the silence for a minute, digesting and processing. Finally, I ask, “What was the biggest mistake you and Dad made? Back at the beginning?”
“Mostly it was not communicating.” She gives me a pointed look.
I catch a stray tear with my finger, not even sure where it came from. I thought I was all cried out. “Is the moral of the story here that you think I should give Grayson another chance?”
“The moral of the story is that you should communicate with him. If for no other reason than you have to work together again for the next few weeks and it’s going to be hella awkward if you don’t.”
“Nobody says hella anymore, Mom.”
“I do what I want.” She grins and pulls me in for a hug.
“What if I fuck it all up?” I murmur the words into the cotton of her shirt, half hoping she doesn’t hear them.
“If you and Grayson are meant to be together, then you’ll be together. And if you aren’t, you won’t.”
“It’s that simple?” I sit up, brushing back my hair, wanting nothing more than for it to truly be that simple.
“Love is only complicated when we make it complicated.”
“That’s very wise.”
“It was in my fortune cookie last week.”
“You’re the worst.”
She takes both of my hands in hers, and as her expression shifts into something serious, I sit up straighter. “Whatever happens between you and Grayson, don’t let your fear of loss keep you from loving. I get it, Emmy. No one does more than I do. But don’t cut ties because you think it’s easier than forming an attachment.”
“It definitely doesn’t feel easier.” The words come out in a whisper as I remember Liz telling me almost the exact same thing.
“If it hurts more to be without him, sweetie, you might want to think about giving him a chance.”
The advice makes a lot of sense. Too much sense. I chug the rest of my coffee and stand, pulling her up with me. “It has been lovely chatting with you, as always, but I do have a pressing engagement to attend to.”
