My mouth drops open, but I don’t bother speaking, letting him continue to dig this hole all on his own.
“I had a conversation with Marcus, about how our relationship might come off to readers. I don’t think he ever meant me to take it so seriously, but it really got in myhead. This idea that if we stayed together, people might think I was the reason you got your book deal.” He runs a hand through his hair. “The last thing I wanted at that point in time was for anything having to do with my deal to overshadow yours, or to take opportunities away from you. I asked Stacy for her perspective, her professional insight, and she confirmed everything Marcus told me.”
I purse my lips, my head shaking back and forth.
“But the worst part, Jess, the part that makes me feel like you would be justified to never forgive me, is the other part of what Marcus told me. That I would be much more marketable, would sell more books, if I were single.”
“So you broke up with me because your best friend—who, by the way, does not work in publishing, and as far as I know has never read a romance novel—came up with a marketing idea?” I don’t sound as angry as I want to, maybe because a huge part of me can’t believe what I’m hearing. He gave up the supposed love of his life so he could sell more books?
He grimaces. “That was the start of it.”
I cock my head to the side, as if that can help me see inside his brain. “And what was the rest of it?”
He lets out a long sigh. “Like I said, Stacy reinforced what Marcus said, about both of us. How it would be better for both of our careers if we weren’t involved with one another. I didn’t see it at the time, but maybe her motivation had more to do with me selling more books rather than protecting you.”
I know him well enough to know he’s still holding something back. “And?”
His eyes meet mine and they are layered with sadness. “And I heard you talking to Alyssa and Kennedy, in the kitchen on our last Christmas together.”
It takes a minute for the conversation to come back to me, but I don’t have to rehash it in my mind because Nick seems to remember the whole thing word for word.
“You were talking about how hard it was for you to be by my side at that moment in our careers. You said you didn’t think you could do it.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his head drooping, his eyes avoiding mine. “I would do a hundred things differently if I could go back and change the past, but not if it meant you ended up resenting me. You were always the one person who saw me, who got me, and I couldn’t bear to lose that. Letting you go killed me, Jess, but somehow, I think that would have been worse.”
My cheeks are wet. “So it was my fault?”
“No. Absolutely not.” Nick reaches for one of my hands, and I let him take it. “I should have talked with you first. I should have told you how I was feeling, and listened, really listened to what you were feeling too.” He chuckles, but there’s no humor in it. “I guess you were right about couples sucking at communication.”
“It’s not an easy thing to do, for anyone.” That truth doesn’t make me feel any better.
“Even though I won’t deny I had some selfish motivations, I really did think about you and your career, and what would be best.” His thumb strokes my knuckles and it’s almost hypnotizing how his touch can soothe me.
“But you should have let me be the one to make that decision.” I release his hand. “And at this point we bothknow, being single, never being connected to one another publicly, well, it’s worked out great for you. I can’t sit here and say it’s done much for me.”
Would this be easier to digest if my career had soared without Nick? Something tells me it wouldn’t.
“I know.”
At least he doesn’t try to placate me with false platitudes.
“This week, Jess, being able to spend time with you and reconnect with you, it’s reminded me of everything we had. It’s reminded me of how much I loved you then, and I think it’s shown me, more than anything else, how much I love you still.”
I look up just in time to catch him swiping at his own cheeks. “This is all a lot to process.”
“I know.”
“And now, no matter what happens with us, no matter where we decide to go with our relationship, we’ve written a book together.” My stomach spins, just as fast as my brain is tumbling. Everything that has happened over the past few days is swirling around in my head and my heart, and I don’t know how to make sense of any of it.
There’s anger and frustration about our past, and I’m unsure if it’s outweighed by the way we’ve fit so easily back together. Yes, I now know the truth, and know it’s a truth I can find a way to move past, but who’s to say the same thing might not happen again in the future? How do I know Nick has changed?
“If you want the book, you can have it, Jess. If this is where it ends, if you don’t want to see me again after this, you can have the book. I’ll tell everyone we tried to writetogether and it didn’t work, and you can keep the entire thing.”
I shake my head. “I’m not putting my name on your work, Nick. And besides, we still have to come up with an ending.”
“Is it too hard to see a way for our characters to come back together? Can they have a real second chance?” We both know he isn’t talking about our characters.
“I don’t know.”
“So where do we go from here?” His hand moves, like he wants to reach for me again but is holding himself back.
