Harriet:Sounds like they want to “evolve” E.M.M.A. out of existence. Fast-track updates to current software, slap on some AI buzzwords, and present it as the next big thing.
Karl:Wow, they’re really embracing the “fake it till you make it” philosophy.
Hana:More like “fake it till you take it”??
Amir:Can I release a virus that replaces all their slide decks with cat memes?
Harriet:Tempting, but no. We need to be smart
Karl:Smarter than cat memes? Is such a thing even possible?
Hana:Focus, people! We’ve got Chads to outsmart!
Harriet:Exactly. Here’s the plan: Accelerate E.M.M.A.’s development, deliver results that’ll make their buzzword bingo look like child’s play. We are going to have to dig deep and get creative. Time is not on our side.
Hana:Operation Chad Takedown is a go!??
Karl:Let’s go kick some Chad butt!
Harriet:??What did I do to deserve this team? Alright, Operation Chad Takedown starts now. We win.
Hana:For Sparta!
Amir:???????
Hana:It just sounds like we mean business, you know?
Amir:Okay then, nerds. For Sparta!
I slump into my chair, the weight of pressure doubling down. I have to play the role of a cheerleader. I have to inspire confidence. And Iamconfident. I’ll help Gale. I’ll beat the Chads. I just wish I was already celebrating my victories and not still needing to develop the plan.
Glancing at the E.M.M.A. interface, I freeze, reading the words.
ANALYSIS REPORT: GALE KNIGHT PERFORMANCE METRICS
STATUS: COMPLETE
DATA PROCESSING: 100%
ERROR MARGIN: 0.02%
RESULTS AVAILABLE FOR IMMEDIATE REVIEW
I tense, my back straightening, and type:PROVIDE SHORT SUMMARY OF GALE KNIGHT PERFORMANCE DECLINE.
Might as well zip to the good parts.
ANALYZING SUBJECT: GALE KNIGHT. DETECTING: PERFORMANCE DECLINE. CORRELATING FACTORS: PERSONAL LIFE INSTABILITY
RECOMMENDATION COMPUTED: SUBJECT REQUIRES: STABLE SUPPORTIVE ROMANTIC PARTNERSHIP
SCANNING POTENTIAL MATES... ANALYZING COMPATIBILITY METRICS... OPTIMAL MATCH IDENTIFIED: HARRIET SMYTHE
CONCLUSION: HARRIET SMYTHE = IDEAL PARTNER FOR GALE KNIGHT. PROBABILITY OF RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS: 97.3%
END ANALYSIS
My fingers freeze over the keyboard. This was wildly outside E.M.M.A.’s parameters. What is going on? First, this is an athlete performance program—not a dating app—plus, how the heck did I end up there? Crap. Shit. Fuck. I’ve made some sort of critical errorandended up getting my AI to write fanfic about me.
