Instead, I shake my head.
He takes a deep breath. “Once you’re writhing underneath me, grinding against me and searching for relief, I would kiss my way down your stomach, unbuttoning your jeans, pulling them down just enough so I could lick along the dip of your hip bone.”
Of course he remembers my secret sensitive spot, the one no man since him has even come close to discovering.
“Are you wearing the red lace panties, Jess?”
I nod, unsure what might come spilling out of me if I open my mouth. I’d probably beg him to stop talking and fuck me already, and we can’t have that.
He lets out a little groan and his hand moves to his crotch, tugging at his jeans. I can see the outline of him through the fabric and I have to look away so I don’t fling myself across the room and onto his lap.
“I’d kiss you through the lace of your panties, see how ready you are for me.”
So ready. I’m so fucking ready.
“Dammit, Jess, you can’t say shit like that right now.”
Oops.
Nick rises from the bed and strides to the far corner of the room, putting the maximum amount of space between us. It breaks some kind of trance, the spell both of us have been under.
“I’m sorry,” I say after a weighted silence. “I should never have asked that of you. You can stop.”
“I don’t want to stop,” he grumbles. “I just…” He scrubs a hand over his face. “This was a bad idea. You don’t really want me. Not the way I want you. This can only end with more hurt feelings, and there’s been enough of those already.”
“You’re right.” I don’t clarify as to what he’s right about, because I’m not totally sure myself, other than one of us is likely to get hurt if we continue down this path.
“I’m going to take a cold shower. And then I’ll sleep on the floor tonight.”
I nod, though I can think of nothing I want less. I stay frozen in the chair.
Nick brushes by me on the way to the bathroom. He pauses in front of me, then drops a kiss on my forehead. “I wish I could tell you everything, Jess, but if you only take away one thing from this week, I hope it’s that I never stopped loving you. And I never will.”
Nick has made it clear he has no intention of explaining what went wrong between us five years ago. But I’m honestly starting to not really care.
Of course, that could be the whiskey talking. And my libido.
But he’s been so open about everything else. I mean, the man straight up told me he’s still in love with me. I don’t know that I can say I feel the same, but I’m a hell of a lot less opposed to the idea than I was just a week ago. Maybe it’s time to open myself up to the possibility of us, the possibility that it doesn’t really matter what happened the first time.
Maybe the only thing that matters now is what happens tonight, and tomorrow, and the day after that. A possible future.
Chapter Eighteen
Nick
The cold shower doesn’t do much to ease my mind. Still, I stand under the pounding chilled water for longer than I should, hoping for even a hint of clarification of what to do next. I laid it all out there, told her exactly how I feel, and even though I can’t give her the full story or the answers she really wants, she knows I’m still in love with her.
When I’ve delayed the inevitable for as long as possible, I pull on my flannel pajama pants and head back into the room. I don’t look at her as she practically dives into the bathroom, shutting the door firmly behind her.
Jess doesn’t take nearly as long as I did in the shower, and when I hear the water shut off, I stand up. I’ve got a pillow and a bundle of blankets in my arms when the door opens, letting out a cloud of steam.
She’s wearing the shirt I gave her that first night to sleep in. And since the shirt is white, it becomes immediately clear that she’s not wearing anything underneath except those motherfucking lacy red panties.
This woman is going to be the death of me.
She closes the distance between us and takes the pillow and blankets from me, tossing them back on the bed. “I don’t want you to sleep on the floor.”
“I appreciate it, Jess, but this is more for me than for you. I can’t lie there next to you and pretend like the past few hours haven’t happened.”
