“Way back when? In the dark ages?” he teases, his eyes alight with self-deprecation.
“Yes. It was eons ago. Seriously, though, it was shortly after college. They both went to yoga at the gym and told me to try it. Olive, the perv, said it was good for sex. Skyler, who now prays at the altar of eight hours of sleep a night, said it helped her insomnia. So, I went.Reluctantly.”
“I think you just described half of my team,” he adds.
But their mixed reactions don’t faze me. “They’ll realize the benefit over time,” I say. I believe in what I do, and I’m confident it’ll help the guys. “And you? Are you reluctant? Skeptical? Totally devoted to the bennies of shavasana and wine forever and ever?”
His smile catches me off-guard. It’s so magnetic, but it fades quickly. He takes another bite, sets down his sandwich, then sighs. “I’m open to it, but I’m in a different place than some of the young guns, you know?”
Ah, the age conversation. I figured it was coming with Harlan. I’m aware of the chatter about whether or not this is his last season. “Because you’re thinking more about the future?”
He nods decisively. “I think a lot about what’s next. Worry about it. Wonder. I love football the way your friend Emerson says you should. The sport is like air to me. I’ve loved football since I was a kid, and it’s hard to imaginenotplaying.”
There’s wistfulness in his voice. It’s a sound I rarely hear from him. He’s usually so playful and upbeat. But now and then, he reveals the things that seem to weigh on him.Thisdefinitely seems to.
“But I also really like taking my daughter to school, and teaching her to read, and letting her sneak-polish my toes when I conk out on the couch when her friends are over. I love seeing her as often as I can, and Idon’tlove spending every weekend from August to December pretty much unavailable. Know what I mean?”
My heart catches in my throat and thunders there. A man who wants to be there for his kid is so damn appealing. His affection for parenting makes me all kinds of mushy. Makes me think about things I haven’t thought about in ages. “I don’t have kids, but I can imagine.” I say it casually; I’m not opening a kid convo, and I doubt he wants to have one. That’s not what today is about.
He sighs, his brow knitting. Sounds like he’s gearing up to say something hard. “Did you want to? With your ex?”
Or maybe thatiswhat today is about. The question of kids pushes me out of my comfort zone, and I answer with another question. “Have kids?” It comes out a little squeaky. “With Silvio?”
“Yeah. Did you?”
The intensity of his gaze says he’s genuinely interested. I’m not sure why it matters what I wanted with my ex when he’s so far in the rearview mirror. “We never talked about it,” I answer honestly.
“Hmm.”
He leaves it at that, but I don’t drop the subject yet. With time and distance from my ex, I’ve learned more about myself. What I want. What I hope for. And kids are part of that. An unanswered question, but still a part.
“I suspect that was yet another reason why it didn’t work out with him,” I say. “Looking back, we didn’t have a lot in common.We didn’t talk as much as we should have. I suppose I wasn’t sure how to tell him the truth.”
“That you don’t want to have kids?” Harlan asks, his voice speckled with nerves.
A stone wedges in my chest. This is hard to say. I do want kids, if the timing is right, if the relationship is right, if I’m with someone who feels like my forever. But that sounds sofairy tale, so I answer more plainly. “I worry that the opportunity has passed me by. I’m thirty-five. I don’t know if I’ll have the chance.” I glance around the park, not sure what I’m searching for. Maybe just the courage to voice the rest. His vulnerable eyes give me that strength. “I’m still single. So I don’t know if it’ll happen, and that’s the truth.” I hold up my hands in surrender.
To time.
“Do you want it to happen?” he asks.
“If it’s right. The right man. The right relationship. I won’t force it. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that life comes at you on its own terms, in all sorts of unexpected ways. You have to roll with the punches.”
He takes another bite, nods like he’s absorbing what I said. When he’s done chewing, he says, “That is definitely true. The key is to adapt.”
“Like you did when your daughter was born,” I say, returning to the center of his world. “It must be hard when you can’t see her as much as you’d like.”
He takes a steadying breath. “It is, but hey, we make it work. I don’t get to see her on weekends during the season, but when Ido, we have a blast together.” He flashes me a smile, almost like he needs to slap it on for bravado. “But hey, my weekend job isn’t too shabby. I’m hanging in there at thirty-six.”
I want to ask him more about Abby.
About being a dad.
But he’s returned to football now, and that seems where he wants to stay. Maybe wise for me, too, given the way my heart flips when he talks about being a dad.
So, I keep the conversation inthatzone.
“I’d say you’re doing more than hanging in there.” I tap my temple. “You have all the advantages up here. You have wisdom and insight. You have instincts. As well as moves on the field,” I say. “Hello! Did you see your game last weekend? You had that gorgeous twenty-five-yard catch at the end of the half. And how about the fifty-six-yard catch when you were nearly out of bounds?” I lift my arms high in the air, then stretch to the side, doing my damnedest to imitate his grace and power on the field. “And you grabbed it before it hit the ground, then you spun around and ran into the end zone.” My voice pitches higher, my excitement spilling over as the instant replay flashes before my eyes. “It was glorious, and my friends and I were shouting your name in my living room.”
