“It just didn’t work out. Probably my fault.” Definitely my fault.
“Well, maybe seeing her at the ball will give you guys a chance to reconnect.”
I scoff. “Trust me, Jessica Carrington wants nothing less than to reconnect with me.”
Hilary is smart enough to pick up on the truth behind the sentiment—that I wouldn’t mind the chance to reconnect with Jess. I might have even thought about it once or twice, on the rare occasion I allow myself to search for her Instagram. She’s gotten even more beautiful over the years, the warmth in her big brown eyes visible even in the tiny images on my phone screen. The joy in her smile real and genuine, like her life is that much better without me in it.
Perhaps this holiday ball will turn out to be good for something after all. Though I know there’s nothing I could say to erase the past. Maybe enough time has passed that Jess would be willing to listen, hear me out.
Then again, she’s one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met, so probably not.
“Do you want me to request a different presenter? I’m sure SVP will follow your lead on this one.”
I shake my head. “No, it’s fine. If she agreed to do it, I don’t want to be the one to pull out. Tell SVP I’m looking forward to the event. And book a room at the inn for the whole week after the ball.”
Hilary flashes me a self-satisfied smile before heading out of my office, leaving me to stare once again at the blank screen. This time, not only can I not seem to think of anything to write, all I can seem to think about is seeing her.
“You seem extra tense today, and that’s saying something. Everything going okay with the new book?” Marcus, a friend whose paycheck I don’t sign, lifts the weight from my hands, setting it back on the rack before reaching out a hand to help me sit up.
On a normal day, I would lie and tell Marcus everything is fine, but nothing about today has been normal. So I try something new and talk about my feelings. “I found out I’m going to be seeing Jess at the SVP holiday ball. She’s going to be presenting me with an award.”
Marcus whistles, low and long. “Damn. No wonder you’re in knots. How long has it been since you’ve seen her? In person, not via excessive Instagram stalking.”
I throw my sweaty towel at his face, but he ducks just in time. “I haven’t seen her since we broke up.”
“And how long ago was that again?”
“Five years ago,” I answer, though I know he knows.
“And how many women have you dated since then?”
I glare at him, moving away from the weight bench and making my way to the treadmills. I already did cardio, but I know I need to fully exhaust myself if I have any chance of sleeping tonight. “I’ve dated plenty of women, asshole.”
“Okay, how many have you taken on more than two dates?” He jumps on the machine next to mine, bumping up his speed.
I ignore his question, ramping up my own speed to match his even though he’s a much better runner than I am. He’s always been a little bit more than me in all ways—taller, smarter, more charming. Looks-wise, we could be brothers, but he would be the brother everyone lusts over and I would be the brother everyone forgets about. I’ve known Marcus since college, and even though our lives are incredibly different—he’s in charge of marketing for one of the biggest tech firms in the country and spends his free time socializing and making friends wherever he goes—we’ve remained friends ever since. These days ourinteractions are mostly limited to meetups at the gym, where I usually manage to deflect the majority of life-probing questions he throws my way.
“So I haven’t met anyone I want to settle down with, big deal. May I remind you, you are also single?”
“Because I want to be, not because I’m still mooning over the one who got away. Whoyoubroke up with, might I add.”
I push the speed button up a couple more notches so I don’t say something I shouldn’t. About how much I regret that decision. And about how Marcus unknowingly played a huge role in it.
We run in silence for a few minutes before I finally bring the treadmill down to a walk, my lungs burning and my thighs aching.
Marcus slows his down too, matching my cool-down pace. “Hey, man, I’m not trying to give you a hard time.”
I shoot him a look.
“Okay, I was trying to give you a hard time, but you know I’m just fucking around. I hate to see you all up in your head about this shit.”
I shut the treadmill off and stand with my hands on my head, my breath slowly returning. “So any real advice for me then?”
“Yeah, man, just suck it up and apologize. Tell her how you feel.”
Ha.
I listened to Marcus once and nothing worked out like I thought it would. I don’t think I’ll be making that same mistake twice.
